Hi Carolyn Marie:

I'm actually laughing out loud as I begin to write this message to you because my crazy mouse just went commando again and flew off the table. I lost the message I had been composing but I was just getting started so I won't have to recall too much. Sometimes a fresh start is just what is needed. I'm beginning to think there are actually spirits guiding my hands to express what I feel and when they don't approve they sabotage me via my mouse!:-) Of course, I say this facetiously so you don't need to worry that I've taken leave of my senses. Oh my goodness, I depend on all my senses to feel my way through the mysteries of this world we share.

I am delighted that you returned to give us an update and to see you through your writing feeling so spirited and enlivened! What a wonderful memory you and your daughter, Victoria, created together even though she seemingly did all the hard work on the ice! :-) Her immediate and instinctively protective response to you reveals her depth and sensitivity and in the space of moment it almost overshadows her performance, for as your dear daughter she is that much more spectacular! I share Victoria’s and your enthusiasm about your newfound tradition being honoured next year. If prayers matter and I believe that they do, somehow the innocent and heartfelt hope of a daughter and her mother’s ardent heart will be heard. I don’t of course know any better than anyone else how prayers are answered, but I believe that we experience miracles daily when we look upon with wonder the fertile secrets of another’s searching soul. The connection we feel with our children is almost, if not completely telepathic as even in silence, and sometimes especially so, the communication between mother and child is sacred.

Victoria sounds so much like you Carolyn Marie. You live fully and seize the excitement of ordinary moments in an extraordinary time. She must be very deep, much more refined than others her age, I imagine, because she has seen now the uncertainty of life. Her compassion will grow in direct relationship to her experience in life, and she will follow your example to discover a safe place where inner grace and resilience will grow, lush and lofty. There are upsides to painful growth we all encounter, and in my view compassion is a rewarding result of empathy and understanding that is gleaned from difficult experience. Is there anything more rewarding than to see our own good hearts shine even more brilliantly through our children? Your love will smile upon your daughter and son for miles and generations to come.

Your humour kills me, kindly! :-) How fortunate that you have the great Mother Morphine to soothe your aches and pains and to stimulate and support your natural gift of optimism. While I wish with all my heart that you didn’t ever have any distress, pain or loss of energy, I feel grateful with you for each celebratory pain-free, uplifting and revitalizing moment you know. Blessings to you and yours Carolyn Marie, and enjoy a sun-shiny weekend with those you love and who love you so beautifully well.

There is love waiting here to greet you any time you want to return. No pressure. You have your priorities. From one East Coaster to another, there is no place like “down home” and no matter where you happen to be in the world, that identity travels with you and keeps you grounded to the certainty in an uncertain existence, that it is with our family where we belong and where our hearts feel most at home. You have an extended virtual family here for you always.

Hugs and more xo

Cath

Hi Carolyn Marie, Jim and Tian:

I see the last two brief posts asking how Carolyn Marie and Jim are doing these days. Of course you know without any disclaimer required that my post will exceed one sentence!:-)

You have each and all got me to thinking about the mutuality of caring and I have written about the relevance to me of both giving and receiving care. Today, as I began to write, you have each inspired me to ponder the loneliness we each inhabit in the particular circumstances we find ourselves living. There are some places of the heart that we cannot so easily disclose to others, and yet each of you, and others here in our forum, have chosen to risk your privacy to help others through contributing your personal experience with illness and fear and grief and hope: life and death matters.

Until I joined this forum I did not realize how the subjects of illness, death and grief were so rarely discussed openly, even with those to whom we are most intimately attached. Death impacts – or will - each of our lives, The conversation about death and dying adds quality insights to help us develop a healthier perspective on the Nature of life. Whether we are being cared for, caring for others or both, the loneliness we may at times feel is unique. We each seek a safe passage to escape for a moment our hurting hearts as we trustingly travel to a comforting place where people recognize, understand and meet our needs.

I think illness and mourning are inherently lonely experiences. They impose on sufferers an additional burden because we don't wish to inflict the pain or uncertainty we feel onto those we love. Sometimes that means we feel we must suffer alone. We are never alone and nor must we suffer in silence. We need not spare our companions on the Virtual Hospice forum from the truth of our heartaches of the day or our fears about the future. Each person who writes and responds to the difficult and lonely and personal experience of sorrow, serious illness, dying and death gives wings of courage to everyone afflicted by sad circumstance. Together we can ease the pain of conflicted and powerful and private emotions by which we all feel at times defeated or overwhelmed. Virtual Hospice gives us all hope and the realization that we can be braver than ever imagined by choosing to be honest and vulnerable both.  

Gratitude should have more letters. G R A T I T U D E: Mine for each of you and all the community members of Virtual Hospice is immense!:-)

Until you reach out again with your next update, take care of yourselves Carolyn Marie, Jim and Tian and everyone reading. We are all here to give and take care.

hugs to all xo

Hi CarolynMarie:

You get exactly what I mean when I express my feelings and I cannot tell you how very much your feedback means to me – the world with all its blessings could not give me enough space to tell you how much I value your open heart and your friendship!:-) Tian is so right, you are indeed special!  Never doubt that truth for it is an important thing to hold onto when others disappoint, especially those closest to us, even momentarily. You are a gift. Allow that knowledge to ease the agony of your aching body and to refresh your ailing spirit with love and appreciation. It is genuine, as are you, CarolynMarie!

Your daughter’s words wound you deeply and that I so understand! My kids when they were teens, hormones raging along with tempers, they had the ability to slay me almost literally with cutting words. Never mind when they were teens, the truth is that they will always have that ability! No one on the planet has as much power to wound us as those we love best. Thankfully, my children find fewer reasons to express their displeasure about me as they and I age!:-) It may be the single most important advantage to growing older!:-)

I recall crying myself to sleep, tears bleeding on my pillow until I escaped into a dream, over the insensitive remarks of a stubborn teenager whose only priority is to make sense out of a world that is suddenly nonsensical to their developing bodies and minds. It is not an easy stage of maturation but they do get through it and as parents, we survive the verbal flares aimed straight at our souls and the emotional injury heals.  It’s kind of like childbirth, as we tend to forgive if not forget the intensity of the suffering we felt in the moment once some time has passed. There isn’t a mother without scars on her heart. Our children arouse our deepest feelings and increase our capacity for forgiveness.

Moms of teenagers , (I say Moms because that’s my experience),  need to don a kind of emotional armour for those times when hurtful arguments erupt, as we women are especially susceptible to internalizing our feelings and taking personally every insult of our child. Misplaced guilt too often finds a willing vessel to infiltrate us by way of our hearts and our vast capacity to care. Mothers, no matter how justified are our feelings often suppress them or apologize for them because to confront them is sometimes simply too painful. When it comes to our children we sometimes make excuses for them when they misbehave and we have the reputation of being endlessly patient which is not necessarily true. We do have limits to our patience, yet our love for our children is limitless. When our children disappoint us with careless words impulsively uttered at our expense, after we recoil in pain, we must be ready to drop our shield at a moment’s notice so that our heart remains open and so our kids will know that it is ever visible and available to them. Our love and guidance is eternal and our kids know it.

Your daughter’s anger is natural. Of course she hates the disease that causes her precious Mom to suffer and because at 14 her world naturally revolves around her, she resents the imposition of it all and how your illness has affected her life. Her young heart is breaking and overcome with fear but precisely because you are her Mom she turns to you, her most loyal touchstone of love and security while the world as she knows it has suddenly gone crazy and she feels she has lost all control. Her anger expressed no matter how misdirected is honest and she feels safe to unleash on you with impulsive volatility her ugliest and most unsettling feelings. Cry CarolynMarie, cry buckets. You are hurting. Victoria is hurting. I am hurting for you both.

Yes, I think you did the right thing by letting Victoria know she has crossed a line and that you deserve her respect despite the fact that she too is suffering. Acknowledge her anger as pain disguised that likely has no appropriate expression in words. It is the highest compliment to you as Victoria’s Mom that she let loose on you – especially since you are weak and fearful yourself – because she sees you still and will always as her invincible mother who will love her unconditionally with the fierce strength and protection of a lioness! She knows no matter what words are exchanged between you in moments of rage and disappointment or those gently expressed intuitively with a loving look or a mutually protective and achingly poignant instance like the moment you shared when she was skating and hoping to see your proud face gaze upon hers again next year and for many years into the future, she knows indeed that the love between you is alive and well! You immediately jumped into her fear in that moment at the skating rink to envelop her with motherly assurance before her doubt even had a chance to raise her brow. She knows without a doubt that she is loved and that she will always be your precocious and adorable little cub. She is hurting and she needs you to know it. You are hurting and perhaps it is time to explain to her calmly and lovingly just how much. I also know without any doubt as I know you do that Victoria adores you no matter how hard it may be to say it or show it at age fourteen, and especially in light of the reality with which you are both living.

It may be time if you think Victoria is ready to bring her gently into more of the truth of your pain. What do you think? Could you allow her to see that you too feel angry for the unfairness of it all? Can you share with her your hopes and help her to see that you have legitimate limitations and empathize with hers in the situation? Can you remind her that despite everything that’s going on with you that you are her Mom and will still discipline her out of your love for her? Can you tell her as Tian wisely suggests that you know she is acting out and that you know she loves you and intends not to hurt you?

Remember how when we were young we felt so offended at the thought that our parent(s) were not perfect and able to fix everything? It’s utterly disillusioning to realize our parents are human. You are human, CarolynMarie, yet you are coping with a superhuman challenge and your children need somehow to know it. You have the soul of an artist in life and your children are you masterpiece. Whatever you paint on your future and theirs will be beautiful.

Sorry I rambled on so long. You touched a deep nerve in me as usual. Healing is always a two-way street. Thank you for your message, CarolynMarie. I am here with you and for you . . . always!:-)

Hugs to you and yours xo