Last week I took Dave for a CT scan at the hospital and managed to convince him to visit Emerge for his incredibly swollen legs with weeping sores due to the advanced peripheral vascular disease. Nine hours after being at the hospital with testing and difficulties in finding a bed we finally saw the doctor. Knowing in essence there was nothing to be done, I had thought maybe I could get care for him. Maybe he could be transitioned into some type of Hospice care. After wheeling Dave into the care unit, he saw the doctor. He refused to stay and just requested someone to fix his legs. Given pain medication, I brought him home.

With all of the doctors for his Bladder Cancer, Chronic Kidney Disease and Vascular Disease, not once have we been asked about palliative care.

In the week since, the kids have been phoning and visiting. Our oldest will be flying in next week from the Oil Sands, hoping and praying she has the opportunity to visit one last time.

In the last few days, when he has been relatively lucid he has spoken individually to me and the kids saying, he doesn’t think he’ll be here for Christmas.

He is rapidly declining. I attempted to speak with someone from a Hospice facility close by, looking for help. I had thought if we became affiliated with hospice, when he goes he could be pronounced here rather than having to call 911. There is no DNR in place. The offer was for someone to come in and speak to Dave about his legs which may have led to hospice. Unfortunately, Dave doesn’t want someone to come in, nor does he want to leave here. Although, he hasn’t said it, he wants to die here in our home.

After 45 years with this man, I will do this for him.

Cherel 

Hello All,

With no medical person overseeing my husband’s care, I have managed to refer him to Community Care Access Centre (CCAC). They have stepped up to the plate and have been a tremendous help providing; daily nursing care, an occupational therapist for medical equipment, several hours of personal care and a palliative care coordinator.

Going through the list of Dave’s associated doctors, with a bit of arm twisting of the urologist, I received a referral for an absolutely wonderful palliative care doctor. With a DNR in place and access 24/7 to the home visiting doctor my husband’s goal of dying at home is coming to fruition.

There will be no loud clamoring of an ambulance, no heroic efforts by the paramedics and no laying in a hospital bed in some secluded hallway.

He will pass in his own home surrounded by family.

Cherel

Would I do this again if I had a choice?  I don't know. To fly in the face of such negativity, to have my strength chipped away, to run the continual gamut from anger to sadness, I just don't know. Is it love? Is it loyalty? What is it? Why did I accept this responsibility?

I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

I have him set up in a hospital bed in the living room facing a large picture window to the street, with a television to one side and the Christmas tree to the other. I have him hooked up to a pain pump, oxygen generator and a catheter.

He is in the active phase of dying. His organs are shutting down. I spent last night sitting by his side, unable to hold his pain filled hand, lightly touching, watching his labored breathing, the sweat beading on his brow and the facial muscles gradually relaxing.

The DNR and Death at Home papers are pinned to the refrigerator right beside his palliative care doctor’s 24/7 pager number.

Now we wait……  

Cherel 

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your kind words. Dave passed the night of December 29^th at home as he wanted surrounded by family. He remained in denial almost to the end. Christmas morning as we were holding hands looking at the Christmas tree, I singing along and him attempting to tap his toes he asked me to let him die. I told him, “I couldn’t let him go today it was Christmas morning”. The next morning, he said to me he had to get ready and go. I said, okay if you want to go, you can and know that I love you”.

I am so incredibly thankful that I had the fortitude to make all of the arrangements before his passing from meeting with the funeral director and minister to choosing and designing the headstone, the memorial card and DVD.

Everything fell into place from calling the doctor to come and pronounce to having him picked up by the funeral home.

Yesterday was spent finalizing the arrangements and sharing the news with family and friends. Last night was the first time in a long time, I slept for 7 solid hours. I am sad, but relieved his struggles are finally over. I helped a loved one pass in comfort and I found an incredible wall of strength in myself.

Would I do this again? I don’t know. I just don’t know….

Cherel

Dear Cherel,

I'm sorry for your loss, and so moved and inspired by your account. I pray for continuing rest for you even as you grieve

Nouce