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Reply by KathCull_admin
07 Jan 2017, 4:13 PM

Dear Cherel
My sympathy to you as well. And as Nouce and Marymary have said - I wish for your rest - both physical and emotional.

Katherine 
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Reply by Cherel33
14 Jan 2017, 12:29 PM

Thank you for your condolences and thank you for your support on this incredibly difficult journey. I have learned a lot about myself and am fortunate I had the strength to be a health care advocate for my husband. That fortitude will help to carry me through the next weeks and months dealing with my grief and all the legal and financial repercussions associated with his passing.

Each person that shared something of their lives with me showed me I wasn’t alone in this fight for life and for that I will always be grateful.


 


Thank you, Cherel

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Reply by Marymary
10 Feb 2017, 12:29 AM

Hi cherel - just thinking of you & wondering hoe you are holding up?  sending you some positive energy.  
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Reply by Cherel33
11 Feb 2017, 11:47 AM

Hi Marymary,


Thank you for thinking of me. How are you? I often wonder how others who have touched my life are doing.

I encountered an acquaintance the other day while I was out buying coffee from a specialty store she owns. Her husband has been battling cancer for eight long years and is facing brain surgery in a couple of weeks. She asked how I was and wasn’t I lonely and afraid to live in the house by myself with the children moved out years ago, and now my husband gone. I was caught off guard, surprised by her question. I quickly answered in the negative and alluded to the comfort of having a dog.

Reflecting on her question later, I thought here’s someone who will have a very difficult time when her husband passes. Am I in the same position? No, I am not. Dave in retrospect left me a long time ago and for that I grieve. I have been grieving for the loss of someone who was once a friend. With denial and no discussion, I grieve for the lack of closure he was unable to give me. I’m not lonely, I’ve been alone for a long time. He has physically been gone six weeks now and every day I think of him. I think of all the time I sat at his bedside, hoping and praying we could “talk”. I think of everything I did to make him comfortable and everything I did to ease his passing for both him and I.

I’m not lonely, I’m alone and I’m ok with that.


 


Cherel

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Reply by Nouce
11 Feb 2017, 12:36 PM

Thank you, CHerel,


You are offering a way of seeing that is helpful to me.


 


Nouce

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Reply by Cherel33
12 Feb 2017, 10:56 AM

Good morning Nouce,

You're welcome. I find it very cathartic to share my thoughts.

Cherel 
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Reply by Saara
28 Apr 2017, 2:32 PM

Cheryl, how are you? I read your experience with much interest, as your situation echoes mine, more and more as the days go on. You have given me hope--I find my husband's denial so difficult yet I know he is determined to remain positive, and I have come to understand that what I see as denial, is to him a positive attitude in the face of a losing battle. Yet it robs us of so much; the opportunity for him to say whatever last words he wants, to give as gifts those things that were most meaningful to him to those he loves, to make his life easier now by acknowledging his limitations. I am working still, and he wants me to do so, yet he wants me with him whenever I am free, yet he is increasingly distant. It is confusing, disorienting, heart breaking. I am so grateful to you for sharing your experience.

Saara 
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Reply by Cherel33
12 May 2017, 12:55 PM

Dear Saara,

 


Sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I know how incredibly hard it is moving through time when you’re caring for someone. I’ve spent the last month helping my eldest return home to Fort McMurray, Alberta after the wildfire.
I think of you and empathize with your situation. A seemingly never ending battle, questioning what will I face next, emotionally and physically exhausted.
You asked how I am and I appreciate it.
Four months in, I still think of my husband with grief and sadness, but now a bit of peace. I’m not quite as bitter as I once was and try and reflect on the good times we shared. I’m coming to believe that although he professed to love me he was just unable to share his pain. That hurt so much and I questioned the love.
I am a widow now, floundering and directionless. He was my all. We were a twosome, now I am one, living in a large Ontario city by myself and financially stable. I’ve spent the last few years of my life loving and caring for a man to the exclusion of all else. I spent so much time caring, worrying and preparing for his end I didn’t think of myself. I didn’t prepare for the after, who I was and what I wanted.
I want and need to embrace life. All three of my children have asked me to sell my house and buy in their cities, but what would I become, an extension of their families, a “fifth” wheel? I need to find my own path. Who am I? 
Cherel 
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Reply by Marymary
12 May 2017, 5:09 PM

Hello Cherel - I also want to say your words above really affected me and I presently am questioning so much right now!  It's been 2 years to today he started treatment and he still does NOT accept things, which I feel sad about for him but he has gotten so angry and mad mostly at his body.health but day in and day out it takes it's toll.  Constantly swearing, everyday more and more.  

Your words:  I have been grieving for the loss of someone who was once a friend. With denial and no discussion, I grieve for the lack of closure he was unable to give me. I’m not lonely, I’ve been alone for a long time. He has physically been gone six weeks now and every day I think of him. I think of all the time I sat at his bedside, hoping and praying we could “talk”. I think of everything I did to make him comfortable and everything I did to ease his passing for both him and I. 

As you said there is NO talking to him, he honestly ONLY cares about his own situation and he is in denial will not accept he still has cancer but in moments or times he will say it - will scream that I'm the one with cancer here or I'm the one trying to hanging on to life.  Then next day or days he will deny saying what he said. 

I pray for him daily, to talk with anyone, friend, counsellors thru cancer clinic or others who have or are going thru it but NO NO NO even dr's have suggested numerous times but No, no one is going thru what he's going thru and it is just BS, no understands what HE alone is going thru because no one else is him.  My lord help us!

His short term memory is REAL bad now, our son & I told him to talk to cancer dr about it but he hasn't.  He told us oh she said it wasn't her department she doesnt care about my head/memory and it's just chemo brain.  His response to us,  told us he didn't discuss it with her, our son even said ya well that just sounds like BS and you didn't even talk to her did you.  He didn't answer, didn't scream and yell, all he did was try to change subject and leave the room which spoke volumes.

He has gotten so very verbally offensive not directly to us but nonetheless it's bad.  He swore for 5 mins. at the TV news because it was not showing him what he wanted to see at that moment, it was weather and news, not election results.  Seriously it was so ridiculous, sounded like a complete maniac ranting, for 5 mins. swear words.  That morning was a real bad one, started bcuz he spilled something and swore swore swore then the TV so i asked him why are you so angry why all the swearing when you just got up, how can you be so mad.  Well, because I was witness to it all and if i was in bed I wouldn't have to hear him swear up a storm so then it was my fault, he was a raving lunatic then yelling veins popiing out of his neck and face and now it t was own fault because I was awake blah blah blah maybe if I was sleeping none of it would matter.  It was crazy.

He is so upset with his short term memory loss this I know is where it comes from but day in and day out it takes its toll.  I was going to leave the other morning and may still this weekend.  ONLY thing that makes me stay is our son, yes he's 20 but I don't want him having to deal with it all on his own either.  Numerous things going on with him.

Our son said mom leave him alone in the morning and a dinner time those are the times he's at his worse.  So yes, we are both here, we'll get thru it.

I question a lot now as you did and still do Cherel, to each his own and we can't FORCE another to speak or openly share but we may have to do something to shake him up or jar him, ultimatum about his behaviour affects all of us so settle down some or we will leave.  Something has got to giive soon.  I feel for him moreso than me having answers he needs to deal with his own situation.  I question myself maybe I should be more compassionate more empathetic etc. but I'm still here so we'll see.

I don't take it personal at all.  I am real concerned it has affected his brain now though due to the severity if his short ter memory loss.  We do not get anything from doctors or from him so?  He's told the dr's to only speak with HIM about his condition.  So?

Thanks for sharing your words Cherel they make me feel "not" alone.  thank you 
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Reply by Saara
09 Jun 2017, 1:43 PM

Dear Cheryl, I am glad to know that you are beginning to move forward in your new life, and that the pain is lessening with time.  Embracing life almost seems like a guilty pleasure, but I wish you joy as you do just that, one tentative step at a time.  You deserve to love and be loved, to revel in life's pleasures, great and small.  You have earned it.

Many blessings,
Saara 
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