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Guilt 
Started by highlanddancermom40
06 Dec 2010, 3:47 AM

Since learning that my sister has cancer and the outlook isn't good, I've found myself on a roller coaster of feelings.
Although I am doing everything I can to be strong for her and for myself, I find that I'm often overwhelmed with tremendous guilt. I want to call her, but afraid of the possibility of waking her up...or thinking to myself (how can we celebrate, when she's going through everything she is and suffering the pain of cancer/treatment.) I also find that I have no tolerance and become rather annoyed with everyone around me.
Being choked up is part of my everyday now, but I tend to stop myself (although I've been told this is a normal reaction)as I almost force myself to push it out of my mind...unwilling to accept that she won't get better. Feel as though I am moving around in a fog or a daze.
I also know that she is not ready for her siblings to see her in the condition she's in right now and although I have to respect her wishes, am afraid that if I am not given the opportunity to see her soon, that I won't have that chance before she dies.
My dear sweet sister...how I wish I could take her pain.
Anyone feel the same way?

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Reply by debbied2007
17 Jan 2013, 4:32 PM

Hello Highlanddancermom40, I can relate to how you are feeling.  My husband was diagnosed with cancer of the colon, liver and lung on December 11/12.  I'm not too sure what the outcome will be, but both he and his team of specialists are positive and are attacking the cancer agressively.  I too become very angry sometimes, or very emotional.  Right now I have so much cancer in my life, my mom, my mom-in-law and dad-in-law and now my husband.  My father died in 2008 of cancer also.  It must be hard to not see your sister.  I can't imagine not being able to see any of my siblings if they were sick.  There are days when I am "out of sorts" for lack of a better word and yes annoyed for those around me.  We have one daughter and granddaughter who resides with us, except on weekends.  I so enjoy those weekends, but I am a bit embarassed to actually admit this, as she has bi-polar and needs our help.  Although, she won't admit it.  I can also relate to being in a fog or daze, as there are days when I cannot remember what I've done that day.  Thank goodness for our routine, as when I am in a fog my automatic button turns on and things actually get done.  I would strongly encourage you to see your sister.  I went to see my dad for 8 days about two weeks before he passed and I am so greatful I did that.  I have my wonderful memories of him, although they were tough days.  There were times when he was sooooo angry and he took it out on me.  Now I think about it and realize I was his safety zone, which I realize now why.  I was his baby, but also growing up I was his comfort.  I remember laying beside him on the sofa during lunch, for a quick nap.  Smelling his scent, he was an airplane mechanic, so his clothes always smelled of airline fuel.  To this day, that is my favourite smell.  Again, I encourage you to see her...laugh with her, tell stories of when you were little or various events you attended together.  She may get upset with you, but it will be worth it.  Take care!  Deb
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