Dear Nanalovesu
I have read your posts and feel so much for what you are going through. I know that while words from strangers may seem to some not to have much weight when it comes to offering comfort, for me it is sometimes those very kind words from people who don’t know me intimately, or at all, that arrive to heal my heart at the precise moment when I most need to hear them. Especially appreciated is the opportunity to indulge in any conversation about my late mother, even if it is only for a passing moment between people unfamiliar. If loved ones and friends shun the conversation and our need to keep speaking about the person we have loved and lost, we must find someone to listen, even if it is a professional, as a way to keep the person a part of our daily thoughts and conversations because they are worth it and we cannot all let go in the instant of death the lifelong presence of a loved one.
I speak often about my late mother and I do notice that at times some people feel uncomfortable. I suspect they worry that I may be dwelling too long on her death yet that kind of concern is unwarranted because in my mind I am not negatively focusing on her life or her death, I simply have a need to embrace her essence as a current part of my life, if only in words and feelings. I speak about my Mom and relive memories with my children, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and I know these memories will impact upon the experience of us all as a family as time goes on and as their memories and mine fade, especially those of the younger ones.
My Mom used to talk a lot to me about her grandmother, her mother’s Mom, and the way she described her, a woman I had never met in life since she had died by the time I was born, brought her to life vividly in my imagination. I could sense in the twinkle of my Mom’s eyes and the smile on her face the palpable and deep love and respect my mother had for her grandmother, and while I never knew her, I always felt that I did. Little things, like her sense of humour, and way of expressing herself, as told to me by my Mom in legendary stories of a time long ago, made my great-grandmother a real and living person in my heart and much more than a time-worn, two-dimensional black and white photograph could ever convey. I felt a connection with my Mom’s grandmother, my great-grandmother, all of my life and I still do. My great-grandmother is revered by me for having loved my Mom so well and for having made her feel special in her childhood. It is important to memorialize those we love when they part this world as they are a link to our roots and our life’s experience.
For some the holiday season exaggerates the feelings of loss of a loved one and our sorrow intensifies, but at least the holidays keep us all busy and, thinking practically, there is less time to succumb to our own personal states of mourning and much more natural support from loved ones whom expect the holidays to be difficult for us. I find that the “let-down” period after all the glittering lights are no longer gracing the Christmas tree and when the family gatherings with food and merriment and bustling activity have passed, the quiet returns and may feel rather disconcerting.
Being alone with my feelings to reflect is innately comfortable for me as I have always been a person to put pen to paper to express myself for relief when I am feeling sad, but I realize not everyone finds the same value in the written word. The thought of publically revealing the emotional turmoil that for me is felt churning within takes courage but somehow it is also accompanied by the hope that by sharing these intimate feelings with virtual strangers we will discover a newfound strength to calm the waves of grief – even if only while writing – through the desire to help someone else recognize their own experience in ours, and that thought is soothing to me.
Nanlovesu, I hope you will let go of the regret of not shedding tears at your husband’s funeral as you were kindly trying to accommodate and comfort others by not permitting yourself to cry. It was a terribly big burden to add to your already devastated heart at a time when your shoulders could bear no more. I have found that some people do want to see us “buck up” or “be strong” and this advice is often because they too are falling apart and are afraid that your expressed emotion will cause you or them to lose control. You obviously are grieving deeply and understandably the immense loss of your mate, and you need never apologize to anyone for how you are feeling.
I am the worst when it comes to apologizing to others when I need anything, even just to cry, which is a legitimate need when we are mourning. I have learned to accept that my children who naturally feel protective of me, as I had felt about my Mom, don’t wish to see me suffer, but they have been wonderfully understanding about my need to express my feelings of denial, anger, sadness, despair and acceptance – all of these emotions are still evolving and changing within me – as I assured them that while sometimes I may seem to be completely heartbroken, I will explode literally if I cannot share these deepest and most private feelings with my nearest and dearest. I think that talking about how I am strong – stronger – because I can express these difficult emotions and how I know I will be okay with time and with support, how I needed them to trust me and my ability to cope with the emotional calamity to survive and to be happy again, helped us all navigate this foreign terrain of grief.
On my late Mom’s birthday in September, I realize now I had been holding in all kinds of feelings. My eldest daughter and I went to my Mom’s gravesite and I wept uncontrollably for a very long time. The intensity of my heartache surprised me at the time but it felt good to experience such a strong release of emotion and it felt especially good to have my daughter’s arms around me as I wailed without reserve. I have not cried like that since and I don’t feel the need, but I will again without any fear should the need arise. I hope you will have a conversation with your kids to explain to them that while it can seem scary to see one’s mother grieving and crying for the loss of her husband, their Dad, it will be better in the long run for you all if you share some of these heartbreaking feelings together knowing you are all strong and you will all survive this experience of loss.
We cannot protect our loved ones from feeling the pain of sorrow and nor can they protect us, but to heal we should try to reach out and trust that they will be there for us as we will be for them in the reality of the overwhelming depth of emotions all are likely to feel. Your instincts are right Nanalovesu, tears are nothing to fear but it is a lonely and depressing experience to feel that we must keep our sorrow hidden away privately while we cry secretly. I know I tried to do what you do so my children would not realize the extent of my grief, but once I risked trusting myself and them and our relationship to expose the truth of the depth of my feelings, and to help them with theirs, I was impressed with how much we all grew together in mutual understanding and support and indeed acceptance.
Nanalovesu, if ever you need to cry openly, please find someone whom you trust and feel you don’t need to spare, someone who won’t feel threatened or overly concerned by you doing so and just go for it! We have an opportunity to show our children by example that while life causes us to cry loud and long when we lose someone we cherish, that by doing so we honour the person and our own humanity and feel more connected to one another by expressing the truth of our hearts and by living courageously through the spectrum of emotions we share.
You and your children are never alone, nor am I and mine. Like you with your late husband, I feel my mother is a guardian angel helping us through. I believe in the healing presence and power of angels.
All of us here share something in common and it is much more than death and angels, it encompasses the very nature of life, and hope, and support, and empathy, and the willingness to embrace a bright future that has painted upon it a changing landscape of emotion for each of us. There is no right or wrong way to experience the death of a loved one. It is a heart wrenching experience that leaves us learning to process the enormity of it all. We need to follow our own inner guidance first and foremost as we allow for otherworldly moments when our angels whisper their wisdom in our souls. Kindness and compassion, patience and forgiveness, for ourselves and for others, helps us to travel this new road without a clear destination.
We are all strong – much stronger than anyone of us ever knew when life as we once knew it seemed predictable, I suspect. As for crying out loud, in company, wailing to the rooftops for the injustice of our particular loss, that is not only predictable human behaviour, in my opinion it is the healthiest thing one can do to heal one’s heart and to ease the pain over time.
After a summer rain the sun shines high in the sky and our eyes behold a colourful rainbow as we gaze breathlessly in awe of its splendour. Nature never ceases to amaze the most hardened or hurting among us. With tears glistening in our eyes, we are like the rainbow with angels peeking through the sun that will surely shine upon us again to reveal the power of love and the beauty of nature. Love is a living within us and all around us, above and beyond us, timeless and true, as we cherish our life and embrace our loved ones, and hold dear our memories of all those we love, forever.
To everyone here: All the best in 2012!:)