Hi Charneypam:
I think it is almost impossible to get the answers we seek when we're in the situation, and in fact for me, I didn't even know what questions I should be asking when my Mom was ill and dying. Luckily, we had the benefit of a palliative doctor at the hospital, but only for the last couple of days of my Mom's life. Prior to her help, we were adrift without any clear guidance from staff at the hospital and little support as my Mom had to spend the first four days in an emergency room, which was ultra busy with many other patients, short staffed, and it was uncomfortable for her and us, her family, since the bed was narrow (a notch up from a stretcher) and the room was cramped and we had little room to move.
The hardest thing for me to deal with was a lack of information about my Mom's condition. No doctor would tell me if she would live or die and yet every family member who saw her knew by looking at her and observing her that she was fast approaching her final breath. I think the doctors and nurses are too concerned with liability if they make mistakes, and yet from my viewpoint it is that very attitude that creates mistrust between the professionals and patients and families.
I know exactly what you mean about this situation you are now in being new and feeling that you must speculate in the absence of information. It is unfair that you are put in the position that you are somewhat involved and yet tethered at the same time and you may feel that your lack of confidence in the information available could lead you to feel responsible if your aunt's situation worsens, or if she should die before you have had a chance to suss out every possible intervention that could prolong her life or ease the pain of her experience in her final journey from this life to the next.
Family dynamics is another complication in circumstances like your aunt's and yours. Every family has its own set of complexities and often there is disagreement between the terminally ill person and/or between family members about how the situation will be dealt with and who is best capable of helping the person make decisions. Sometimes hidden resentments, painful memories and competitive feelings surface and these just make it all so much harder to deal with everything.
Until you come across the right information that will help you accept your aunt's wishes, or until she is open to listening to other alternatives, I hope you will know in the very deepest place within you that whatever happens, it is not your fault. Sometimes the best we can do for another is to offer help and another perspective, but we have no guarantee that our help will be accepted or our advice well-received.
That you are on this VirtualHospice site and obviously giving a lot of time and thought to your aunt's predicament is so impressive to me! Don't fear that your speculations, as you put it, are so off-base. Trust your instincts and just keep the communication flowing as much as possible between yourself and your aunt and know that by you respecting her decision, even when you disagree, rather than forcing her to accept advice she may not be able to yet accept, is a huge honour to her and it shows deep respect and love for her especially in light of the conflicts it causes you within.
Perhaps your aunt is coping in her own way that seems at odds with how you would choose to cope, and maybe you need to ask for comfort and guidance for yourself as well, because you too are suffering.
Please write more and as often as you need, Charneypam! Don't despair, you can't make a mistake when you are acting out of love. No matter what heppens, you will always know you have and have had your aunt's best interests at heart and that's the best any of us can expect of ourselves. And remember, your feelings are very normal and you are never alone. That's the irony, isn't it? There is someone out there who knows and understands and empathizes with what you are going through and feeling, and at the same time there is someones relating to exactly what your aunt is experiencing and how she's choosing to deal with her situation.
With love, time, patience, information, empathy, experience and acceptance of ourselves and others, we can't go wrong. You are phenomenal!