Discussion Forums

Reply by moderator | modératrice

16 Jan 2012, 7:42 PM

Absolutely agree. Thank you for articulating.

Colleen

Report this post

Reply by Plum1

07 Feb 2012, 2:15 AM

Dear Charneypam,
Just checking in to know how you are doing, and also how your aunt is doing these days. I am sure these continue to be stressful times, and I want you to know that I am thinking of you and holding you and your aunt in my heart and prayer.
Has there been any change or development?
With you in spirit,
Plum1

Report this post

Reply by Charneypam

11 Feb 2012, 3:33 AM

Hello - thanks so much Plum1 for your concern and inquiry. Things are about the same and my aunt continues to be extremely tired and nauseous. I am hanging in there - lots of emotional ups and downs.
Thank you again for your support.

Report this post

Reply by Cath1

11 Feb 2012, 6:32 PM

Hi Charneypam:

I'm happy to see you have come back to update us at Virtual Hospice. I sense exhaustion in your words, but maybe I'm projecting.

I hope you know that the emotional upheaval that your aunt and you are probably both experiencing is normal, yet very tiresome. I remember well going through a host of emotions when my Mom was ill and dying, and my feelings and ability to cope with them sometimes changed from minute to minute. Feeling sensitive emotionally is also draining physically.

One moment I felt calm and it was enough to simply be with my Mom stroking her face or holding her hand as she slept, while in the next instant I felt energized when she awoke to suddenly speak and as she spoke my tears flowed uncontrollably.

I also recall trying to shield my mother from my tears as I wanted to be strong for her in every second and I didn't want her to see me hurting. My every sense was heightened and I wanted to protect her, comfort her, just as I know instinctively she wanted to protect and comfort me.

It was impossible to be such a rock I discovered, though I did my best. As my Mom suffered, I suffered, and even as she slept softly under the shadow of vulnerability, my pain was her pain. So intertwined is the experience of mothers and children, even very adult children!:) Even when, perhaps especially when, a loved one is ill and the essence of life is fast fading, the soul of love is palpably attendant.

In my Mom's last few days on earth there were many times when I and my family felt hopeful and helpful, yet at other times hope seemed to abandon us completely. In dark moments of despair it seemed that nothing anyone did, including me, no matter how much love was present between us, no matter how much we wanted my Mom to live and to recover could or did change the outcome. We were all learning an important lesson about the nature of life and death and acceptance.

Beginnings and endings are potent experiences. Birth and death each have the power to overwhelm us with emotion. and to remind us quite effectively that in reality we have very limited influence or control with respect to the natural world and the timing of events.

Standing by not always knowing what to do, I sometimes felt every bit as helpless as I perceived my Mom to be in her weakened state. It's so heartbreaking to see someone we love become seriously ill. When we see a loved one struggle, we struggle alongside them searching for some kind of reassurance that they and we will be okay, we will survive the test, we will endure to live. Sometimes our wish is granted, but not always.

In the end, I found out that while my Mom was preparing for her death, she was also helping to prepare me and our family for life without her. At the moment death came to call her name, I was able to accept that she was going on and I assured her that I and my brothers and our families would be fine. I thanked her for being such a beautiful and loving person, a remarkably kind and loveable mother and grandmother. I whispered words of love and letting go as she held my gaze and then contentedly closed her eyes to greet her blissful peace. She left us knowing that her loved ones trusted the nature of life and death and that we too would one follow her ascent.

My Mom believed, as do I, that we will meet again and the love we have for one another lives on within us both. She is now loving me from afar in another mysterious dimension I call afterlife, and me, I am loving her still in this mysterious place I call present life.

Charneypam, please remember as you help your aunt through her struggles in this present life, your love means the world to her and makes such a difference. Thank you for gracing us once again with your presence here.

Wishing both you and your aunt much love, hope and acceptance.

Report this post

Reply by Charneypam

14 Feb 2012, 2:38 AM

Thank you so much Cath for your letter - you have such a beautiful way of writing and you sound so very wise. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me - your stories of times with your mom gave me a lump in my throat. It is nice connecting with you and knowing that I am not alone. Thank you again.

Report this post

Reply by Cath1

14 Feb 2012, 3:38 AM

Hi Charneypam:

I've really missed your updates so I feel thrilled that you have found some time for yourself to reconnect her again. I do wonder how you are doing - really doing while you're helping your aunt cope with her illness. Please don't feel any pressure whatsoever to respond to my questions, but please do know that if you need someone to listen, there will be someone here for you.

I find it quite astonishing that you have so much sensitivity to thank me for sharing my experience with you. Your praise means so much to me because the words I write come straight through my heart to yours. I am so happy to know that some of my experiences have touched you.  Thank you Charneypam.

Thinking about the weather is one bright spot I'm grateful for this winter as it has been unseasonally mild in comparison to most years. I imagine it makes getting around much easier for older people and anyone with health issues, like your aunt. Have you found that the weather has helped in any way? Today in Toronto it was sunny which makes a winter day seem far less cold. I sense spring in the air, but hopefully I won't jinx us all and bring the snow with that statement!:)

You definitely are not alone Charneypam and I am glad you realize it. Thanks for stopping by to Virtual Hospice tonight and for your very sweet message. I'm happy that we have connected as well!:) You're being very brave, and I hope you always remember that because it is not easy to be in your shoes right now, and I know this because I have walked a few miles in similar shoes. I also know we are all much stronger than we ever imagine and despite our doubts we are able to fit ourselves into whatever size shoes life patterns for us. We can and will adapt. All we need is some time and some understanding and support. You've got mine!

Take care, Charneypam, until next time...!:)

Report this post

Reply by Charneypam

15 Feb 2012, 9:21 PM

Good Afternoon Cath - I hope you had a good Valentine's Day and yes, I love connecting with you. Losing a parent can be heartbreaking and I am sensitive to what you went through with your mom. I lost my dad in 1994 - he was 53 when he passed away from non-hodgkins lymphoma (he was diagnosed when he was approximately 42). I don't think we ever get over losing a parent - I still miss my dad so much - especially at times like this. Sometimes I just want someone to give me a big hug and take it all away. My husband and boys are incredibly supportive but no one can really take away the pain and feeling of frustration and adequacy. I have not mentioned before that I have taken over the responsibility of looking after my aunt's dog - I have been with her since she was a puppy and have always said I would look after her should anything happen to my aunt. I take her to my aunt's in the morning and she stays there until I am finished work. I am so happy that I can do this and the dog is amazing. When I pick up the dog in the afternoon I spend an hour visiting so I get to see my aunt on a daily basis during the week. As I have mentioned before we are very close. I am glad that we have this arrangement as it gives my aunt time with her dog without the worry about walking her etc., because she just doesn't have the energy to do that anymore. I am finding that lately I seem to be on the verge of crying for no reason at all - I can't figure it out - is it hormones as I am 47 or is it the whole situation. I don't really feel stressed, just sad, frustrated and helpless. The weather definitely has helped as I am able to walk the dog daily. Walking is one thing that I really enjoy. I guess things happen for a reason but sometimes I can't help but wonder "why" - what lesson is suffering supposed to teach anyone. Thank you again for allowing me to vent in this forum. I really appreciate your messages and love connecting.
Charneypam

Report this post

Reply by Charneypam

16 Feb 2012, 2:27 AM

Whoops - just re-reading my message - I meant "inadequacy" not adequacy.

Report this post

Reply by Cath1

16 Feb 2012, 5:13 AM

Dear Charneypam:

Oh my goodness, I am sorry to hear that your Dad passed away when you were still so young, as was he. I can only imagine how difficult it is to lose your father while in his prime and while you were barely into your adult years. Of course you have found this a very traumatic parting.  I'm sure that you miss your Dad immensely, his time, his fatherly love and support.

Just losing that cosy and comfortable feeling of security we naturally feel when we have someone in the world who has known us, and loved and accepted us exactly as we are, must feel devastating. You're so right when you say, we never really "get over the pain and feeling of frustration and inadequacy " when a parent dies. Your next statement about needing a hug really touched me because I imagine you are missing that strong and sure hug that only your Dad could provide which made you feel like all would be well in your world again no matter what you may have been facing.

I think the younger we and our parents are when we are separated by death intensifies grief.

When my 84 year old Mom died, I was older than your Dad was when he passed away. That is very sad. I was and am much more able to accept that my Mom could not live forever at my age. At your young age it must have been beyond heartbreaking. Do you think the reason you are feeling sensitive and weepy lately may be related to feelings you have about your Dad's death?

Perhaps seeing your aunt go through her experience, and wondering what the future will hold brings up unsettling yet familiar feelings for you related to that heartbreaking time when you had to say goodbye to your Dad? I know precisely how you feel about being loved by others, and while you feel very fortunate for your husband and sons' love and support, it does not make up for the special love your father and you experienced. A parent's love for us as you know is different than any other kind of love. Parents are irreplaceable as was your Dad to you and my Mom to me. Nobody can take their place in our hearts.

Charneypam, thanks for sharing more of what you're going through and most importantly for sharing openly your feelings. Feelings are not meant to be analysed in my opinion, although I've tried at time to do so hoping that my logical mind could conquer troubling emotions. It never works for me. I think it's very important to simply give yourself the permission to honestly feel and to express your feelings, unless of course by expressing them it would be destructive to you or someone else.

I love that your aunt is able with your daily help to have her dog with her. How very sweet of you to do this for her! A dog is not only a man;s best friend as a I'm sure your aunt knows!:) Studies have shown that a pet can help people with their health and sense of well-being. They can lower blood pressure and are a pick-me-up when our spirits are ailing. And it's fantastic that you love to walk. Studies show that it is one of the best stress reducers and aids in promoting good health all around. Of course, I don't have these studies I'm citing here, but I know I've read them!:)

Tonight I was at a Healthcare Social Media Canada event and I didn't have a moment to respond to your message earlier, hence the late hour of my reply. I just didn't want to go to bed before taking the time to remind you that you are doing great which translated means for you as it means for us all, doing the best you can given the circumstances. Please pat yourself on the back and try not to expect more of yourself than is possible in any given moment. You have a busy life with a family of your own to care for and yet you still make time and give more of yourself to offer your - daily - and loving assistance to your aunt, and I hope you know that it is remarkable!

I know a virtual hug cannot even come close to the loving embrace of your Dad, nor will it make everything better, but I am sending a mighty hug your way anyway while hoping that somehow it will remind you that your Dad's love is still lives within you and it can be felt in your every heartbeat. I'm sure he would feel so very proud of his "little girl" for the compassionate, caring woman you've grown into. For everything you are doing to help those you love, you deserve to feel very proud of yourself!

Get some rest as I plan to as well, and we'll connect again soon, Charneypam!:) Sleep tight.

Cath

PS: No worries about typos - I wear the Queen's crown for those!:)

   .

Report this post

Reply by Charneypam

18 Feb 2012, 3:29 AM

Good Evening VHcath - I can believe how religious you are about writing me and how wonderful your messages are. You seem to be able to read my emotions. Your comments about what I am going through now possibly bringing back feelings of my dad's passing is probably right - I had never thought of it that way - but I do feel like I am alone and that the ones I love either leave or are taken from me. I feel like I have to be the strong one - I have always been the one that people tell their problems to. I am a Leo and a natural born "fixer". During my dad's illness I didn't really realize the severity of it - he never complained or discussed his fears. He was very strong thoughout - he even asked his friends to be pallbearers during the week before he passed away. He was so very strong. My parents always taught me to "imagine how you would feel if you were in their shoes" - this has been a great lesson all my life, but I am finding that it is haunting me now because I keep imagining how I would feel if I was the one sick and not my Aunt. How do you accept that you are going to die - I know we are all going to die someday, but how must it feel to know that you are going to die from such an awful disease. I am sure all the questions running through my head are the same questions that others have when they are in this position - my issues are not unique in any way. I am rambling and throwing out random thoughts. I want to thank you again VHcath for your messages - I love the way you write and often read your messages numerous times because they are so beautifully written. You are a sweet and compassionate person. Hope you have a great weekend.
Charneypam

Report this post

Enter your email address (the one you used when you joined Canadian Virtual Hospice). We will email you a new password right away.

Email Address:

Become a Member

As a member of the Canadian Virtual Hospice, you can ask a question confidentially on Ask a Professional and contribute to the Discussion Forums. Join for free now to connect and share with others.

Discussion Forum members receive a monthly newsletter. You also have the option to sign up for the Canadian Virtual Hospice monthly newsletter.

Please fill in the information below.

Nickname:*

You will be known to other users only by your nickname. You do not need to reveal your identity by using your full name, real name or email address. Choose a nickname that is easy for you to remember.

Email Address:*

Your email will not be visible on the Virtual Hospice website. We will NOT sell, distribute or misuse your email address.

Password:*

Confirm Password:*

Country: