Hi Anniemedic:

I don't know if my experience will help you but I want to help you so I'll share and you can let me know if my story makes a difference for you. I hope it will.

My Mom passed away also in December, a couple of weeks before Christmas in 2010. It's been over a year now and for the most part I think I have healed a lot, but as many people say you never heal completely, you learn to approach life completely differently without your loved one, in your case your Dad, and in mine, my Mom.

Your grief is very new and if this is the first person that close to you whom you've lost, as was the case for me when my Mom died, the whole experience is foreign and no matter what anyone tells you, you will define the experience of grief for yourself. I recall how unbelievably overwhelmed I felt by ordinary things in those first days, weeks and months after my Mom died. I wasn't able to fake how I felt to please others. I was simply devastated. I talked to anyone who would listen about my Mom and my feelings of sadness, anger and guilt and despair.

I was and am probably still experiencing a "complicated" grief due to the circumstances leading up to my Mom's death. My Mom, like your Dad, spent four days in an emergency room, her kidney's failing and her blood pressure rising sky high. Our family was forced to wear gowns and gloves because once at a previous time of admission to hospital my Mom had contracted the MRS virus. Due diligence was great, but it was extended for days until finally they got the test results that came back negative and we were finally allowed to shed the latex gloves and gowns and to hold my Mom's hand, skin to skin. That made a huge difference to her and to us all as that intimate contact gave her and we much needed comfort. Small mercies.

By mid-week the priest was summoned to give my Mom the last rights of the Catholic church (important to her) and I was beginning to accept that my Mom was too ill to rally back and recover. I did not want to accept it and like you I was keeping up very well with no sleep. Fear of my Mom's impending death was like an adrenalin that kept vigil with us.

The lack of advise and support from staff in emergency was frightening, although some nurse's were fabulous not all were. I stayed with my Mom 24/7 like you did with your Dad. My Mom had been mentally ill all of my life and I was her substitute decision maker. We were extremely close, sometimes I think we were too close. In my family I am perceived as the strong one, the one who accepts the responsibility for whatever the crisis of the moment happens to be and my brothers both live far away. When reading your post, I could sense the weight of that same kind of responsibility you felt in the circumstance with your Dad, as you were trying to be there for him simply as his daughter, and for your Mom as hers when she insisted you come transport him to the hospital instead of calling 911. You were in an impossible situation. You wanted to and did the best thing you could do in the situation. There simply is no wrong thing done by you.

Often families rely upon family members to stand in for others if they have a certain expertise. You happen to be a paramedic and your family respects your work and your professional accomplishments or you would never have been summoned to help your Dad. I think your Mom is deeply grieving and sadly she is targeting you as the outlet for her anger because all the times in the past you could somehow make all the difference and this time it was different. It's not logical, but it's grief and it plays a number on people's minds and hearts and in different ways.

Rather than reacting to your Mom's inappropriate comments which are likely masking some guilt she is carrying for not having called 911, I suggest you focus on your own pain and find ways to soothe it. In that moment when your Dad was ill, neither your Mom or you could be expected to make completely rational and objective decisions. After all we're talking about your Dad and her husband, the man you both love dearly. Grief is a messy business. I suggest you try to forgive your Mom's awkward and hurtful words as she tries to find her new way of being in the world without your Dad, just as you are trying desperately to find yours. You may both be feelin angry with one another and for no really good reason other than you're both consumed with anger that the unimaginable happened and your Dad died. It was no one's fault.

You and your Mom need one another now. I don't know if it's possible for you to express to her how much her accusations are hurting you still, long after they first wounded your heart, but if you can, in a calm and understanding way, perhaps you could open a door to healing for you both. You will know in your own heart if it's possible and if it is when the time is right.

As a professional healthcare worker you know better than most that frightened families are not always able to make good decisions for their loved one if their life is on the line. Why are you not allowed to see yourself simply as your Dad's child, the daughter who loves him and was afraid of losing him and even worse, frightened that you were making a mistake? You are allowed to be vulnerable just like the many people you've helped over the years in emergency situations. Your paramedic hat blew out the door the moment your Dad was in peril and you cannot possibly spend one more second punishing yourself for being human.

September is a long way off in the scheme of things. Don't expect that how you're coping now is an indication of how you will feel so far down the road. You will likely be by that time very much more confident and steady that you can expect yourself to feel in this moment. If you can try to separate your Mom's grief from your own, and not allow it to define yours, and certainly don't allow it to define you, then you will get through this terribly troubling time of self doubt.

Your world has changed Anniemedic, but it will again be a place where you feel safe and assured and comfortable, and your experience of deep personal loss will strengthen you over time. Allow yourself the benefit of time, love and support from your husband and friends and family, and your Mom. Natrice and Kathy each gave you wonderful words of wisdom, and there is always someone here to listen and to help. You are much more capable of surviving this experience than you now feel is possible, but please don't trust me when I say it, trust yourself.

I was a caregiver of my Mom for years and when she died I was left feeling as you are now desolate and lost, so much of my emotional energy was in sync with my Mom. Now I have more time to focus my caring nature and energies elsewhere, something I couldn’t do as much of when my Mom was living and I am finding it does help fill the void in my soul. I know as well, having spent those long, sleepless nights watching helpless as my Mom’s life was slipping from this life to the next, that she is now at peace. She is resting in perfect bliss and I deserve a little rest after such a long and arduous journey with her side by side. Your Dad is now at rest as well, Anniemedic, and I’m sure he will always be your rock. One day your memories of him and everything he taught you, all the love he gave and leaves for your to carry on will keep you strong as you continue healing.

I so hope you will release the burden of regret you are carrying. I know it’s such a heavy weight to bear. I also know that we can learn to accept our human limitations to find that we did our best and that we tried our best is enough. A big part of the way lightening your load is to keep actively involved in life and work. If you can't work right now, please don't entertain the notion that you will not be able to work again in your chosen field. I think you should defer all major life decisions for the time being.

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with such a long message. I just really feel for what you’re going through and I believe that all you need to work on is believing in yourself as your Dad and your Mom both did and do.

Please let us know how you're doing. Write any time you feel the need!

VHcath