Dear Caron:

Your heartbreak is palpable! Welcome to Virtual Hospice and I am glad you trust that we will understand your feelings and that you are doing the right thing by seeking a safe and supportive place to express your real feelings. You will not be judged here.

I have adult children too and I know from experience when emotion and worry come into play within families - especially in times of crisis - how they each and all have an opinion. Some of my children are laid back and accepting by nature, but others are more intense as am I and in need of feeling some control. Those who feel threatened when circumstances present them with little to no control almost instinctively try to overcompensate to create it.

You are so wise as your son's mother to understand your son's motivations, but I feel for you as your needs are being inadvertently overlooked by way of his reaction and suggestions. Please don't feel that you should follow anyone else's advice and direction to appease their fears. You are amazing in your ability to accept your husband's illness and all that it means.

Please write more and I know others with more direct experience with situations such as yours will respond to you as well. Cry if you feel the need. It is not your responsibility to shield others from your painful emotions nor can you possibly do anything to change your husband's health or prevent those you love, your kids, from having to accept that the future may not be as long as they wish it could be with their Dad.

I agree that your husband's life now should be all about comfort - his comfort - and yours as you tend to his daily needs. It is heartbreaking for you to see your kids panicky about the prospect of losing their much loved Dad, but they are adults and you must expect and allow them to find their own ways to cope with anticipatory grief you are all experiencing. Please if you can, speak to them and ask them to support you in the way you need as you are so well supporting your husband and their Dad.

You Caron, and your husband and all your family will remain in my prayers and my heart. Hang in there with us as we are here for you!:)

Cath1

<sub>Hello Caron,

This is my very first time on the website, so I truly hope to discuss and share with you my similar story. I am so sorry that you and your husband are experiencing such sadness. I can truly relate, as
My husband (46 years old) also has Extensive stage small cell lung cancer. He was diagnosed 5 months ago.  We have 13 yr old twin Daughters, plus 3 older sons that do not live at home - our lives have been so exceptionally rewarding and happy until we heard those words.
He has undergone chemo and radiation, and neither have worked. It is agressively growing. It is in his lungs, lymph nodes, liver, spine, shoulder blades, neck, thigh, hip and brain.
My husband does not want to be told a "time", so I have such an overwhelming fear of how much time he has....
It is breaking my heart,  the last scan has shown rapid growth in the past month... Im so afraid.
Caron- I'm here for you & hope that you and I can share some strength. This will be the first conversation with someone that is experiencing what I/we are going through...
Sadness has taken over our lives-- and have found that most people that have not experienced this incredible sadness just cannot relate.
carrieK</sub>   
  

Hi CarrieK:

I know you intend your message for Caron and I'm sure she will respond the next time she visits to our forum, but it is late on the eve of the Easter long weekend, and I just want to ensure you that someone is listening to you pour out your heart and caring about your feelings.

I am so sorry that your husband was struck with such a serious and life limiting illness in his prime. You are completely right, unless someone has suffered the same thing you and he are both going through they cannot know fully the extent of how frightened you both feel.

I know I want to understand, and I do empathize with you, but I will never tell you I know exactly how you feel because I have never had to face such heartbreak, but the kind of heartbreaks I have experienced have been made more bearable simply because of the care and kindness of others. It made a difference to me in my situations, and I hope that knowing others do care about the pain and terror you are suffering will give you some comfort.

I want to help and assure you that you and Caron are not alone and while your heart is broken and your life is filled with anxiety about what to expect, I hope that by reaching out and writing to us here it will help in some small way. I know it's not enough to make a huge difference all at once, but perhaps the more you reach out and unburden yourself from the weight of everything you carrying alone, while caring for and about your husband, and worrying about your kids, that little by little, day by day, we will add to your emotional strength through support and conversation. I know you need to help you cope because we all do. We are human and life's circumstances sure put our humanity to the test as you know better than I. I hope you will find the kind of help that you'll be able to relate to here in the Virtual Hospice community.

If you want to talk tonight, I'll be listening. If you prefer to wait for Caron or others to respond that's ok too and I will understand. You are one of us now. We are with you. Hugs from me to you! xo

Cath1

  

Thanks so much for replying, I could not figure out how to start my own discussion (my first time on here) I was drawn to Caron's post, as her husband has extensive stage small cell--same as mine.
I do feel so alone...Im sad, afraid all of the emotions that Im sure you are all familiar with, until 5 months ago I did not know or understand this pain.
 Caron I have questions for you, so I really hope you do reply (I have not been able to find anyone else that is dealing with the same diagnosis) I thought maybe since we were experiencing the same.. we could lean on each other.

Cath1 & Tian, thank you so much for your support.... I so appreciate your hugs and care cause I really need it...I have never felt so helpless in my life.... please keep talking with me....XO