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Reply by NatR

12 Aug 2014, 1:46 PM

Dear KCBJ,

I had to write to you before I do anything else today!
what you are doing for your mom - putting her in the hospital where the care and staff can handke safe transfers and who work shifts so they get a break and rest - this is where your mom needs to be - despite your wish and feelings of guilt that you are not doing enough

those feelings are what we all deal with - little pings in our hearts that alert us to our inner self who says - you can do it, you should do it, it's what your mom, dad, sibling or spOuse needs.

i have worked in long term care - started a job in a nursing home, working nights and told by my fellow stafferS things like this

you Can get that patient out of bed with the hoyer, we all do it? If you ask for a second staff member you are just slowing us all down! get with the program

of course when two person lifting for safety became a requirement~ that was a thing of the past...

you need to consider the safety and comfort for your mom - it's no longer something you should do alone any more

the comment you made about what the doc said to you is deplorable in my opinion - family members are already feeling guilty enough without the staff saying such things !!

i want to share one thing... The past 5 years I was very much hands on caring for a grandchild with total needs - 24 hrs a day

yes there was school hours and short term respithe - and then longer term respite until now this week - my grandchild at aged 19 is now permanently placed in a group home where she will get round the clock care from teams of staff rotating around the days and nights

there are 6 other clients and a ratio of 2-3 staff for this group in understand.

Today I am invited to go and see her in her new home and meet her staff and see her room

Can you imagine my guilt? I don't think it will ever quite leave me

the past five years were not totally caring for her - but even caring for her 3 days a week was draining as I didn't sleep well because I needed to listen for her / and days were busy when she was at home - she likes attention and companionship (dont we all)

so I do get your feelings (and I am a senior now;) older than you but not necessarily wiser:) )
irs okay
We all walk that path and feel we should do more

make plans for your moms care and start taking care of yourself - it's time;)

whatever you you decide to do is okay.. I am not suggesting what you should or shouldn't do - but it sounds to me like there are increased needs, increased care and it's more than you can deal with now
sending you hugs over the miLes
best wishes
NatR

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Reply by Brayden

12 Aug 2014, 5:06 PM

Dear Barb & NatR,

I just need to repeat what NatR said about your Doc's comment to you. That was about the most insensitive comment he/she could have made. Absolutely no feelings for you as the caregiver at all. Just shows again what damage one person can do with ill spoken words. I just hope that you can get those words out of your mind and cary on as only you know best. You have done such a marvelous job.

NatR, I hope that today you can focus on the positive things, as you told Barb and have a great day. Wishing you both the best.

Brayden

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Reply by NatR

12 Aug 2014, 5:30 PM

Thanks Brayden,

how are you doing! Are you over the shingles? I read that somewhere;)
appreciate the thoughts
NatR

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Reply by Brayden

12 Aug 2014, 8:23 PM

Dear NatR,

I am doing just fine. I got over my shingles and look better than ever now. lol. I sure appreciate seeing you respond frequently again and hope that your short rest was good for you. It is such a good excuse for me not to feel that I have to reply quickly as you always give the best response and I can keep mine short. Thanks. I appreciate you.

Brayden

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Reply by NatR

12 Aug 2014, 11:53 PM

Thanks very much Brayden,

its nice to hear kind words from you - I like to think we are one big team working together - the appreciation goes right back to you and all forum members
hugs
NatR

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Reply by KathCull_admin

22 Aug 2014, 1:21 AM

Hello everyone,
Summer seems to be putting her skates on and racing past me! Why am I always surprised that the end of August comes?

This evening, BlackCat, a new member posted to Frustrated...how do I cope?! Could I ask you to consider responding to her? Thanks so much.

KCBJ, her story made me think of you.

Take care all

Katherine

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Reply by KCBJ

22 Aug 2014, 5:52 AM

Hello Katherine. I'm not sure how I can be of assistance but I would be pleased to help where I can.

As for my situation my mother is still in the hospital. As soon as i can make all the nexxary arrangments for equipment and home care back in place i hope to be able to bring my mother home. Yes i know all the reasons not to do this but i liken my mother to that of soneone's mentally ill child. You wouldn't not try your absolute bedt and neither would i with my mother.

What i will be bringing home is an old woman who can no longer stand on her own nor properly use her hands to eat with utensils. She speaks in gibberish a good portion of the time. She will need a lift belt and a hoya. She is only a shell now. But she will be more comfortable at home with myself and the dogs in familiar surroundings.

She will have my bedroom which is larger for the hospital bed and hoya. I'll take her room. I will have and this time make use of the respite. I think this will save my energy running home then to the hospital then back home. My Penny has been acting up and now sits in a kennel while I'm at work. I come home for lunch now and let everyone out. Then back to the kennel Penny goes. My other dog Brandy has also been acting up as of late. The other two dogs are ok so far. So in the long run having my mother home will also benefit me. All I pray for is that my mother will sleep thru the night. If I can sleep at night I should be ok for some time yet.

I'll do it for as long as i can. When the time comes to put her in a nursing home i will have no regrets for doing all i can.

Barb

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Reply by NatR

22 Aug 2014, 2:19 PM

Bravo Barb!!

you have sorted it all out and planned how you will care for your mom

I am very proud of you - as a caregiver I know how much you want to do this.
as a daughter I also understand that you still want mom at home with you til no longer possible to care for her safely.

thanks for sharing your plans - and I believe your mom would understand, if she could, that you are doing your very best for her.

in the end, you will have no regrets or guilt, you will have done it your way til the last moment.

its very difficult to make these decisions but you have done what's right for you and mom.

sending you a hug today
Sincerely,
natR

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Reply by KathCull_admin

22 Aug 2014, 4:58 PM

I second what natR says - Bravo! I especially like the line you wrote last night (or rather this morning) '..I will have no regrets for doing all I can'. Words to live by.

Barb, what I was wondering is if you and others who are on this thread might go to BlackCat's thread Frustrated...how do I cope?! and post a response to her – as people feel able to. I never want to assume, but it sounds like your stories are similar.

Katherine

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Reply by jorola

23 Aug 2014, 12:27 AM

Hi Barb,

i do not think i have written to you before but i have read your story and your updates. I think you are a very strong lady who has done everything in her power and more to help her mom. You have had a a tough battle with contining to care for your mom, the dogs and staying working. I am glad you are getting respite to help you. I read youw ent out with friends for a coffee. I hope you continue to do fun things for yourself. Sending strength your way dear lady.

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