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Reply by KCBJ
06 Sep 2014, 3:59 AM

Sorry I haven't kept up with writing.  It's been a tough week.  Brought my mother home from hospital on September 2. Exactly one month after I admitted her. She is so frail now. Talks gibberish.  Can't stand or move.  Can't feed herself or anything else.  I thank God I have home care. The woman is here from 8:30 to 6 pm I alsi have Saturday from noon to 5. 

Ive been keeping myself busy while she was in hospital. Finding all the things she's hidden. Especially my jewellery pieces that she hid in separate locations. Nearly tossed my saphire ring into the garbage. She had it wrapped in toilet paper in a used tissue box. found clothes everywhere. Things with price tags and others that she never wire but hid.must admit I cried. Rhe miney wasted.

I know rhe time will soon come when she returns to hospital. She won't be xoming back again. So very sad!

I apologize for not respinding. Much to much happening in my head. I'm  grateful to the people i work with who have supported me and my manager who gave me so much keeway. I wouldnt have made it otherwuse.

That's it for now. So tired! So very tired!!

Barb 
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Reply by NatR
06 Sep 2014, 2:49 PM

Dear Barb,

i can can feel the tiredness in your note.  I do understand a bit of how you feel - dealing with everything, watching your mom day by day - knowing that there is no way to change things - but you are ensuring your mom has good care and everything she needs

that's incredible that you have enough homecare hours to allow you to work and not worry .
 Glad to hear your workplace and boss are being supportive - that's wonderful.

its interesting how older people start squirrelling away money, jewellery and valuables.  So glad you searched and found them 
a friend going through this same scenario told me they found gold coins  wrapped up in a drawer, other things in various secret spots.  I guess it's something many caregivers deal with.

my mom also tucked money into books, stuck some in her fridge freezer / things like that

my thoughts are with you
it's good you had the energy to update the forum - and today I hope that your day will be okay - just take things one step at a time
sounds like you are doing that already

sending you a virtual hug;)
take care
NatR  
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Reply by KathCull_admin
10 Sep 2014, 4:42 PM

Hi,
KCBJ we spend so much time at work - it's good to know your workplace and manager are supportive. It will have been an adjustment having your mother home again after a month as well as having a support worker in your home - very good but an adjustment I would imagine.

Other members, like Oldbat, have been talking in the last week or so about the demands of caregiving on the thread But who advocates for me?  I thought you might be interested in reading it. Clicking on the link will bring you to the first page.


Have things been any more settled in your home?


Katherine

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Reply by KCBJ
16 Sep 2014, 4:32 PM

My mother passed last evening. Now the question is did I do too little. Funny how the mind works.
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Reply by Brayden
16 Sep 2014, 4:51 PM

Dear Barb,


My heart goes out to you this morning. It truly is strange how your mind works, even though you have been such a dedicated care-giver for so many years. What more could you have possibly have done. You gave 110%. Please keep asking the questions as you go into your grief journey. I am sure there will still be some rough days ahead as you work things thru. Our heartfelt concern for you will always be here. Peace. 


Brayden

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Reply by KathCull_admin
16 Sep 2014, 5:19 PM

Hi Barb,
My sympathy to you. I am sure her passing will leave a large hole in your life.  You will probably also need lots of rest. Grieving is hard work.


You are not alone in asking the question, ‘Did I do enough?’  AdoptedSon started a thread talking about this very concern on Regrets and MemoriesAnd Colleen just yesterday started Down with Guilt!  


Was your mother home when she passed away? Do you have people who can help you with plans that need to be made?


Katherine
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Reply by KCBJ
16 Sep 2014, 5:28 PM

No KathCull. Just myself and the dogs. Making funeral arrangements is as far as I've gotten today. Cleaning up. Taking a few days off. Tried to go to work but everyone kept hugging me. :-) Not a bad thing normally. She thankfully passed in the hospital. Think if it happened at home I would have been done for. |Brought her in the morning and evening she was gone. Did I wait too long? I don't know. Yes, it would have happened anyway. She was 99 and recently discharged from hospital. Maybe should have left her there. Don't know! Very surreal.
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Reply by NatR
16 Sep 2014, 5:40 PM

My condolences to you Barb,

i send you my thoughts
i am sorry that you are dealing with those feelings of guilt and hoping you did enough
my dear friend, you did awesome!
i wish I had been able to do more for my own mother / didn't live close enough to help care for her
i will always feel the guilt too

i think it's a part of being an empathectic person / I feel that is how you are too - demand the highest level of caring and commitment and yet still feeling inadequate 

you did that
your mom had everything done for her that you could possibly arrange
don't dwell on that negative - it's something you may not be able to change in yourself - and there is no reason to change.  You did well

i hope you can keep focused on all the comfort and quality of life you extended to your mom
she knows what you did - she couldn't say it but she knew how much you gave.

peace Barb, time to rest now and take care of you:)
best wishes,
 NatR 
 
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Reply by jorola
20 Sep 2014, 4:40 AM

My deepest condolences to you Barb. Many people feel the feel you describe after they lose someone. It is part of the grieving process. However, especially in your case, pleae don't question yourself. You were so loyal and gave all of yourself and then some to ensure your mom had the care she needed. Even when it was almost too much to bear. Sending you strength as i know this next while can be even more taxing with making arrangments. Then take time for yourself and do what you need to to help yourself heal. Again i am very sorry for your loss.

Jodie
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Reply by KCBJ
18 Jan 2015, 7:55 PM

Hello everyone! Thought I would just touch base as it's been a while. By the way, happy new year. Since my mother saw fit not to have life insurance, I am grateful I owned a house to take money from. Had a fabulous advisor at the bank that helped me greatly. She was kind and understanding. Had money for me immediately to pay for everything that needed to be paid for upfront. Can't say enought about her.


Since I used up all my 6 weeks vacation days, minus 2 days, I had could take off Christmas week only. I'm usually of 2-3 weeks. It was quiet and reflective. Between Sep and Dec, my youngest girl (dog) had a severe allergic reaction to something and sliced her foot including her vein. Luv those vet bills!!


The new year wasn't a great start either. Buddy, one of my other dogs, injured his back leg requiring surgery. Don't even guess at how much that will cost me at the end of this month. But I do have the best knee surgeon in the province. I'm grateful nothing wrong with the other two. (Touch wood!!)


It has been tough adjusting for both the dogs and myself. For the dogs, they were used to having someone home with them all day. For me, I now have to run home every lunch time and straight home after work to let the dogs out. Feel guilty they are alone all day, so send them periodically to daycare. It just doesn't stop.


Honestly, not much different for me, except the verbal abuse. I don't have any. I try to go out once or twice a month for dinner with friends, but that's about it. Feel so guilty dogs are alone all week, I tend to stay home. So much for freedom.


Have donated or given away the clothes. What a sicken feeling to find all the clothes and shoes my mom never wore and still have price tags on. When all was said and done there were 62 garbage bags of clothing. Still have stuff though.


Slowly going thru the house, room by room, and finding duplicates, triplicits and even quads of items like rice cookers, etc that have never been used. It is amazing the stuff we collect and put away. Think there will be a massive garage sale in the spring. Will need the money for Buddy's surgery bill. (lols)


I wish everyone well. Change can be great for people like me on one hand. But when you realize that nothing really changes except the quiet, well...


We are strong and I'm blessed that at least I got that from my mother. We will survive and push forward as best as can be.


Thank you to all your support during my past life. I more than appreciated having a place to vent.


Bye

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