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Reply by KCBJ
02 Aug 2012, 5:12 AM

Hi everyone! Well, it's is the evening of Aug 1. My mother celebrated her 98th birthday on July 30. Please don't say "isn't that wonderful!" Thought I'd give you an update on my VACATION.

My mother has generously sprayed me with her attacks since I last wrote. I swear that when she's gone, her mouth will still be spewing out her swearing in English and Ukrainian automatically.  Just like those toys that you can't turn off until the battery runs down.

I pushed back my vacation one week. So, technically, I should be off this week. Luckily, (even I can't believe I said that) I had an air ambulance being decommissioned and a video shoot to deal with on Monday. The video shoot had to be ready by thursday morning -- which it is. So no vacation this week. But yay, I get to look forward to a long weekend!!!

You're probably wondering when I'm planning on taking my vacation. I won't be!!! It will take me likely the rest of the month to transcribe the jet content and interviews, then write my stories. Perfect excuse!!

I discovered last week that I reached my limit. We now have missing housecoat and 2 pairs of shoes that she wears regularly -- all missing. I went into uncontrollable shaking. My head was shaking so bad, it even scared me. That hadn't happened before so violently. So, as a result, I decided that I will take off 1 or 2 days per week -- the middle of the week -- as vacation. My acting manager understands, thank goodness.

Yep, I know all the things you're thinking and will likely write. But, I also determined that there's no way that I can get rid of her now. I let this go on for too long and at her age, it just wouldn't be right. I've done it this long, so ...

It's funny how life is for some of us and the extremes that many of us go thru, be it a spouse looking after their loved one, etc. We do what we have to. I will survive, maybe a little (ok a lot) worse for wear, but se la vie.

Even now, I can hear my mother sneaking around the hallway doing her evening inventory. Well, that's all for now. Good nite everyone! 
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Reply by Brayden
02 Aug 2012, 1:21 PM

Dear KCBJ,
 Thank-you so much for getting back to us with your update. I am so glad for your decision to take a break two days a week. That will be a good start. I could not believe that your Mother would still be wandering around at mid-night. That is around the clock care. I am taking a one week break to go see Alberta. Thinking of you.
Brayden
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Reply by NatR
02 Aug 2012, 3:38 PM

Dear KCBJ,

I read your note and totally understand your feelings.  It does kind of emphasize to me that you are ready to break...and I am glad that you are beginning to realize that this job is more than you can handle full time.

Your mom needs to be in a facility where there are staff 24 hrs a day.  It is exhausting enough to do care with clients like your mom just for 8 hrs a day....and here you are doing it all by yourself.

My heart goes out to you...I know you want to do it all but you need to have acceptance that you cannot.  I continually have to tell myself the same thing.  My mom whom I care for and love dearly decided many years ago to remain a long distance from me.  I now have to deal with the fact that not only can I not care for her, but I cannot even visit her, talk to her on the phone...she is deaf, has no idea what a phone is...or what to say.  I totally understand your commitment to your mom...totally.

You are an exceptional daughter and a wonderful person.
Look after yourself...and realize that your mom will be okay if it is not you doing everything for her, every minute;)
Best wishes,
NatR 
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Reply by Cath1
02 Aug 2012, 4:45 PM

Dear Barb: (KCBJ):

Thanks for taking some time out to write and update us about your life. I'm really sorry to hear that your vacation plans didn't work out for you as you had planned.

I will not write what you most likely expect from me, but I have to say that I hope you will visit your doctor - soon - to discuss the shaking episode(s) as something might be going on with your own health which would not be surprising considering all the stress you have been under for such an extended length of time. Please do that one good thing for yourself. Make the time for a check-up. I'm not trying to add to your worries, but it is truly better to be safe than sorry.

I hope your new work schedule will bring you some much needed relief!

I hope you can write more one day about your career as your job sounds simply fascinating, Barb!

Know you are always in my thoughts and prayers as is your Mom. I hope there will be brighteer days ahead for you both somehow soon!          

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1

PS Brayden - I can't write to you directly, but I am wishing you the happiest time in beautiful Alberta! I'm sure you will have a wonderful time! Enjoy your well-deserved break. Though we will miss your uplifting messages it is important to take some time for yourself! You are walking the talk and I'll be following suit next week as my youngest daughter will soon be getting married!:) xo     
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Reply by KCBJ
04 Aug 2012, 12:36 AM

Hi All. Before I write anything else, Brayden have a great vacation!! I luv Alberta. Don't want to live there, but do/did like to visit.

Cath1. How exciting to be celebrating your youngest daughter's happiest day -- getting married. Wow!! Have a wonderful time.

NatR. You can visit my mother anytime you like. In fact, I'll trade you. :-) We all walk in our own shoes. I'm sorry you don't get a chance to see your mother. 

Well, I really didn't have any other choice but to not take my usual 3 weeks off at summer. I have 5 weeks to get rid of for this fiscal year and another 5 days from last. Oy!!

I do have an appt scheduled with my doctor. Yep, that convulsive shaking scared the cr*p out of me. It began last week with my 'stealing' her housecoat -- that was Monday. Tuesday, it was a pair of shoes. Wednesday, another pair of shoes. Last nite, as I had to help my mother into bed, discovered the housecoat on the bed in plain view.

Last nite I was going to write, but my mother went to bed at 10:30 pm (as friendly as ever...NOT!) and was up again at 11 pm. Then she stayed up until I went to paid at 1:30 am. I'm not sure if people realize how important a little bit of alone time and privacy (if you will) are. It is truly amazing!! How pathetic to have to go outside and sit in the gazebo just for a couple of minutes to yourself. 

Well, better get going. Thanks for being there everyone. Oh, I found something to amuse me in the evenings -- Pinterest. It's actually addictive!!

Talk to you soon. Have a great weekend -- long weekend!! Ugh!! :-) 
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Reply by Cath1
06 Aug 2012, 6:06 AM

Hi Barb (KCBJ):

I am relieved to hear that you will be visiting your doctor soon. Please let us know what comes of that visit if you can and feel comfortable to do so. I am hoping you will find the answer about why you're having these frightening episodes and that you can do something to alleviate them.

I'm sorry that things have not improved with your Mom though I am not shocked by your update. I think everyone here does realize how important it is to have the luxury of private time to oneself, and we are hoping you will realize it as well for your own sake!:-)

Thank you for your well wishes about the wedding. It's this Saturday coming and I am looking forward to witnessing my beautiful daughter's happy celebration of love with her handsome besty!:-) 

Plant hope in your garden, Barb and get out on that peaceful gazebo as often as you can. I hope you will one day be able to reap the rewards of the loyalty you've shown for your Mom!

As you continue to honour your obligations to your Mom, all rooted in love, remember I'm wishing that all the hopes and dreams you have planted in your garden will one day blossom to your great delight and will be the source of your heart's true content.    

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1       

 
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Reply by NatR
06 Aug 2012, 4:50 PM

Hi KCBJ, and assorted friends on the forum:)

Isnt this a lovely way to start the day..interacting, supporting and understanding.

I am loving being part of it all.

KCBJ, your sense of humour comes through strongly in your note, and I think its what is helping you get through this stressful time caring for your Mom.

The physical effects..the shaking...definitely showing signs of stress my dear....glad you are taking care of yourself..
Your Dr. will no doubt tell you...take more time to yourself, visit the dogs and the gazebo more often..in fact...rent a room and escape:) just kidding...but honestly you are on the right path...you are seeing whats happening to you...and that is half the battle.

I just had the most amazing chat with a supportive online friend whom I have never met...but we skyped today.  I can tell you that...here, or on Twitter, or FB or wherever...people are real, we are all going through our own stuff...some of us..like you...pretty overwhelming.

Keep in touch and know that You Do Matter...
Sending big hugs...NatR 
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Reply by KCBJ
06 Aug 2012, 7:22 PM

Hi NatR and everyone. Just a note. There is a quote from somewhere and someone: Use the pain as fuel and as a reminder of your strength. 
 
I do know what is happening to me -- physically and emotionally. I know the signs of long term depression as seen thru my own eyes and the effects of this lifestyle (such that it is) -- mainly in my girth. I fight the darkness everyday as it slowly wants to overtake and consume me. There are times I think it just may win. Then I give my head a shake and push the dark down again. Unfortunately, it's becoming a daily fight. Sometimes I win and sometimes it takes to the 9-count for me to get back up again. You and Cath help a lot. The writing lets me tell what is happening and your responses providing soothing.

There was a writer on the forum that asked how each of us deal with the thoughts that begin to overwhelm. We deal with the cards handed out to us. There is nothing that says we can't cut our losses and run. But if you haven't run by now, you're likely not going to. So you settle in for the long or short haul. I wish there was a be it all formula that we can follow to overcome. But alas...

I'm at the stage now that the affects are showing. It's like watching a soap opera. (which I hate cuz there never seems to be an end). Stay tuned for our next episode. The home care coordinator visit.

The coorindator actually is coming over tomorrow.

Ok, now I've rambled on long enough. Another affect -- losing focus. Will have to get this published one day. Maybe someone will make a movie.  :-)
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Reply by NatR
09 Aug 2012, 7:56 PM

Dear KCGB,

How are things today?

I was just reading your note from a couple of days ago.
I am wondering if you are finding any solutions that are helpful for you in the past little while.  I think that you must be ready to grasp at straws at this point...or pull out your hair.

Maybe if I share this little tiny story...it may strike a chord with you.

Many years ago...I was in a very tough situation.  I had a business that I was a partner in.  My partner was my spouse.  He was the mainstay of the business and understood it totally.  I was the wife, the mom, the fill in person to help in the business after school, after hubby had done his all day there...I was the fill in...but I didnt worry about the bills, ordering, handling the staff, or anything...just did what I wanted..and locked up the business and took the money home.

Okay, so my hubby gets sick, very sick, but no one knows.  He stops paying bills, he neglects the business, he lets everything get in such bad shape that the Bank starts calling us every week...and I keep asking...whats wrong?  Nothing was the reply/

Finally I learned that the Bank was about to come and take the business away from us...because our debt was building and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Hubby was at home on stress leave..under a doctors care...and I was stuck in the middle...not knowing what or how to carry on..but the focus was on me...I Had to do something.

So...I did it.  I cried all the way through, I was stressed, I didnt sleep...and finally I got to the point...where I was talking on the phone to a Dr. friend...who told me...
If you cant do it anymore...you dont have to./

I said..What?  He said..you dont have to...you can walk away...
It was a whole new world for me then.
I stopped and thought about what he had said.
Then I realized...that if I did walk away...we would lose everything to the bank.  If I stayed...and it was my choice...then, we might have something left after the business was sold.

So....I was Empowered...by being given the choice...to stay or walk away...but if I walked away....that there would be consequences to live with.

Can this example help you in any way?  Perhaps if you think about what you are doing...and how you have made it your choice...then it will become a bit easier.

If however...you have reached your breaking point and you cannot do more...then its time to let go...and not blame yourself.

You are a remarkable person.  Be kind to you...as well as your mom.

Sorry for going on about my own story but I felt it was an example that may help you...make a decision...about what happens next.

Whatever you do...you are among friends who will do all they can to support you with your journey and your decisions.
Sincerely wishing you some peace today.
NatR 
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Reply by KCBJ
17 Aug 2012, 12:44 AM

Hi Everyone. So, it is Aug 16. Last Tuesday, Aug 7, the home care coordinator came over. What a fisacal that was!! Actually, it wasn't going too bad until the coord told my mother she would have to go into a home...if anything happened to me. Now how clever was that!! So from Tues afternoon to Friday, I had my mother upset - big time!! First she accused me of wanting to get rid of her. Then when I think she finally understood the question (sort of), she went into another set of fits. I ended up staying home all week trying to appease her.

Honestly, it's like telling a 5 yr old they're going to be taken away if their parents die. HELLO!! Anybody in there???? 
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