Dear Barb (KCBJ):
I so understand your reticence about wanting to seek help for all the reasons you describe and more, and I agree that the finding the right fit in terms of a good counsellor may be a challenge, but it is worth trying - YOU are worth trying for!
I don't want you to ever feel embarrassed or ashamed of the feelings you share here with us - ever! Please don't think you should censor what your heart is feeling. The point of our conversations is so that you will have a place to safely unburden your hurting heart without fearing that you will be judged. I know your humour is your way of coping and also of keeping a shield of protection around you as you feel without it you may simply fall apart. You are super strong - obviously - but you are also fragile and I see it because I felt both ways myself.
I do not judge you, Barb and I do understand some of the feelings of resentment that you feel toward your Mom because I also felt resentment towards my own mother when she living and was in difficult moods that caused her to take out her own frustrations on me. I also felt very hurt and unappreciated at times and found it very difficult to mask my hurt feelings which often manifest in a simmering resentment which I knew then and know now is unhealthy if left to fester. I know also though that her challenging behaviours were not her fault, nor was it my fault that I sometimes lost patience with her and wished I could simply escape her moods in some difficult moments.
I also hated feeling like the martyr in my situation with my Mom because I genuinely feel that relationships are or should be based on mutual respect and equality even when unbalanced if you know what I mean. It was never my intention to hold power over my Mom although sometimes I did just that in my less than best moments when feeling most vulnerable and exposed to her hurtful words or behaviour. When one person is healthy and the other isn't, it just is not right to make the weaker person feel beholding or responsible for feelings they can't help. It takes a lot of positive self talk and discipline and support from others to achieve that state of loving acceptance, but with effort it can be done.
I am most proud of the fact that I succeeded more often than I failed in that respect as no one, including my Mom or yours, likes to feel they are a big burden. Love and understanding, patience and kindness helps to soften the situation and trust me when you allow yourself to express this higher and more compassionate side of yourself with your Mom, you will immediately feel better about yourself and her. It also requires a certain amount of emotional maturity and acceptance of your Mom as she is, not as you wish her to be, and that may require that you be a little more detached than is natural to you, as I had to be with my Mom at times in order to cope. I often felt that I needed to protect myself more than my Mom needed my protection but that was not true. My Mom was frail and suffering from dementia and I was learning about this disorder as we went along with very little professional guidance.
I chose to express my feelings with others I love and trust most of the time because I had the good fortune of having that kind of regular support. That makes a huge difference and it allowed me to maintain my equilibrium and to spare my mother from being subjected to my darker feelings of frustration and anger. It is not fair to express these feelings to our mothers when they have medical or psychological conditions that cause them to behave in a challenging way, but neither is it fair to continually place so much pressure and blame upon ourselves that we beat ourselves up for simply feeling helpless and out of our emotional depth at times. It's fine to feel angry and discouraged, used and put upon, as long as we don't keep feeding these feelings because feeding them only intensifies them and adds to our feelings of remorse and shame and it depletes our emotional resources.
I can tell you for certain that there is not one time when I was impatient with my aging Mom when she had dementia that I don't wish I could have been kinder. She used to call me daily, the moment I would come home from work the phone would be ringing and I was tired and I wished she would allow me just a half an hour to unwind before calling. You cannot imagine how much I wish she could phone me every day now that she is gone. I so miss her voice, her laugh, her neediness even as crazy as that sounds. I miss my mother as she was before dementia stole her ability to communicate and when I think back at the hard times with her, when her mental illness made life for her and me and my family painful, I still wish I could have her back with me. When we are immersed in trying circumstances it is so important to maintain perspective, humour and forgiveness for ourselves and those we love most.
I know that I did my best for my Mom in every situation, just as you do for your Mom, but sometimes as human beings we cannot always behave at our best or carry out our best intentions and we falter and need a hand to help us get back on the right path. The exhaustion one feels when another person is completely dependent upon them is unbelievably difficult to deal with. I did not find it easy to ask for or accept help with my Mom as I needed to feel control in a situation where I had so very little, but despite how extremely hard it was for me to accept help, after a while I did. That is a choice I don't regret because I needed the help to be the best person for my Mom when she needed me and it allowed me the space I needed to feel and to express to my Mom the deeply loving feelings I had for her and she for me.
I hope you will search out the help you need until you find the right person. I know the person is out there and that you will feel like a new woman once you meet up with whomever it is that will understand your situation and recognize that you have a huge heart that is breaking under the daily pressures of caring for and loving your Mom. You will thank yourself for doing it, Barb and your Mom will thank you too! Wouldn't that be a nice change!:)
With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1