Hey Barb (KCBJ):
It has been a month since we last heard from you and I’m wondering how you are and if your Mom and you are both doing OK? How was your Thanksgiving this year?
I celebrated with my grown kids and grandkids on the Saturday of the long weekend and we had a great dinner and lots of fun together. I had been teasing my kids in the weeks before the holiday that we should all dress up in costumes and go as pioneers for Thanksgiving. My eldest daughter thought I meant it (it wouldn’t be a far-fetched idea based on history:), and she ended up creating a very cute homemade pioneer costume. She wore an old-fashioned dress and a loose long sleeved white blousy type dress underneath and she had on an apron made from an eyelet lace pillow sham. Her long hair was braided and topped off by a simple cotton cap that she got at Value Village for 50 cents. She ended up being the only one among us sporting such a festive get-up. Her 9-year-old son was mortified when she suggested they stop at Wal-Mart along the way to my son’s house where the Thanksgiving celebration was to take place!:) No way was he willing to go out in public with his brave and creative “Pioneer Mom”. As a group, in terms of fashion, we represented a variety of eras from the 1860s to the glitzy 80s - lol.
On Monday, the actual Thanksgiving Day, a lost feeling came over me and I indulged in feeling sentimental and sad as I was missing my Mom. I made a little slide show of photos and music and I included the song by The Pretenders, “I’ll Stand By You”. Listening to the music and the lyrics brought tears as I watched the pictures of her life and ours together moving before my eyes. She had the best smile I have ever seen!
My Mom would have got such a kick out of my daughter’s costume and she loved nothing more than a big family get-together complete with a feast - she would have had dibs on the dark meat, the turkey leg was her favourite - and then we would have talked for a couple of hours after the party was over, reliving together all the little joys of the day. I miss her, still, but I feel grateful that I had her with me for so long though it was to me not long enough.
Now that my Mom is at peace I am beginning to remember more of the happy times and I dwell less on the painful last months of her life when she suffered from the confusion of dementia and had to spend time in a nursing home where she was not cared for properly despite my visiting with her daily. I am realizing too how angry I feel about how she was mistreated and neglected and how helpless I felt when trying to get her the care and attention she deserved. I am never comfortable feeling anger and when I do feel it I usually cry. I am beginning to know and accept the many coloured aspects of grief and I am realizing that anger is a part of the spectrum of sorrow.
Well, Barb, I hope you are learning to find ways to cope and to accept your situation with your Mom. I hope you don’t feel too discouraged or helpless as you try all your techniques and tricks to make life better for your Mom and for you. I wish I could have been as strong for my Mom as you are for yours and I wish my Mom never had to go to a nursing home. I know I had no better alternative in my circumstance, but wishful thinking creeps into my heart at times along with regrets!
Barb, you are not living a life on easy street, but I hope one day life will be made easier for your Mom and for you! You deserve a real break and some genuine happiness while you are still relatively young. Like me, for different reasons perhaps, you have every right to honour your feelings whatever they may be and to express the truth of your thoughts and emotions as they change and evolve. Remember that you have a safe place to share here with us!:) Thinking of you tonight and reminding you that I care about you - we all do!
With affection -hugs –xo-
Cath1