Dear Barb (KCBJ):
I feel your hope breaking like a brittle bough snapping under pressure. I understand why you are feeling alone but I promise you that you will not be abandoned by us. There is very little we can do to ease your pain and your frustration, but through our presence here and our words we can and do remind you that you are not alone and we care about you, Barb. Feeling alone has to be among the most overwhelmingly sad and lonely feelings any of us have to endure. It's crucial that you do feel the love and support from others and I wish you had more of both in your daily life.
When you ask how many many baths does one need, I understand the question. I think at your Mom's age and stage a sponge bath would suffice if it is difficult and dangerous - even with a bath chair - for her to have a tub bath. Being naked in a tub and being bathed by someone else unknown to a frail elderly person may expose feelings of vulnerability, fear and insecurity. It's so hard to see a loved one put in the position of having their sense of independence and dignity compromised with each caring act when imposed upon them against their expressed wishes. Your Mom's feelings about bathing must be respected but if you reject that offer of help, there may be no other kind of help on its way.
My Mom, long before she had to go to a nursing home, had homecare services provided to her via the local CCAC but only for bathing. Her twice a week regular visits from a PSW, referred to by my Mom as the "bath lady" were appreciated. Although at first she did not want to submit to these baths, over time she began to look forward to them as trust grew between my Mom and the bath lady whose gentle massages were invigorating and comforting to my Mom, but there was so much more practical help my Mom needed in the routine course of a day. Homecare services are not available nearly often enough to make a difference to an elderly person who is trying to maintain their independence and ability to remain living at home.
I think if you are still adamant about your Mom not going into a nursing home, you should consider that she not have access to her medications when left alone. If she can take her medications before and after work when you are home that would be ideal, but that may not be possible. I'm so sorry you don't have more homecare support that would meet your Mom's needs and yours. The pressure on families to be the unpaid healthcare workforce is tremendous though not realistic when families must continue to work out of necessity full time hours outside the home. It is a big problem and you are not alone in your situation.
I hope your Mom and you will soon get answers to what is happening to her regarding her increased confusion, pain and her medications. Mostly, I hope you will get more help for your Mom at home to give you some peace of mind while you are working. Brayden is so right when he says you have to be aggressive with the homecare administrators about demanding the help your Mom needs and deserves. If she gets more help you will also benefit.
You are never alone, Barb. I know it probably feels most days as if you are lost in a fog on an island of despair where nobody seems to see you suffering. I do. We do. We all care very much and want you to know that we see the real you through the fog and we are sailing toward you on words of compassion as we are guided by the light of your heart. Truly, you are never alone! Never forget that we are here for you. We see you. We hear you. We care.
With affection -hugs- -xo-
Cath1