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Reply by NatR

17 Oct 2013, 2:09 PM

Dear Bizzy,

my sincere sympathies to you.

your beloved is at peace and you courageously carried on through all the tough times.

now your focus is You;)
to heal, to mend, to re-focus. Tian said it correctly, the loss doesn't end your feelings, your grief.

be kind to yourself. Lean on others, and do post as you feel able.
you are not alone here.
sincerely,
NatR

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Reply by marstin

17 Oct 2013, 4:36 PM

Dear Bizzy,

My heart goes out to you. This journey has been a long and difficult one for you and now the next part of the journey begins, the grieving. There really are no words to make it easier for you but just know that we will be here at any time that you want to talk. You have been such a kind and caring person and no one could ever find fault with the dedication and love that you had for your partner. He was so fortunate to have you in his life.

As others have said, this is now your time to focus on yourself. We will stand beside you like an invisible crutch to do whatever we can to help you get through this whenever you need us.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by Tian

02 Nov 2013, 10:51 PM

Dear Bizzy

It has now been a few weeks since the sudden passing of your partner. After everything you've been through I'm wondering how you're doing.

Tian

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Reply by Bizzy

05 Nov 2013, 8:31 AM

Tian...thank you for checking in on me. Although the transition of my boyfriend was anticipated since the first day of his diagnosis it was still sudden since my impression was that he simply was going into hospital for a "tune up". I couldn't predict that he was in his last few days. I knew it could be the end process as I also knew it could be a short hospital stay. There was a zone of not knowing that I existed in. It wasn't until the last 3 days that the hospital staff said he wasn't coming back and to prepare for his dying. There were a few days of sleepless nights and a constant vigil of friend and family supporting my beautiful boyfriend, supporting me and supporting each other. It surprised me deeply. All this time I thought I was alone and when the time came family and friends swooped in and were there to support and guide me. I was and continue to be constantly blessed by the love and care of those around me. Despite all the flaws and weaknesses and problems my family had they shone through. They came through in ways that were simply remarkable. I never seen such heroism and wisdom and empathy and selflessness and concern..all because they love me.
Going through the experience, I felt it was better to hold my family and friends back from the cancer trauma to spare them. I don't know if that was a right or wrong decision but I know once my beloved had gone from life to death my family came rushing in when I opened that door.
I am doing okay. I am surprised at how well I am doing. The anticipation of his dying was far more painful and distressing than the actual event and more painful than the grieving process. Witnessing and enduring his constant suffering was the most painful experience and energy draining of all of this. Living within his pain and struggle took all my energy, all my courage, all my wisdom and even then that wasn't enough. I had to turn to others around me to find the direction and strength to keep going.
I found that direction and strength and encouragement from many sources including and expecially from this website and the people who gave me their insight and support and I thank you all...each and every single one of you for your input and patience and efforts and insight. I don't think I was an easy "case". I didn't handle my boyfriend's diagnosis with grace and dignity. Initially, I hit the wall a few times quite hard trying to escape facing his suffering and death. In the middle of the night...everyone on this website was there to lift me back up and I found the courage to keep going on despite my misguided attempts to detour what I had to face.
I have grieved repeatedly and over different issues over these last two years as our normal relationship stopped and was consumed and replaced with the cancer experience. We became caregiver and cancer patient. My life on several levels was put on hold without knowing the deadline. That was highly distressing.
As the pressure mounted I found myself becoming more vigilant, more protective of myself and of my partner. I became overly watchful of any threat. It was an extreme reaction in an extreme situation. I was feeling very vulnerable and exposed and became overly sensitized to anything that might present even as a slight criticism or a judgment or a covert mean spirited comment. I was trying to survive and protect against any threats. Its just an observation on how desperately the pressure can turn a mild mannered news reporter into a machine gun wielding magpie

I'm doing okay. I'm surprised. I'm blessed and blessed and blessed. I marvel at how much the pain has lifted. There are the uncontrollable tears at the most inopportune times and the constant unquenchable ache and unanswered questions of not having him in the physical realm. I am entirely useless when it comes to anything to do with the spiritual realm (speculating such a realm exists) so that direction leaves me simply hollow.
My main activity now is clearing through his clothes and furniture and files and finances. I've read of others on this site doing the same and it assures me that I'm on the right track...On a path that others have walked and that gives me courage and a sense of normalcy and belonging.

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Reply by Tian

05 Nov 2013, 1:53 PM

Dear Bizzy

Thanks for the update. I'm very pleased that you are doing as well as you are and that your family has come through for you is particularly heartening. I don't think there are any easy "cases"so don't be too hard on yourself. I think what sets you apart is that you are very perceptive and open about your feelings which seemed very justified to me. It looks like the worst is over but just as while your boyfriend was sick, things can still change very quickly. Your thanks for us are much appreciated. If the need arises we're still here for you. Take care.

Tian

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Reply by NatR

05 Nov 2013, 2:54 PM

Dear Bizzy,

sending ng you my thoughts today. Glad to know you are doing things one day at a time. That's all we can do.
the support and love you gave your boyfriend was such a wonderful gift. The older I get the more I realize that life is uncertain, that our connections and relationships are day to day. It's how we cope with the endings, no matter how they come, that matters.

i am glad you are taking care of yourself and moving forward from the very difficult times and of course the loss you suffered.
wishing you the best,
hugs
NatR

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

24 Nov 2013, 11:12 PM

Hi Bizzy,

I'm just sending a quick hello to let you know that I was thinking about you today. How are you doing? I realize that asking that question is easy, but can sometimes be a very loaded question. Don't feel obliged answer. Just know that someone is thinking about you today.
Colleen

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Reply by Bizzy

26 Nov 2013, 8:28 AM

Hi Colleen,

I'm doing well. I'm still so very surprised that I actually survived it and how much easier life is becoming. Having gone through the death of my child I thought that I was going to go through the same earth shattering devastation over my partner's death but its not to be. Watching him suffer, anticipating his death and going through the health system like a piece of clothing caught in a washing machine was excrutiating compared to mourning. Certainly it did a number on my self esteem and nervous system but even that's coming back as the pressure backs off. I am just so so so genuinely surprised.
There is still a lot of work to do in terms of clearning away his property and finances and final tax stuff and then setting up my own place again. Initially it was all overwhelming and I had a few panic attacks but the worst is over. Its interesting in that almost everything that I own is being cleared away and new stuff is replacing it right down to new glasses since I broke them and new clothing since I've lost 75 lbs of excess weight. I had to put my life on hold for 2 years in order to survive the experience and everything that was put on hold has to be taken care of now... and its a lot.
I no longer feel like Bobo the dancing circus bear. The extreme stress from lack of sleep, no sun, constant vigilance and relentless anguish is no longer there. Relief, freedom, hope...it all comes in waves. Confidence in myself is growing to face the uncertainty of who I am without my best friend and partner and in what my abilities are to handle what life has ahead of me.
I scaled down my life to the bare essentials since I had to use all the energy to cope with getting myself and my partner through the ordeal. Now that its over it feels so good to begin to reconnect with my family and friends and with the community. It feels so good to see the sun again and to be in a crowd and even to stand in a long line of people. To be normal again doing normal things in baby steps along with everyone else. I feel like I belong once again with society.

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Reply by Tian

26 Nov 2013, 1:13 PM

Dear Bizzy

I'm glad that you're doing well but I'm not as surprised at that as you are. You've struck me as a very dedicated individual who faces reaiity head on and takes appropriate action under extremely trying circumstances. The circumstances have now changed and you seem to be adjusting accordingly. There are bound to be difficult moments in the future but you have demonstrated to me, at least, that you have it within you to deal with it, especially now that you have more support from your friends and family. The loss of your partner is irreplacable but you've got the stuff to carry on. And as always we're still here.

Tian

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

26 Nov 2013, 2:31 PM

Fantastic Bizzy.
Tian summed up my thoughts exactly and I echo his message. Enjoy the sunshine and know that you can face and deal with things as they come. We're here whenever you want to chat about whatever.
Colleen

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