Dear Bizzy:

Your feelings of anger and resentment are complex and it is so good that first you are able to honestly acknowledge your darker side – we all have one – and second that you are allowing yourself to express these feelings candidly and courageously – to yourself, which I believe is most important and demonstrates deep insight – and to go a big step further and risk sharing your vulnerability here with us. I hope you feel completely safe to tell us how you feel – how you really feel – as the complications of your situation overwhelm you at times.

How many of us choose to suppress unsettling feelings that make us feel uncomfortable simply for the fact that we are frightened by them? Many people indeed find it impossible to own their troubling emotions and that avoidance can lead to these feelings becoming even more powerful and disturbing. When allowed to fester without expression anger and resentment can build and under intense pressure they are bound to burst forth and often at the most inopportune times and in a way that we often regret later.

To me, your anger and resentment is quite comprehensible and in the circumstances you describe, quite inevitable. Your character and your kindness are not suddenly questionable because you struggle with the dark side of yourself. Your partner has a dark side too as you well know, and he deserves understanding and compassion as well. We all struggle with feelings of fury when taken and placed without choice into hurtful and severely challenging situations in life. We need to talk about anger and resentment openly, as you have done, to find a way to expel the feelings so that we will regain a more positive perspective. Anger when turned inward can manifest into guilt and shame and we must try to resist such a temptation as it can prove destructive.

You have been searching so long for ways to cope, to actively make a difference in your partner’s health and his life, and with your every extraordinary effort you are met with frustration, indifference, lack of appreciation, impatience, denial, changing information or more complications. My goodness, you definitely do need a break to find your way back to your lighter side, but whether or not you decide to eventually break-up with your partner, I am hoping that life will soon prove kinder and allow you some much deserved breathing room so you will have some space to make important decisions in a place of peace.

You are still you, Bizzy – no matter how you are feeling, you are still light and dark and every shade in-between and you are remarkably resilient! Your light cannot be dimmed as I and others still see it shine through even when you are angry and confused and suffering. You are a light in this world! You care deeply, feel deeply and think deeply and to me these qualities show that your light will always shine on... Your light in the midst of your darkness is profoundly moving.

When you describe yourself as being perceived as the “problem child” in your situation with your partner, I think in many a family there is made a convenient target or scapegoat as the focus of all the family members’ issues. This type of deflection allows others to protect themselves from self-examination, to remain safe and shielded by denial or to unfairly place blame on the person who is willing to risk challenging things, and by doing so they avoid having to accept responsibility for their part in the family dynamics. It’s not your fault!

I understand how betrayed and bewildered you feel by your partner and his family’s response to your legitimate feelings and your expression of them. You have a lot to consider as the news keeps changing with respect to your partner’s health and his future which inescapably impacts you and yours, but I agree with Tian and hope you will agree that now is not the best time to make momentous decisions. Please keep yourself and your future uppermost in your mind along with your consideration for your partner and his future when making decisions about what you will do next. Trust yourself, Bizzy. You will find your answers within you.

With affection –hugs-xo
Cath1