Dear Bizzy:
My heart is right here with you this afternoon, as always. It’s painful to read how disappointed you feel, how utterly overwhelmed and let down. The time you write to us is of no significance. The wee hours of your morning could be daybreak in my part of the world. For many people, it is in the middle of our darkest nights when we often feel most alone and yet most centred with our thoughts and feelings. Whether we are in a place of emotional peace or in the grips of terrifying turmoil at four in the morning, it’s often in the dead of night when our need for human contact is the greatest. By taking the risk to express our genuine need for care, we may discover by the simple act of expression new life streaming into our consciousness. Although the blue skies outside our window are hidden by darkness we can sometimes see beyond it to envision a light that shines a way forward and we follow that hopeful illumination to articulate our most inspired wisdom.
Sometimes in our feelings of isolation and loneliness we are gifted with deep insights and crystalline clarity that once eluded us. When our vision is expressed in words it can lead us back to the courage we desperately need to carry on and that we had feared with our every guiding instinct was fast fading. Sometimes it is simply the most practical time of day, if not the only time, when we have to share with others what we are going through, as is often the case in your situation. 4 am or 4 pm, the time you choose to enlighten us about your own personal journey through darkness is entirely your decision. Bizzy, you are one of us! As a treasured and contributing member of Virtual Hospice, you are welcome here with us any time – day or night!
As another person who considers myself as an outsider, a person that does not easily or naturally fit in with the so-called “normal population”, I understand your sensitivity and your reaction to recent posts as you could not have described your situation better than to say you are not now part of the “normal population”. Of course you are not. You are living an alien experience in an exceptional time in your life, as is your partner. No one disputes this fact and everyone here is on your side!
None of us know precisely how everything feels for you, except for you, Bizzy, but each of us care deeply and that truth is unquestionable and absolute. Still, on a completely human and empathetic level, as people who like you have experienced the alienation of foreign-to-us feelings and situations that have at times caused us to feel unspeakably and shamelessly vulnerable, we do get it, Bizzy. Sometimes, just like you, despite our best efforts, our best intentions, it is our limitations that attract more attention than our strengths. No one here in this forum would ever intend to add to your extreme stress and cause you more hurt. As Colleen reminds you, Virtual Hospice is for you. I would go a step further and say I feel Virtual Hospice is not only for you, it is for us and it is us – all of us together! Together, we are trying to support and understand and encourage one another in the most distressing times of our lives. Sometimes we think we have lit upon the right words only to discover someone thinks we got it all wrong. It’s all good because ultimately it is the motive behind our words that shine through any and all misunderstandings and allow us the opportunity to try again.
I know I have failed many times to express my heart the way it in its purity was intended to be expressed. If only words were adequate to say what we feel when we simply sit still with the feelings in our hearts, but I find I often stumble over my own limitations, and as I notice the limitations of others, it is in the forgiveness of myself and those with whom I communicate that transforms perspective which becomes my constant consolation. Personally, I like the fact that none of us are perfect. I in my own sensitivity sometimes interpret the silence left dangling at the end of one of my posts as rejection or judgment, but after I get some sleep or a visit with my kids or a conversation with a friend, a new and stronger perspective re-emerges and I embrace it.
I hope our responses to you will give you the consolation I have found so often by remaining open to beginning again even when I have felt in moments of insecurity and defeat, a lack of energy or desire. I hope you will find a way to forgive the weaknesses you have identified and reacted to and remember that the people who listen to your heart feel it is a privilege to be with you as your partner and you continue to face so honestly the painful injustices you each experience without knowing when it will all end and fearing at the same time it all ending. We are with you, Bizzy and I hope you continue to believe it! We want to be here for you and with you. We remain here for you, as you and your partner wrestle with all the complexities of grave illness and as you express and explore your painfully personal experience with unyielding sorrow. You definitely have a safe haven here in the company of your Virtual Hospice companions, and while everything in your partner's life and yours is constantly changing, we remain united as your friends, your supporters and confidantes, your one constant amid the chaos. Bizzy, you need never worry for a moment about our reaction to yours – rest assured that you are not now nor will you ever be alone!
With affection -hugs- -xo
Cath1