well, the last few days have been so hot, that i have been really sick and unable to be with my mom, twice a day, so i have been going up from 8am to 2pm and then going home and laying down, i guess the lack of sleep, and stress, and heat, have final taken a toll on me.....
my mom is in major pain, and can't get any comfort at all, nothing seems to be giving her relief...she is telling us she is fed up, and tired of this bullshit....she says, god is so full of himself, that can't he see what he is putting her threw...
we just listen to her...and let her rank...which is what the nurses have told us to do....
i am so thankful for one of mom childhood friends, she is coming up and giving us a break in the afternoon...at least a couple times a wk...she herself is sick, but comes up....she is such a wonderful woman...
the last few days, mom has been all over the map, with massive pain, and then it seems her body is hurting, and she can't get any comfort at all, which i feel is normal, see she has been laying and in a bed for the last 2 months, since she was takin in, with renal failure......she has not sat in a chair, or walked since then....which is heart breaking in itself for me....to see, how much she would love to do so, but her body won't hold her....
when she throws up, her bowels go at the same time....this just started.....
this scares her, and we just try to comfort her....she asks us what is going to kill her, and we just don't have any answers...cause there are so many variables....
i am not mad at mom, or angry, or frustrated....i just wish, i could do more for her....and with my health issues, and my pain threshold, i just wish i do more ....but the reality is i am limited....
i wish i could have had her at home, like i did with dad, but i was unable to.....but i know in my heart i could not have cause mom is very demanding...and the nurses say the same thing that mom is very hard, and they often wonder how i looked after her for so long.....
there is so much not just mom, and her dying, but we are in a court battle from the car accident, and that could be going on for yrs, and then all the surgeries we have to endure over the next few yrs...and then with our income gone from the accident, cause we have the no fault bullshit in ontario....which means the ones that we hurt, and didn't cause this horrible accident we pay, in the long term...we are 2 yrs now, and i had to learn to walk, and now waithing hip replacement surgery and all the rehab, it just doesn't end....and then we have decisions, after moms death....as to what house we should keep....a house in town, or a house ours on the river, but our house, is a cottage, and we have alot of work, and have no laundry rm, and septic, and well, and no foundation, and we have to do alot of work with wood, and then we have that decision, or a house that is pretty much good to on...it needs some work, but has everything we need ......but we don't want to think about that,....but we can't afford both, so what do we do......we are trying to be a family, and manage so much.....all at the same time....dealing with lawyers...and nurses and doctors, and death....sometimes we are just so taxed.....we have lost my dad, in 2009, father in law 2011, grandmother in 2010, mother in law 2006, then our car accident 2010...and now mom....
for me, i just hate seeing her in so much discomfort....cause it tears my heart out...not being able to help her....when she is crying and screaming in so much pain...
we got her a person that sits with people who are palliative, and this person will sit with her in the early mornings, as she requested, but when she meet the man, she doesn't want a person there, but the person is only going to be there 2 days, that is it...just to see how it will go....but this is mom....time will tell...
moms urine is hardly at all., so, we are in a stand still, we don't know how much time she has left, and we try to do what we can....but she doesn't see that....even the nurses say and feel the emotional burder we do....
moms hands and feet are swollen, and she is developing brown specks on her hands....and her face is swollen....
her hearing is going, she can barely here...we have to yell at her now....she shakes alot, and is jittery....
when i joined on her, it was cause i needed people who understand and have went threw what i have and am still going threw....
i thank you all for listening, and that is what i need.....i am not mad, or angry, before, i was just so exhausted, cause of no me time....i am finally feeling a bit better, cause of the time out i have taken, and my much needed quality time with my hubby, and son...and our dog....and being at home....which is so nice.....
thank you for reading and responsing, and for your kind words, and advice....
take care....tell i have more time.....
good nite....