Hi all;
Just doing a update....
Things have gotten worse....
On Friday, at 8pm mom took a kidney seizure....ie: coma........
She could hardly breathe, and we thought that was it....to be honest...but she came back it seemed, and she settled down by 11pm Friday nite....
On Saturday, when we got there she seemed stressed and in alot of pain.....we got her pain undercontrol, and then she was able to sorta speak....she was asking for her mom, which has been dead for 36 yrs, the nursing staff felt that she was asking for me......
When i talked to her she knew who i was....and she keep asking me why, and was she dying, and we explained to her what was happening....and she would calm down, and then every 45 minutes like clock work she would ask the same question....and we would have to do it all over again.....
then on sunday we all noticed the change....she then didn't respond to anything....she had slipped into a coma.......
so for that last few days, have been the hardest things......is dealing with her new situation.....you know what i mean....it is so heart breaking......
so now we sit beside her holding her hand, and she clenches them so hard that she was drawing blood, and i thought while holding her hand to put faceclothes in each hand while this would allow her hands to have something in them, and she can't hurt herself...when she clenches them....
Today is Tues, and three days since the Friday seizure...ie coma state, and she is not responsive at all....there is no communication, no nothing.......we are told it could be any day now that mom will pass away...they have told that she is only a shell now, and she is gone, it is just the a matter on time that the body catches up to the brain....it is so hard, to understand......as to how to understand....
i knew things were gong to happen i just didn't think, well that is not true, i knew something was happening because she was in so much pain, and she could not eat, and if she did it would not take long before she would throw it all up.....this happened for about a wk before this happened....
and her pain was so bad, she was screaming for help....my god it was so hard and heart breaking......my hands were tied, and i was unable to help....i would have to leave the room and cry my head off in the hallway....then go back in and be strong and an ox....for her......
now she has a movement in her eye socket, and when a light comes on she opens her eyes....but there is nothing else, she shuts them again.....
there is this sound she makes when she exhails, and it is ah kind a sound her lips are closed, jaw is clenched all the time.......then there is a sound say in the room, it is like she turns her head....
and there is nothing, we just wonder about it....
It is strange we know they are right that she is mentally gone, just a body, waiting to die....
we are trying to hold it together, my hubby and i are so stressed it is unreal....
i know this might sound bad, but i have had to limit my time there since this started, on friday...
the stress has taken a toll , i couldn t stop crying and when i was there, the pain in my chest was so bad that i thought i was having a heart attack, and i had so much pain in my stomach i was unable to drink or eat, so when i was rushed out and takin to my doc in a matter of minutes because of the situration, my doc told me the best was for me to stay away....so i am to stay, untell the pain starts, which is about 2 to 3 hours....which is really hard on me....but it is my health, and there is nothing more i can do for her....when i am there, i do my best to tell her i love her...and i love her so much....i just wish i could have done more....but i have been told that i did more than anyone....and that i did the best and that i should be able to understand that it was her
time...is her time....but that i should be content with the fact that i took the best care of her for the last 6yrs and with all i did for her during this time....if i had not pushed for her transfusions, her blood tests, her appts and surgicial prodecures, and made her to them, all the while having to explain them to her....she would have been dead yrs earlier...
My hubby has been absolutely wonderful during all this...if is wasn't for him, i don't know what either mom or i would have done.....he has supported me so much and supported her by takin
care of her when i was unable....just like now he is going up at 6am and staying for 2 hours and then goin up again at 10am and staying tell 2pm and then going up with me at 6pm and staying with me tell 10pm......
i am feeling better by staying away,...it makes me feel bad, that i am not there with her during
this time....but they say she is not there, and it is fine.....
no family are going up anymore they say they cant handle seeing her like that.....so it is all falling onto my hubby and me.....i just can't believe that they would do this to her....
i understand there thinking....i feel sorry for them and her.
it will or would be nearly 3 months, since i brought her in with renal failure on may 10, 2012.
i am having a hard time, i feel so much guilt.....i know i should not....i did everything i could.....
i got the i love you, i needed...she apolized to me...more than once....i am so glad about also...
she admitted i was right for so many things....right to the fact when dad died that she should have gotten a pet to keep her company, and she admitted that i was right when i said that it was because of her sister that she didn't get it, ....that was nice to hear....even though that was yrs earlier...still it was nice....
she even apolized for the fact she should have moved in yr prior.....and that she loved living with us...and that i was right....she would be happy, she said , I was right, she was happy.....she said she enjoyed so much being with us....she said, she learned alot, i never understood what she meant...by that......they other day, i could not stand it anymore....i asked my neighbour to take out the middle lazyboy out.....so one of the sons asked where do i want it, i just said at the curb...i just could not stand to look at it anymore....mom sat on it from the day she moved in ...
she always sat on it, in between jim and me....everyday when i would get in from the hospital, i would look at it and then begin to cry....cause i would remember and miss her more....if that was possible.....
so anyways, i thought that while i could not sleep, at the moment i would take a minute
and see if talking to everyone, would ease my mind up a bit, about this situation and turn of events......both my hubby and son are snoring, and so is the dog....no surprise there....
i have not heard from my family, i am tired of texting, calling them, emailing them, and then never call me or email me....i feel as though they have forgotten about me....i am always trying to make sure all is well....with them, but no one ever checks up on me....my hubby doesn't understand them....and why they treat me the way they do....
i am always there for them, no matter what.......but i have a hard time understanding....
yes i know everyone has to grief in there own way.......
yes i know none of you know me....and cant say why....they are that way....
i am hurting and yet my mom is not dead yet, we don't know how many more days that she can hold on in this coma state......
i am trying to do little things....cause all my time has been spent taking care of her, i am trying to draw, paint, and even trying to read a book....yet my mind wonders.....but i know i need to do these in order to get in a better mental state....i miss cross stitching, and crafting....but i just never was able to with mom, it was always tam, i need, or tam can you do, or tam can you now i look at my stuff and wonder.....weird.....for 6 yrs....my gosh, i have lost myself during this....
is that possible to lose oneself.....
I also, would like to tell you all something.....my name is Tammy, and i have so appreciated all
you who haved given me so much advice, so much guidence, so much patience....and thank
you so much for listening to me....i know i am not the eases person in the world ......
but i love my mom so much....mom if you are with me watching me type this, please know i never gave up....my fingers were crossed....but i knew.....i just wish.....i know
there were a childs wish........
anyways thank you all
sincerely
Tammy