FORGIVE ME, FOR NOT WRITING SOONER......
BUT I HAVE GONE TO HELL....AND ....BACK.....
MY FAMILY, MY SON, MY HUBBY, EXTENDED FAMILY ARE DOING WELL...I MYSELF....AM NOT.....
LET ME EXPLAIN.....
MY MOTHER.....DOREEN NIEMAN.....PASSED AWAY SUNDAY, AUGUST 12, 2012, AGE 62.......
MY MOTHER WAS BROUGHT TO THE HOSPITAL BY MY HUBBY AND MYSELF ON MAY 10, 2012, AS MOST OF YOU KNOW......AFTER A LONG BATTLE....FROM ESPOGEAL VARICES....PORTAL HYPERTENSION, STOMACH LINING VARICES, NASH, INTESTIAL VARICES....CHRONIC BLEEDING, RENAL FAILURE, AND THEN FINAL HEART FAILURE, IN HER ROOM AT MARIONHILL..IN THE PALLIATIVE CARE UNIT........
SHE DIED, AT 7:30 PM SUNDAY NITE.....I WAS THERE THAT DAY, AND WELL, LISTENED TO THE MUSCUS BUILDING UP IN HER LUNGS......AND WATCHED HER BODY ACHE FOR MORE OXYGEN....THREE TIMES....AND THEN THAT WAS IT....SHE WAS GONE.....
WE CALLED FAMILY, OF COURSE IN THE END OF MOM'S LIFE THEY ALL DECIDED TO COME...
MY AUNT GWEN, UNCLE HOSS, VINCENT, AUNT JOAN, UNCLE MURRAY, UNCLE KENNY, AUNT SANDY....
WE ALL STAYED FOR ONE HOUR AFTER MOM DIED...
THEN THEY LEFT, SORRY, THEY WERE ALL GLAD SHE WAS GONE, AND AT REST AND IN PEACE, NO MORE PAIN...
MY THOUGHTS WERE HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE, HOW AM I TO GO ON......I NEVER IN MY WHOLE LIFE FELT SO ALONE, BUT THERE MY POOR HUBBY IN HIS OWN ANGUISH, DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CONSOLE ME....HE FELT SO BAD, THAT HE WAS NOT ABLE TO HELP ME....
I SAT AND CRIED, AND CRIED.....I TRIED TO HOLD IT TOGETHER AS I WALK THE LAST MILE, THE LAST TIME TO THE CAR......AS I TURNED AROUND FOR ONE LAST LOOK, AT WHERE MY MOTHER HAD SPENT HER LAST 7WKS OF LIFE....AND WONDERED WHY, HOW, AND NOW WHAT.....
NOT SURE IF ANYONE UNDERSTANDS THAT.......
YES MY MOTHER WAS IN MORE PAIN FOR SO LONG....AND NOT HER SELF FOR SO LONG....AND SO DEPRESSED BECAUSE OF HER ILLNESS, THAT SHE WANTED TO DIE, IN THE END SHE BEGGED ME FOR MORE TIME, FOR ME TO DO MORE TO MAKE HER BETTER, SHE PROMISED SHE WOULD DO WHAT I SAID.........IN THE END THERE WAS NOTHING....
MY MOTHER DID NOT LOOK LIKE HERSELF....
SHE WAS BLOATED BEYOND BELIEF....
SHE WAS A DIFFERENT COLOR....SHE WAS SO SWOLLEN, THAT LIQUID WAS COMING OUT OF HER....
2 DAYS BEFORE SHE DIED, SHE TALKED ABOUT THIS LITE...THE LITE WAS SO BRIGHT SHE COULD NOT STAND IT....
SHE DEMANDED I TURN IT OFF...
SHE SAID SHE WAS NOT READY AND DIDNT WANT TO GO
SHE BEGGED THE LIGHT TO GO AWAY....
SHE KEEP SAYING PLEASE PLEASE GO AWAY, DON'T U UNDERSTAND WHAT I SAID....I AM NOT READY, AND I DON'T CARE WHAT U SAY....
STOP THE LITE.....STOP THE LITE....
GOD THAT WAS AWFUL.....
SHE COMPLAINED OF THE BURNING IN HER BODY....
SHE WOULD SAY OH MY GOD.....I AM IN HELL.....THE FIRE IS SO STRONG........IN MY BODY.............
WHY CAN'T U HELP ME......
ALL I COULD DO IS HOLD HER HAND.....AND TALK TO HER IN A CALM VOICE....AND TRY TO RELAX HER, AND BRUSH HER HAIR BACK, AND PUT A FACE CLOTH ON HER HEAD......
IN LESS THE ONE HOUR SHE WILL BE GONE, 48 HOURS........I FEEL SO SAD, FOR THE LAST TO DAYS I HAVE DONE LITTLE BUT CRY......
TO MY HORROR, I FOUND OUT THAT MOM DOES NOT OR DID NOT PAY FOR HER CREMATION, AND THAT I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT....AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT I GET HER TAX BILL IN THE MAIL, TELL ME SHE OWES......SO AFTER HER DEATH, I AM PAYING TELL TO THE END......DON'T KNOW...
I SPENT THE DAY TO DAY GOING THREW PAPERS, FIND DOCUMENTS...............
NOT GOOD.....
IT SEEMS LIKE MY MOMS FAMILY WANT TO KNOW WHEN, WHERE, EVERYTHING WILL GO DONE....FOR HER BURIAL,,....AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE HER ASHES YET, IN FACT SHE IS NOT BEING CREMATED TELL WEDNESDAY MORNING....N I DONT GET HER ASHES TELL FRIDAY.....AND THE BURIAL WONT BE TELL NEXT WK.....ARGH...................I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE............ARGH..................IS THAT SO WRONG..................ARGH.................
I HAVE CRIED CRIED CRIED CRIED, TELL I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BLOW MY STOMACH OPEN...........ARGH.........................
I HAD SO MANY OF THE PEOPLE THAT TOOK CARE OF MOM, TELL ME I SHOUD GO INTO THE PROFESSION THEY ARE IN, CAUSE I AM SO GOOD WITH PEOPLE, AND THAT ALL THE OLD PEOPLE JUST LOVE ME.......NICE OF THEM TO SAY THAT ......
SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING AND ALL THE KINDNESS IN THE WORLD, DURING THIS TIME......I WISH I HAD FOUND YOU ALL SOONER...
TAKE CARE
TAM