Greetings to Jimmie and all who have responded to his message. For several years now, I have been caring for my elders - uncle, mother, father. My uncle has now passed away, and I continue to be present to my parents.
In February, 2012, my mother's health, which was difficult but not critical, was seen as taking a real turn for the worse. My mother was 100 years old, about to turn 101. The doctor realized that her blood pressure has seriously dropped, even while she was lying down, and she was very short of oxygen in her system. She was retaining water, and the right side of her body was badly swollen because of water retention. He said she must be moved to a nursing care floor of the residence in which she was living, and he indicated that he did not think she would live very long. This was a shock to all of us in the family, and we began to prepare, psychologically, for Mom's death. We were also pained to see her suffering. After a few weeks, Mom began to improve, and it no longer appeared that she was going to die. Others may have been through such an emotional roller-coaster. It is quite a psychological shift - first, to prepare for death of a loved one, and then to shift back to the reality that she will likely be living for some time yet.
Mom then began to enter a recurring pattern of physical, cognitive phases. She would become more physicality, cognitively active, determined to get out of bed, sure that she could walk and get to the toilet (which in fact she was no longer able to do). This was extremely stressful for us family and for staff, as she shimmied herself down in the bed, and threatened to climb out. The also became angry that we would not help her. After a day of this, we were exhausted. In this phase, she would also become more talkative, talking to persons she saw in the room, day and night. It was very difficult to know how to be present to her. Then, in this phase, she, at times, became very angry, believing others were abusing her, and speaking about abuse of the past. She would also berate my Dad for his infidelity in the past and present. My Dad would be very hurt by this, and would leave on these days feeling beaten up and exhausted. I would feel some shame at Mom's behaviour, so totally different from the woman she would be at other times. I would worry about my Dad. And I would feel exhausted and stressed. Both Dad and I would long for her to move out of this phase, and would dread it returning. The phase which followed it was exhaustion on Mom's part, and she would sleep constantly for a day or so. To be honest, we would be relieved and wish that she would remain in this state. However, her energy would gradually return, and she would, at first, be her gentle, loving, grateful self. And then she would begin to enter the first phase of cognitive, physical activity and agitation. As months of this passed, I realized what a toll it was taking on Dad and myself.
I did talk to a few persons, and this helped. I had an inspiration on how to deal with her angry outbursts: to do my best to receive them with as much calm as possible, not taking in the negative energy as well as I could, and offering it all in prayer for healing of her and us. I spoke to Dad of this, and he said he was responding in the same manner. Nevertheless, it was stressful!
I began to wonder how long we could continue with this, and remain truly loving and patient. I am a person of prayer, and I know that I could not have survived without my daily prayer for strength for myself and my father, and healing for my mother.
A few weeks ago, while I was on an extended time away of prayer and retreat, my Dad informed me that Mom had not had any "bad" days for awhile. On my return, sure enough, Mom was more peaceful, consistently present, and connected. She was the woman we knew - very perceptive, loving, grateful, generous, caring. I hoped that an inner healing had taken place. I wondered at the mystery of the cognitive process of a person of her age. We enjoyed the new possibility of communicating in meaningful ways, sharing and being understood, having real conversations. Could we be in a new place in her journey? And here she was, moving on in pretty good shape to age 102.
Today, my Dad has informed me that she is, again, struggling to get out of bed, and the staff are expressing exhaustion at keeping her safe and secure. My spirit sank. Where are we now? Am I ready to meet the reality of this new moment, and what will follow? My Dad was, understandably, anxious, and I worry again about him. He has been through so much with Mom, and he is in his 90s. I keep trying to give him respite times, and how else can I preserve and renew his energy? How do I continue to take care of myself?
I have felt through all of this frustration, exasperation, fear, anxiety, great helplessness. I was just preparing to give more time to other aspects of my life. But now I realize that I may need to return to giving generous time to my parents. The story is far from over. I will do all I can to care for my energy and spirit, and my Dad encourages me to do that. We will see where the journey goes now....
Plum1