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CarrieK-for u 
Started by Pooka
09 Jul 2012, 3:27 AM

Hi Carriek, I posted on a thread I had started and wrote you a note. My heart goes out to you because as you are going through, I feel like I am on your trail. I am so scared right now. I am at the point I don't know what to do or think. I pray for you you. I remember going through hospice with my mother over a year ago and we went the experience was great. From my experience and what you wrote, you probably know it  won't be long as he is resting peacefully. Wow, Life is so full of turns. I pray for your family and thankful that you have had time to process some of it, and you have had time to tell him everything. Did you ever reach confusion, as I am, that you see what's going on, but you don't know what to expect. I am trying not to be in denial. I have watched my husband lose weight, stop eating, now he is so weak. He can barely walk. he is on a walker, but he is so weak that his legs can barely hold him up. Now we are going through the bowel and bladder incontinence. I just don't know what to think. We will be going to the dr for the mri results.

Back to you, you are stronger than you realize and your children will do well. You are sort of prepared. When my mother passed, it was a celebration as we watched her pass from one state to another. We were all gathered around her. I was...relieved....for a lack of better words. I was tired and being my husband's only caregiver, I have never recovered. I am getting ready to go back to work. I can't leave him alone for one moment for fear that he may fall and he is just to weak. It seems like things changed overnight, but in the past he bounced back. Well, look forward to talking with you. Maybe I can share with you what my mother went through. It sounds like it won't be long,as he has gone through the delirium.  We will talk.
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Reply by Carriek
11 Jul 2012, 2:38 AM

Hi Pooka
I didnt realize this message was here... 
I feel your pain as it will be a common thread that we will forever share. This battle hurts deep within our souls. It takes hold of one's life and throws us into a tailspin. Never have I known this pain. I lost my Dad 16 yrs ago. I did take his death very badly.. however I didnt live it every day while he suffered, I think being the sole caregiver the pain is far worse... to see, to feel, to comfort, to care... every minute of every day like we have the disease.
My husband went to hospital today.. now the house seems empty without him- Im so emotional, so lonely... but yet almost feel numb...
not sure why.. no idea what this numbness is-- if its natural- this is a scary-sad-lonely place to be.
we will have to decide which spot to converse, so we can stay in touch as much as possible.
I saw where you wrote that u are getting ready to return to work, (I have been off work 8 months) who will stay with your husband? It may do u good to have some time away from him- to be your old self..let me know how that goes.
Im here for you Pooka, I hope today was a good day for you & your husband, I know you must be tired. Its alot of work and emotionally exhausting. But know that Im thinking of you.

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Reply by Pooka
12 Jul 2012, 5:31 AM

Thank you CarrieK. You are so in my thoughts. I was just about to send you a note last night when, wouldn't you know it, my husband took a great fall. His legs are so weak. We ended up in the er. I had to call an ambulance because I did not want to move him. My husband is fighting so hard. He is sort of rebelling with the decisions I am making with his health. I tell him how afraid I am of him hurting himself. Thankfully he did not break anything. Got the results from the mri; no spinal compression; but I have concerns about spinal stenosis. I think that is what is called.

I am so sorry. I know how you are feeling. I have come home by myself when my husband was in the the hospital. The feeling is cold, your thoughts seem loud, then again, the silence seems noisy. I can imagine what you are feeling. I am sitting up now, and  by now it is the 12th and our anniversary is today. We can't go anywhere because he can't walk. I almost feel like he is holding on for our youngest.  My son is with his older brother. He has been gone a month for summer vacation.
Last night when we were in the er room, my husband told me,"Baby, I am so sorry. But it won't be long. It won't be very long at all." I had no idea what to say. I don't won't to brush it off.

Let me know how things are going. I know it is hard CarrieK. I feel like we have connected and I honestly feel your pain. My husband is 43 years old. Praying your strength and peace at this time.

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Reply by Carriek
10 Sep 2012, 11:11 PM

Its been so long since I have been on here Im sorry if you have been looking for my messages. Ive been so caught up in my sadness. Im hoping that we can reconnect.
How are you? How is your husband?
Please touch base when you can.... and I promise to keep messaging you 

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Reply by Pooka
11 Sep 2012, 3:35 AM

I am so glad to hear from you. I am sort of out of touch with what's going on with you. I hope we can talk. A lot has been going on since we last spoke. I don't know if you know but my husband is on hospice. That  in itself is so devastating to my family. Have been overwhelmed, but things are getting a little better. The choice for quality of life is a blessing and a curse I feel. He stopped the treatments and is getting better, but like someone told me...he is feeling better because the treatments stopped....with that said, I know that with the cancer growing, it will eventually get worse. It is a slow death. I feel so guilty. I don't know if you have read my "Guilty" post.  So glad to hear from you. Keep in touch.
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