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What do you do when your loved one makes poor choices?

Started by Glasslady001

02 Nov 2012, 9:03 PM

My husband was diagnosed with highly vascular cancer last week. He is planning to get a tattoo tomorrow. He will not listen to reason about the impact this could have. I am so lost.

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Reply by Brayden

03 Nov 2012, 4:51 PM

Dear Glasslady001,
I have also read your other postings and can feel the emotional pain that you have encountered so quickly. It is complicated by the fact that you cannot control your husbands feelings and actions when he too is hit with such a crisis. It is difficult because nobody can totally understand his inner soul right now. Moving back with Mother right now can only make sense to him. Nat1 suggested finding someone to meet with one on one, beyound using this forum. One option would be to consider a volunteer companion thru an organization here in Wpg. that is highlighted in todays Free Press, page B2. I have been with that org. even longer than the gal written up. They also arrange for companion support for people in your situation and when your husband gets over the deniel stage, could access them to. I am currently matched with both, end of life companion and berievement companion. The number is 204-889-8525 and ask for a Program Services Coordinator. Another safe and confidential organization. My heart goes out to you.
Brayden

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Reply by NatR

03 Nov 2012, 5:33 PM

Dear Glasslady001

brayden came through with the perfect advice for you! I am grateful he has a number and support for you to draw on. He had the same view I do of you being alone and needing support on a face to face to face level.

we are real people too but removed from you by distance and confidentiality - it doesn't mean we don't care as much - it just means we aren't personally with you - and I feel strongly trust you need a face, a voice , a professional you can trust And call as needed.

like Brayden my heart goes out to you. You are so fresh into this horrific diagnosis and the accompanying grief and shock.

its important to get your feelings out and be heard. Unfortunately your husband will do things you cannot control. You have to remember that you aren't responsible for what has happened and you cannot control him. You must take care of you and your feelings.

do reach out to the local counselling personnel and let us know how that goes. In the meantime please write and vent here. we care about you.
sending you a hug and a wish that you will be able to look after your needs today, you matter too.

all of us in one way of another have come through things in life similar to you. i certainly understand about having to let go and not feel guilty.
best wishes as always
NatR

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Reply by Glasslady001

05 Nov 2012, 7:58 PM

Thank you both for your kind words.
We are going for another biopsy tomorrow and I plan to contact cancercare for their support services after that. Thank you Brayden for the other number as well. I will utilize all resources I can, as I feel like I will simply combust at any point now.

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Reply by Glasslady001

05 Nov 2012, 8:12 PM

My guilt in doing this is that, I am grief counsellor and feel I should not take up time from others who need it more...

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Reply by Tian

06 Nov 2012, 4:09 AM

Dear Glasslady001

As if the situation with your husband wasn't horrible enough now you've had the bombshell of your father's illness dropped on you. It doesn't matter if you are the best grief counsellor in the world. You need support as much as anyone. Don't be ashamed to seek it out.

I have the utmost sympathy for you.

Tian

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

21 Nov 2012, 2:49 PM

Glasslady001,

How are you doing? How is your partner and your father? Did you find support services in your community?

I know you and your family are carrying a big load down a rocky path right now. We're hear and ready to listen any time you want to talk.
Take care of yourself.
Colleen

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Reply by NatR

21 Nov 2012, 3:00 PM

Good morning Glasslady001,

I add to the others in wishing you well, hoping that you have found some community connections to support you right now.

Just wanted to add, just because you counsel others as a profession...there is absolutely nothing wrong in seeking help for yourself. Dont feel guilty, dont feel you arent deserving. If anything you deserve it more. You give yourself to others, and now you need the focus on you for this period of time.

Sending you a hug today and hope you find time to drop a line and let us know you are okay.
Thinking of you.
Remember, you cant control what others do, but you can make your own choices...and I am sure that you know you deserve and need to look after you right now.

As a caregiver I find it very hard to care for myself also...regardless of our different careers and walks in life we always want to give and give til we are down to empty.

Sending you positive energy..
NatR

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Reply by Glasslady001

22 Nov 2012, 6:03 PM

Thank you for your thoughts. I am hoping to get in touch with someone this week As we finally have the actual diagnosis.

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

23 Nov 2012, 2:42 AM

Good to hear you are getting help. How is your husband handling the diagnosis? How are you?

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