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Reply by pudding

21 Nov 2012, 4:01 AM

Thanks for the responses it has helpd greatly. The last two days have been better, am focusing on myself more, and realizing if I am exhausted I am no good for her or to anyone period. Don't think I am depressed, was really physcially tired as I have my own health issues and there are nights that she wakes up at two or three in the morning.

I think it is a great reminder during this stressful time, that talking and sharing with others is crucial as well, but is very heartbreaking to watch a parent or anyone for that matter suffer. I do try to take it one day at a time, and not focus on the negative, the last few days have been partciulary hard ones, just needed to get through the wave of emotion.

Thanks to everyone who has responded, truely appreciate your resposes, kindness and wisdom.
x pudding

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Reply by GirlWithTheBlackBeret

21 Nov 2012, 4:22 AM

Hi Pudding,

What you are feeling is normal, given your circumstances, even though everything about the situation feels anything but normal.

Try not to dwell too much on the future, since we have little or no control over it. It was heartbreaking for me to know that my mom would never meet my children (I have yet to have any still!). Before she died she did get to meet my brother’s first child and she was very happy about that. About 2 weeks after my mom died, my sister found out she was pregnant. She named her son Graham which was my Mom’s maiden name. The day after he was born, was the first time I felt sheer happiness after my mom died. I like to think her spirit it with us all the time.

Plum’s words about your love for your Mom directing your actions at this time will give you serenity in the end, resonated with me. When I was caring for my mom, I decided I would give her the best care I could because then I would have no regrets after she passed.

Stay in touch, we are happy to help,

GWTBB

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Reply by Plum1

21 Nov 2012, 3:04 PM

Dear Pudding,
I have just read your last message. It is good to hear that you are feeling better, and that you are taking more care of yourself.

Yes, you are living a most difficult and heartbreaking time. You are right that there can be nothing more painful than seeing and experiencing the suffering of a loved one - and not being able to take the suffering away. You need to keep reminding yourself, however, that your presence and love are allowing your mother to live this suffering in as peaceful a way as possible. In a mysterious way, this painful time is drawing you closer, and that is gift. As you say, you can only live it one day, or even one moment at a time. With all the emotion and intensity, that space of time is all any of you can truly handle psychologicaly. Being fully present to each moment will calm all of you, centre you, and allow you to be ready for the next moment.

I am concerned that you are not always getting the sleep you need. Do you think there is someone else who could be available to your Mom on some nights so that you could have space away where you could catch up on needed sleep. Sleep is so important!

Stay in touch. In the meantime, I hold you iand your family n an energy of love and prayer.
Plum1

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Reply by Cath1

23 Nov 2012, 8:25 PM

Dear pudding:

Just as GWTBB and Plum1 share with you their hard earned wisdom and loving guidance, I stand with them, beside you, as you courageously face the challenges in your life.

Wishing you a good weekend and I hope you will find some time to rest and reflect on the love that you and your Mom have for one another. Love is healing. I hope too that knowing we care and that you need not face everything alone will soothe your heart and give you a much needed and well deserved boost!:)

With affection -hugs- -xo-
Cath1

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Reply by Plum1

03 Dec 2012, 2:45 PM

Dear Pudding,
Just wanting to connect with you again to let you know that you are on my mind and in my heart. I am wondering how life is going, and how your Mom is these days.
I hope that you have been able to keep up some form of self-care to replenish your energies as you give so much of yourself.
I will be happy to hear from you when you have a moment and may find it helpful to connect again with Virtual Hospice.
Energies of Peace and Love,
Plum1

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Reply by pudding

06 Dec 2012, 10:18 PM

Hi Plum am doing ok, we have an Aunt visiting from abroad, she is helping out with the cooking, which takes a whole strain off of the family. Went to a follow up appointment, am not sure if the cancer or tumor has spread but a ct scan has indicated there are some further issues. Have decided to put my condo up for rent, for eight months as it has become a huge financial burden....so one weight off my shoulder...went to see my therapist, and am actually looking forward to x-mas...although things are uncertain....

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Reply by Plum1

08 Dec 2012, 7:59 PM

Hi Pudding,
It is good to hear from you again, and to know that you are doing ok. How wonderful that another relative has joined you to help with household tasks. I can imagine the relief. This will give you a bit more time to spend directly with your mother.
So sorry to hear that the ct scan how shown some further issues. This is not a simple or straightforward journey. With the uncertaintly of your mother's health, it is so important for the family to find a source of peace which is not dependent on the ups and downs of health. I am very happy that you have had a visit with your therapist. This seems to be a place where you derive strength and clarity to move ahead and to make decisions which bring you greater freedom. How wonderful that you have decided to rent out your condo and relieve yourself of some financial worry.
You mention that you are looking forward to Christmas despite uncertainty. The whole story of Christmas is about a family who were living with uncertainty and insecurity. Allow them to support you. And I hope you discover the special "gift" which will come to you and your family. Probably not the usual type of gift we associate with Christmas, but the best one for you at this time.
I continue to hold you in my heart and prayer.
Plum1

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Reply by pudding

13 Dec 2012, 8:18 PM

It is very hard to find peace right now to be honest. We ended up in ER on Sunday night, and were told there was a tumor wrapped around her intestine, and that was why she was vomiting all her food, and were also told that she would probably be only on a liquid diet, they moved her back to her original hospital which is a good hour drive from home, and then were talked to about pallative care, and lastly had an oncologist say that nothing can determine a hundred percent if it is a tumor, it could just be a kink in her system....so much stress without any real answers...so frustrating, i wish doctors would not talk to us without a clear idea, i know thats impossible...but without doing a bioposy..obviously am hoping for the best but realize her situation is still pretty grave...and feel totally connected to her health with my emotions...such a rollercoaster ride...any suggestions/advice or personal stories in dealing with this?

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Reply by Plum1

16 Dec 2012, 2:59 AM

Dear Pudding,
I can feel so much for you and your family as you ride this most recent piece of the "roller-coaster". It is very difficult not to allow your emotions to take over.

Yes, I can relate to this hospital experience. Sometimes it is important to really question the information you are being given. The last time my mother was in hospital, she began to speak of pain in her hip. Now , we had heard her say this many times and for many years as she had bad arthritis. Somehow, the story being developed by the doctors was that she had cancer in her bone, and they could not be sure where the primary site was. One doctor came along and gravely asked our family to be thinking of what degree of intervention we could accept, and what we would consider extraordinary means of keeping Mom alive. It turned out that this would not be easy as my father had quite a different view on this from my brother and myself. My brother, who is a physician, then was able to go to an internet site reserved for doctors of the hospital system in which Mom was a patient. This site indicated the tests which had been done on her, and the results. According to this information, the tests had not shown any sign of cancer. After a couple of days, my brother spoke to the doctor assigned to my mother, doctor-to-doctor, relating what he had read on internet and asking from where the notion of cancer had come. It wsa finally clarified that, in fact, there was no indication of cancer. We were just fortunate that my brother is a doctor, could gain this information, and could arrange to speak to my mother's doctor. Sometimes, the regular family member does not have information with which to challenge, or question. I think it is important to realize that it is always wise to question, to ask for further clarification, to ask for second opinions, to ask for further testing. In any case, the sense of roller-coaster simply cannot be avoided.

And waiting! Many years ago, while participating in a training program for hospital chaplains, I became acutely aware of the amount of waiting which takes place in life generally, but especially in hospitals. Waiting for test or operation results can seem unbearable. More and more the use of Mindfulness and Mindfulness meditation are being recommended for emotional and mental health. I fully understand why. The moment-to-moment living, the practice of noticing feelings rather than being taken over by feelings, the calm which comes from focus on the breath, are real gifts. You may wish to speak to your therapist about this.

I hope you can still manage to do what you can to be gentle and compassionate with yourself, doing what is possible for your own spirit. I am sending you healing and peace energy as I write this.

And I hope you, and your family can find ways to create intimate, loving moments with your mother. If her time with you is growing shorter, these are the moments which are most precious and will always be what you treasure. Sometimes, we can get so caught up in anxiety, that we do not make space for such moments.

My heart and thoughts are with you, Pudding.
Plum1

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

08 Feb 2013, 6:52 PM

Dear Pudding,

It has been such a long time since we've heard from you. As I've confessed on other threads, I worry like a mother hen when a thread goes silent. I'm sure a lot has happened over the past weeks. Please don't feel obliged to write a long message, but it would be nice to get a little note to hear how you are.

More importantly, I want to let you know that we are here any time should you want a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear.

Take care
Colleen

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