There are moments in this grieving process and healing you face something so painful that you recoil in horror at all your hard work and question the reality of the memory you’ve built.
I’ve been trying to meet people and get out from under my shelf though I am not suffering from being alone. Loneliness is not the predominant emotion in my life. If anything I would say the difficulty I face is trying to find my place in the world both professionally and personally, to do something with my life and be something or someone to others. So this weekend I had a small dinner party for a friend and her husband as well as someone I’ve been dating. The dating thing is not all that serious on my part. As my friend said to me today she can see I am not into her but she is into me. But what can be said is I am trying. So far so good but I still miss Donna.
During this conversation the fact that Donna and I were sometimes difficult to be around. In fact it is more to the point she had a very strong personality and was not universally loved. I loved her and saw her truth. But to hear someone say her husband who I like and is a sweet sweet guy tell her that while Donna was alive he didn’t want to be around her or me. This makes me wonder in all the grieving I have been doing and trying to, I guess, rehab Donna’s image is just that not real but a public relations argument. I doubt my motivation and myself and am angry with myself for loving Donna. Not sure that last statement is valid. I was there I cared and tried to make her life better in the face of her knowing her death was coming. Don’t know if this post is about me or Donna or what the hell it is all I know is that I am devastated and don't want to face another day.
Sorry to sound like a looser.