Dear Nicole,
As mentioned to you by the moderator of this site, you have entered a community who will care for you and walk with you through these very difficult and painful times. How beautiful that the first person to respond to you, Liticia, is another person who has recently lost a loved one to the same illness. Sharing with others you can trust, and being supported by someone who really knows what you are feeling, are gifts to be treasured. And I am sure you are already experiencing this.
Though I cannot offer personal experience of this form of cancer, I have accompanied persons who are dying, as well as their families. Please know that I can empathize with your desperate sense of loss, unfairness, and helplessness. Your love for your mother is very strong, so strong that you are ready to let go so that she does not need to suffer further. Your family is facing such difficult decisions, decisions none of us ever would wish to face. It is only the strength of love which can allow you to take one moment at a time.
Liticia, I am deeply touched by your urging Nicole to focus on her relationship with her mother, to tell her that she loves her. With little time remaining, it is the quality of the time together which is the priority. As sad and as painful as this time may be, I am sure that it will hold many precious gifts for all.
Nicole, does your family consist of you, your sister and your father? How are you able to support each other? Is there a larger support network around you? Your reaching out to this online network suggests that you recognize your need for others to be with you. That is wonderful! Yes, it is critical to have others with whom you can be vulnerable, sharing whatever feelings come up within you. Know that you can be fully open and transparent here.
I am wondering whether you are experiencing the hospital staff as supportive as you need. Are they sharing adequate information with your family? Are they open to your questions? to your feelings?
You mentioned that you do not know how you will be able to cope without your mother who has been such a presence, a mentor, and a strength. When you do actually face that time, we will still be here for you, walking with you through your grief. It appears that this journey has already revealed to you how strong you are in facing the reality of your mother;s dying, in being ready to accept her choice to discontinue chemo, in discovering that your love for her is enabling you to let go. When the time comes, you will no doubt deal with your loss with the same grace. Not easy!! - but possible with the support of those around you, and all that you carry within from your 30 years of life.
But right now, you can only be where you are in this moment with your mother. I hope and pray that you can enter it with your whole being. Be gentle with yourself. And let love carry you.
Is there anything in particular you would like from us? Know that I hold you in my heart and prayer.
Plum1