My heart breaks just listening to your story lilbear and it brings back the memories of so many of the things that went on when my husband Len came home for his final days. First off he made the hospital promise that they wouldn't send him home until his medication was adjusted and he could think clearly as he had many financial matters to take care of at home. They set him free on a weekend without fulfilling that promise. I must admit that most of the nurses that came to our home were pretty sensitive to the situation. Our main nurse was incredible but when he went on holidays for a week, all hell broke loose. The home care people kept cancelling and one that they sent thought he was in the cheerleading section and traumatized poor Len. I can still hear Len begging me to get rid of this guy but I felt so powerless to do it. In hindsight I would have taken charge and sent the guy on his way but I was feeling very powerless. I had to learn to clean him and change his diaper and drain his bag. The doctor came to the house twice in the time that our nurse was away. The first time she pushed for him to sign the DNR and was annoyed that he wouldn't. He went into a depression for two days after that. The next time she came, she felt the need to point out that he was close to dying and pushed really hard for that stupid paper to be signed. He blew up and told her off. The nurse just sat there staring at the ground. Long story short, I threw the doctor out. Len went to bed after that and never got up again. When our regular nurse came back a day or so later, he was shocked at the dramatic change in Len. On July 15th we were due to be legally married after over 23 years together. He passed away early that morning. Our nurse was so devastated as he was going to come and dress Len for the occasion.
The reason I share this with you is that the health care system is filled with people genuinely focused on caring for the gravely ill but there are also many that should never be allowed to work in that field. In my mind, they should have to go through a test on a yearly basis. Len's home care doctor would have failed the sensitivity test and in my mind she accelerated his decline and ultimately his death.
Your poor mom and you. The guilt and feelings of being incapable should never have happened. They are the professionals not the family members. I was always my mom's voice in so many matters so I can imagine how enraged you were by their coldness and judgement. The family is so vulnerable and so broken already from this illness and to be berated by people who are being paid as caregivers is unforgivable.
As difficult as it is to have had to place your dad back into care, for yours and your mom's peace of mind it is probably the best. He will be well cared for and the two of you will be able breath a little easier.
We are here for you on this site any time you want to vent. It has brought me many moments of calm when I feel like I just can't move another step forward.
Hugs to you,
Tracie