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Reply by NatR

20 Jan 2013, 11:44 PM

Dear Andreadzel,

I am so sorry for your sudden loss...so quickly...too quickly for you to process, and the passing of your grandfather so recently also.

What Tian said to you is good advice...feel free to keep writing when things overwhelm you.

All I can say to you in the sudden loss of your mother is that...happening quickly definitely would have lessened her suffering...and yours as you watched over her. None of it is easy, there is no best way to leave this earth..but I hope that you will be able to really believe that you did the very best thing for your mom...her comfort, easing her pain...being there...you did the very best you could...never feel that you didnt.

Its harder to lose that feeling of guilt that you should have done this or that...or more...but you did what you felt was best...so just try and remember that...

I send you my sympathies this evening...and hope that you can finally rest..as your mother is now at peace.
Best wishes..
NatR

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

21 Jan 2013, 1:44 AM

Dear andreadzel,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us. I've been thinking of you since you first posted and hoping that you received our messages and thoughts. Your story sends me feelings of love and hope. The love that surrounded your mother as she left this world. And the hope, I'm not sure if that is really the right word, but it is the one that came to my mind. Hope I suppose that my loved ones will also go in such peace surrounded by those who love them.

There are uncanny parallels between your journey with your mom and SeaGlass's with her grandmother, including that you both joined our community within days of one another and shared your sad, yet peaceful, news today.

As NatR and Tian have said, we are here for you should you need us in the days, weeks and months to come. Grief takes as long as it takes. There are many on the Virtual Hospice community to support you along the way.
My sincere condolences.
Colleen

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Reply by GirlWithTheBlackBeret

21 Jan 2013, 5:25 PM

Hello andreadzel, my condolences to you and your family on the loss of your grandfather and mother. I’m sure your mother found comfort in being surrounded by loved ones (from near and far) in her final days. You’ve been through so much in the last month and I imagine it’s been hard to mentally process everything.

My Mom was in treatment for a few months and then they told us there was nothing further they could do for her. From the time they told us that and her dying, it was about two weeks. At the time, I remember saying to a friend “I’m torn between wanting my Mom to keep on living because I’m not ready to lose her and hoping the end comes swiftly so that she is not in pain”.

Looking back, I’m relieved things went quickly. I have heard stories from others whose loved ones lingered for an extended period of time before dying. I did not want my mother to suffer any more than she had.

If I have any advice to offer, it would be to keep repeating your mantra of “she’s not in pain now”, it will help you heal in the long run.

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Reply by ShiningStar

21 Jan 2013, 11:28 PM

Dear Andreadzel,

It is so sad to hear about your mom's death. My condolences and sympathy go out for you and especially for your dad who is now grieving two mayor losses.

Your mom was really blessed for having you by her side comforting her and loving her as much as she needed.

You are right she is not in pain anymore and you are not seeing her suffer, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you, and you have all the right to feel however you feel.

Grief is a journey and it just started for you, but you are not alone! Please don't hesitate to reach out. There is a lot of support here on Virtual Hospice and in the community as well. I don't know where you live but I am sure there are support groups in your community, it is always so nice to be able to meet and share with other people who are in the same journey. This can be helpful for you and also your dad, or anyone in your family who might benefit from it.

Wishing you the best in your journey,

ShiningStar

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Reply by SeaGlass81

21 Jan 2013, 11:52 PM

Hello Andreadzel,

My sincerest condolences for the loss of your mother; I am sending positive thoughts, light and strength to you and your family.

Colleen (the moderator) connected me to your story yesterday; she felt it was something that could help me. You see, I lost my dear Grandma to lung cancer on Sat, Jan 19 - she was diagnosed at Christmas and her passing, like your mother's, came faster than any of us could imagine, understand or process. I send you a big virtual hug for what you have had to face; in my own way, I understand what you might be feeling but of course, I can never fully know what you're feeling as we are all different.

My Grandma was my rock; she was my surrogate parent. Being raised by a young, single mom, she became the stability in the lives of me and my cousins. For me, it was as simple and obvious equation: GRANDA = SAFETY and as I grew, she became my sounding board, my teacher and my best friend.

What you describe in your mother's final days sounds very similar to my Grandma's as well - she too was surrounded by family and love. I hope that being there, surrounded by the people that you love and who love her, provided you with strength and courage when the time came - just as I'm sure it did for your mother. She sounds like a very lucky, courageous and loved woman and by the sounds of it, she knew it right up until that moment...and will forever.

I hope that today is good day for you; I hope that the people who you care about and who knew your mother are providing you with the energy and support that you need; I hope that you are talking to your mother with love and support still - she is right there with you, just as I know my Grandma is now, too.

Please feel free to write me if you want to talk anytime - my heart and my thoughts are with you.

With strength, courage and gratitude,
SeaGlass

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

08 Feb 2013, 11:15 PM

Dear SeaGlass81 and Andreadzel,

I've been thinking about both of you these past few weeks. It is not easy to return to the daily routine and I just want you to know that we are here to listen and share with you as you work through your grief and living as your mother and grandmother would want you to do.

Take care,

Colleen

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Reply by Plum1

09 Feb 2013, 2:58 AM

Dear Andreadzel and SeaGlassB1,
I have not been able to attend to the forum for awhile due to my life's obligatins, but am deeply saddened to hear of the deaths of your dear ones very recently. Please know that my heart is with both of you.

There is so much mystery at the sudden and unexpected passing of one we love. Taking it all in will be a process. And I hope that you will have companions to walk with you in person. While we here at the forum cannot be there in person, we feel such a heart-connection. If and when you wish to communicate again, please let us know of how you are coping.

At the beginning of January, the doctor thought that my mother was dying, and my father, brother and I began to prepare ourselves, as best we could, for this. My father and I kept daily vigil. As it turned out, my mother recovered, surprising all the healthcare staff. However, my facing her death, as we did about a year ago, allows me to know some of what you are feeling. Your loss is very profound, and the aching hole will need gentle healing. Please know that I am with you in spiirt and prayer.

Plum1

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Reply by andreadzel

12 Feb 2013, 12:32 AM

Thanks for the support everyone. My family is slowly getting to "normal" life. Whatever is normal now I am not sure. Trying to plan Easter with my family is difficult this year to say the least. My Granmother does not want to have a family dinner this year after losing her husband (my grandfather) on 01 Jan 13, and then her daughter in law ( my mom) on 18 Jan 13. I was even unsure if my dad wanted me coming down for that weekend as I was unsure if he wanted a house full of kids. He is actually taking it better then I thought. He wants us all to visit, as he says the house is way too quiet.

Thanks for the reply SeaGlass81. Sorry I have not been on for awhile as I was trying to come to turns with my grief. I am so sorry for you having to go through this the same way I did. It is a huge shock to the system. Everything just seemed to come on so fast. I understand about your Granmother being your rock, as that is how my mom was to me. I still find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call her when I have had a bad day at work or if the kids are just driving me around the bend. She was my sounding board, the person I could vent to and cry to. I am wondering if it gets easier, as sometimes, I still feel like I want to break down and cry. It's like the tears are always right at the surface.

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Reply by NatR

12 Feb 2013, 1:13 AM

Dear Seaglass81 and Dear Andreadzel.

You both are writing about your grief, you both are dealing with a lot.

All I can say is that there are people who care and will listen if you wish to write your feelings out like you did today Andreadzel.

When emotions run high it is so easy to dissolve into tears...there is no easy answer...just to keep talking, typing, and leaning on your real life friends and family and your online support networks.

Getting together for the usual holidays like Easter when you have lost more than one family member is going to be hard. Perhaps though..you will all gather and remember your grandfather, your mother, and in some way be able to remember the good times, the times you shared..something funny they said or did.

It is very hard...I am certainly not trying to diminish your feelings..or tell you its time to feel better. I have also lost family members and I recall being hit with grief like a baseball bat...out of the blue...when I really thought I was doing okay.

Its a very hard time for anyone who has lost a loved one...the months after...even the years after...but I do hope that somehow you will be able to carry on...for the others in your family who need you too.

Sending you a hug...something we all can use a few more of...and hope that this night you will feel that you have been heard..
Best wishes,
NatR

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Reply by Plum1

12 Feb 2013, 11:28 PM

Dear Andreadzel,
It is wonderful that you are reaching out and sharing your feelings of grief. They are stil raw, and the tears are bound to be close for quite awhile. It will get easier, but the journey there has many ups and downs. Please be gentle and patient with yourself and the others in your family who are grieving. And I encourage you to keep sharing here where you will be understood just as you are.

Yes, with Easter coming so quickly after your losses, it is impossible to imagine celebrating as you would have in the past. Perhaps just simple presence to each other will be what is most meaningful in the end. Trust that as you come together quietly, you will sense what is most healing. It may be to share stories and memories; it may just be to hold each other; it may be to share tears.

Do stay in touch with us in the days leading up to Easter.

Sending you love and peace,
Plum1

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