Hi Lori,
i am not sure what I can say to make this all easier. It is an individual process - grief, loss.
I do worry that you are still struggling so much - and I do hope you can find a way to handle the sadness.
i want to suggest that you try speaking to your Dr. and try a different medication. Personally I have tried 2 or 3 meds before finding the one that helped me cope.
I know holidays and special dates like birthdays and Mother's Day - bring it all home. Personally this month, April, is the month of my moms birthday. She passed away a month after her 89th birthday.
i still struggle with the guilt of not being near her ( she lived in Alberta, I lived in Ontario)
as a caregiver, and retired support worker in long term care...it just upset me no end - that I couldn't be there for her.
The last time I was with her was a year before she passed away. Tears rolled down her cheeks although she couldn't talk. She knew I was leaving her to go home to my obligations and there was no way around it.
i always feel I let her down. There is no way to wipe that from my mind.
So in some ways, I do understand a little - I get it.
i just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
i do hope it helps
take life one day at a time and try not to feel guilt for still being here while she is gone. it occurs to me that somehow we do carry guilt around...why them, why not me?
Life plays out, we have our path, and I know your mom would want you to find a bit of peace, some place of rest For yourself.
i hope that something I said will help you feel a tiny bit better.
sending you my thoughts,
NatR