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Reply by debbied2007

13 Oct 2013, 10:06 AM

hi traciebugs...sorry...i'm really not myself these days, Really lost right now. I will send you a message once i am more focused. Deb

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Reply by debbied2007

13 Oct 2013, 10:10 AM

Hi Tracie Bugs....I thought I replied. but it didn't go through,.. I'm ok, i'm tired and i will respond once i'm up and at her. sorry!!! DEB

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Reply by debbied2007

16 Oct 2013, 9:45 PM

Hi Tracie,

Whew!!! It’s been awhile since we’ve “chatted”. I finally had a chance to read your last two postings and respond! It’s been a trying October, but as usual we got through it ok!

My luncheon with my girls went great – we talked, laughed and caught up. The ultra-sound shows I’m going to have another granddaughter. I’m elated! I keep asking my girls to name one of their babies after me…but no…geesh, you would think they knew my name meant strength, woman of strength, love, compassion…LOL.

In your second to last posting you mentioned you had a tiff with your youngest – I hope it all turned out well. I know we had discussions before about our children – I know I shake my head at mine every now and then, then think back to when I was young and decisions I’ve made…heehee! BUT, they still can be frustrating and definitely trying at times! Did your oldest help you out as promised?

Wow, when it rains it sure pours hey! I’m waiting for that day when it pours you all the money you are owed, as opposed to the added expenses of the washer/dryer and car. Did your youngest get a car yet? It sounds like your girls are on the right path towards a great career…education is always the best path! I keep drilling that in my kiddies head and for the most part, ¾, have followed through with education. My youngest is also pursuing the psychology program; she wants a better understanding of her disease, and she wants to be a social worker…I ASK WHY!!! I guess if it is something she wants, then I will support her however I can. You must be very proud of yourself, give yourself a pat on the back – it would have been so easy for your girls to drop out of school, rather than continue; but because they have such great values and ethics, they chose to continue in spite of what they have gone through. A huge smile for you, and congratulations!

My mom didn’t come and visit…however, that was a good thing…imagine that!!!! Don is getting stronger, however, I’m not too sure of the strength he has is sufficient. He has a pre-op on Thursday, so they should tell him then if he is strong enough to go through with this surgery!

I know it’s hard to take that step forward to get on anti-depressants; you do what you have to do…stay on them, or get off them. Having to have a clear mind to get through what has happened over the last year probably saved you from going on them. At this point, your decision will be yours to make. You know your body and mind better than anyone else.

OMG, is all I can say about your lawyer! What a &*$*%&*#&$*…sorry for such harsh language. I still can’t believe you haven’t received the settlement. Have you called his agency lately? What does your useless brother say? …AND don’t get me started with the brother…wait, let me calm down here J How’s that!? I hope things turn around soon Tracy, if not for the stressful situation in, then at least for your health.

Well, what’s been going on in my life? At this point, I really couldn’t tell you. All I know is each day for the last two weeks, I’ve encountered some form of stress in multitudes or another! My dear friend, this ol’ gal is now in full blown menopause! That’s been quite a shock to my body, mind, and life! I eat everything in my line of sight; overheat like crazy; go psycho on hubby and then bawl because of my bad behaviour. I talk with people, and cannot remember the simplest of words, or just stop in mid-sentence because I cannot remember what I was talking about. I quit exercising, because I’m tired all the time, and have no motivation to run (why run, I’m just old…type of attitude). It’s been a very depressing time. When I went to see my doctor, she talked about putting me on meds (to control my hormones). At this point, it’s too early so I declined. My blood pressure is through the roof again, so I’m back to seeing her once a month L. I don’t know Tracie…as I put my hands over my face and rub my eyes.

How was your Thanksgiving? Did you have a dinner, get invited out to dinner? Ours was really really quiet! Our granddaughter went out of town to meet her grandparents up north (on her father’s side); she was gone from Friday to Monday; our daughter, who lives with us, spent the weekend at her beau’s; so I invited a very good friend and my niece over for dinner. I just cooked a chicken with all the fixings; we didn't have any leftovers, which is quite different from the past. Our past dinners included 12-25 people; with a huge turkey, 3-4 salads, 3 sides and at least 3 different vegetables. It was good to spend time with my niece, she’s so quiet and reserved; kinda reminds me of me when I was her age (but I was shy, she isn’t). My good friend stayed over until around 9 pm, which was great, because I’ve been so lonely lately.

It seems I’m always alone now! Granddaughter and daughter have a life of their own (along with all my daughters and their children/families); so in the evening, I would put my granddaughter to bed; daughter will go out for the night; Don is in bed early and I am in the living room watching my shows or cleaning. Unfortunately, there are very few shows on TV that we watch together, different tastes, so he’s watching TV upstairs and me in the living room. That was one of the issues too, just being so lonely, but not being able to do anything about it. If I want to go out, then it’s a short outing. My poor hubby, he can’t even go out! I visited with a friend from Vancouver on Saturday, from 10:30am-1:30pm and it was so good to be talking with someone who knew just me; the conversation didn’t focus on Don…it was about just my friend and I. I actually cried when he asked how was I doing? I will take myself out to dinner at least once a week – I just go to BP’s, because I feel safe there, order my dinner and a glass of wine. Just before I’m done dinner, I will order Don’s dinner. I tell him I’m eating at the restaurant, and he totally understands. I so would love to join a support group, but can’t take time away from him; plus I’m in bed by 9 now!!!! That drives me crazy too. I go to bed early, just totally exhausted and not able to stay up any longer; then I am up at 2 or 3am!!!! Wide awake!!! So you can see, my minds been in a turmoil and my body’s been acting up too…LOL…I know this isn’t for much longer. I think it is the long dark nights that are affecting me this way…plus the menopause and being alone.

I was going through some papers and came across a few names of friends who have discontinued their communication with me since this all began. It’s really quite strange that some very good friends/family would even consider doing this – I know we had this conversation before; but there was something in your last posting that reminded me of this; I think it had to do with your step-daughter and niece and brother. I hope someday they all realize how much pain they’ve caused us. It would be so nice, if someone just drops by, whether by phone, knock on the door, email, text, anything, just to say, hey! How are you doing? I’ve just realized how important this is and perhaps I’ve caused pain to others. I hope I never do that again! A few weeks ago, I received a FB message, from a good friend, asking me what was my landline number. So I gave it to her, she called; she was just down the street and wanted to visit. That just made my day! So in return, I invited her for thanksgiving dinner, and she accepted. It’s the little things that people do (or we do) that puts a smile on our face or someone else’s face that brings such joy to our hearts.

I’ve also been sick with the flu/cold since Thursday, so that’s been a bit of a damper. I still get up and cook for Don; still get him his snacks and drinks, without complaint :) . Well, on that note, I will end my long posting. Take care my dear friend, I do apologize for the delay in responding, but I am now a happy camper, because I’ve responded. This gives me such pleasure to give and receive our postings. Take care of yourself, and please let me know how you are doing through all this stress you’ve been under. Great big hugs, smiles and also, sunshine,

Deb

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Reply by NatR

16 Oct 2013, 9:57 PM

Dear Deb and Dear Tracie,

I wanted to comment on your great notes back and forth to each other. It's so nice to see the friendship, support and encouragement happening.

just in case you didn't think we weren't paying attention, we are, well I am;)

you mention people - friends etc who drop off the earth and no longer communicate. That happens, unfortunately.

but in the long run, it's their loss. You are such good examples of caregivers, partners, nice people.

i just wanted you to know that I peek in and am warmed by your shared stories.
carry on - hugs!

sincerely,
NatR

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Reply by marstin

17 Oct 2013, 12:17 AM

Hi,

Thank you NatR! I sometimes think we share too much but then I think well, it's raw, it's real, it's pain that not only comes from being caregivers (past or present) but also life's lessons. What a relief it is to share with such understanding people.

What's with those girl's of yours Deb? They should realize that you are all of the things that your name means and they should gladly pass it on to one of their daughters. Lol! I doubt that my daughters will ever give one of their children my name. The youngest has my middle name and hates it. I always tell her that she has her dad to blame for that. I truly did not want to saddle my kids with it but he said I had to choose either my first name or the middle. Pushy guy. Of course they may not have to worry, their dad came from a family of 5 boys sooo.

Oh menopause. It is such a wonderful thing. I went through it quite early. I had struggled with cervical cancer in my late 20's and had a small surgery to try to head it off but then was told I probably wouldn't be able to carry a baby full term. I've always been one to say 'watch me' and went on to have my girls. After the second one was born they determined that it was time to give me a hysterectomy. So began the mood swings, anxiety, depression. I don't know how many times that Len had to run me to emergency because I thought I was having another heart attack due to my heart beating out of control. That poor man had to put up with me not wanting him to touch me at all. He took it quite personally no matter how hard I tried to explain that it wasn't him at all. I did manage to not deal too much with the hot flashes but that was about it. It seems so unfair that a woman has to go through all of this.

My youngest has many things to learn in life. She can be the softest, gentlest creature on the planet then suddenly will snarl at me. I think she can hurt me the most because it's usually so unexpected. Guilt usually bites her in the butt afterwards but by then the damage has been done. Today she was stressing about money for school, short work hours and car insurance and very bitter about being so broke. Me telling her that I understood how rough it was since I was struggling to pay our mortgage and the bills, really didn't help much. I keep selling things on craigslist and I think it annoys her that I'm making money and she isn't. She doesn't get it that the money is keeping the lights on and food in her belly. She was so used to her dad or grandma (usually grandma) bailing her out when she got into a financial jam that this has been a real eye opener for her. There's not much I can do to help her so she'll have to work it out. At least she has a roof over her head. Yes, she did get a new car and absolutely loves it. I'm relieved that she isn't driving that piece of garbage that kept stalling on her. My girls had so much guidance growing up by having 2 grandparents that were a huge part of their lives, a dad that adored them and a mom that pushed them to be independant and strong. I think all of this combined helped mold them into the strong young women they are today.

It sounds like you had a great Thanksgiving. Ours was good too. We went to my nephew's and my brother and his wife came, and my nephew's stepdad and his wife were there too. My niece never came and we never questioned where she was. I didn't really get a chance to talk to my brother at all but I have to admit that he looks really unwell. He's gotten very thin and was quite quiet. His wife was talking quietly to one of the ladies that was there about him but I couldn't quite hear what she was saying. I know she kept glancing in my direction. I wish people would quit being such idiots. If there's something going on with him I would think someone would at least let me know instead of always being so secretive. Sheesh! The only ones in the family that seem to accept us for who we are is my nephew and his wife. She has told me that I should come out and spend a few days there to have a break from things. I asked my nephew if he would be the executor of my will and he seemed quite honored that I would ask him. It's one of those things that you don't think of and when you have no one to turn to, it becomes huge. I really didn't want to put that load on my oldest.

I so understand the loneliness that you talk about. I spend so much time on my own. The girls made a joke the other day at dinner about how I go out and talk to complete strangers. I said that it sure beat talking to myself 24 hours a day. I wish that I knew some people to just go have coffee with once in awhile to talke the loneliness away. My niece sent me a text yesterday to see if I went to the family dinner and I said yes, it was great. She said that she had 13 people come over to her place. I didn't hear our phone ringing. She has just walked away from us totally. She put a status on facebook today about how her life is now a fairy tale and for those struggling, all they have to do is believe and things will get better. Yup, sounds like her. I guess that she has walked away from her struggling aunt to live in the land of make believe. One of my friends from Vernon said, 'Has she forgotten how much you have done for her over the years?'. I said 'Apparently'. Out of all the people that have let me down, this is the one that hurts the most. Our relationship will never be the same even if she does decide to step back into our lives. She built the support system then just disappeared without a thought as to what would happen. Ouch!

Going to my support group is a good thing but I have to admit that with it being bi-weekly, it's just not enough. On my sleepless nights I roam the internet looking for something more. I'm surprised at the fact that there is nothing around. I have even looked in the local paper thinking, well if they have AA groups there should be a widow and widowers group too other than what is put on by the hospice society but there isn't. There must be an awful lot of lonely, broken people out there that just want to spend time with others going through things like this. There are groups for over 65 or ones for young widows but somehow the middle of the road ones got lost. It's very isolating when you have nowhere to turn. If I was in a better position to do it, I would start one of my own.

Some friends of ours (Len's AA sponsor and his wife) were coming into town from Alberta last week and the wife promised that they would come by and see us. She sent me a message a few days ago and apologized for not finding the time to drop in or call and that maybe next time they would get by. You are right about people not realizing the pain they cause and like you, I'm sure I've done it before to others without thinking. I was so looking forward to having some adult company. I really hope that by the time this journey ends, that I won't be so bitter and angry by people's insensitivity. I truly do not trust anyone anymore.

Well, enough of my grumbling. I was just so excited to hear from you and I went into babble-on mode. Lol!

Oh man, the dog is whining at me so I guess I'd better go and avoid a mess on the floor.

Hope to hear from you again soon

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by debbied2007

19 Oct 2013, 1:19 AM

Awwwe, NATR, thank you for your very kind words. I have to admit I feel very blessed Tracie had responded to my original posting. I re-read the original posting every now and then just to get a sense of what I was feeling and going through! I know I was touched by your words of kindness, especially about the "fairy" and using your wand to take away the pain! That was heartfelt and I use it every now and then...hope you don't mind! Because that is exactly how I feel when I read some postings.

I know the loss is at the expense of a friendship, but it still hurts. Especially, for those I've been there for!!!! I've walked with them during their darkest moments and when I was experiencing mine, they were no where to be seen...that really hurt and created a lot of negative energy. I'd like to say I'm over it, but the pain is still there...and now I have the whole community of CVH, which at times, is more than enough. Especially marstin!

I'm glad you peek in on us every now and then. I always wonder who reads this long posting and who keeps up to date with it. Lol. It is a very long posting. I too, like Tracie, wonder if we share too much and wonder if we should go to another form of communication, but get over it quickly. As long as we aren't breaking any rules, then I'm ok to keep posting here. Take care, NatR. Keep on giving your wonderful words of wisdom! I too, peek in on your conversations to see what you're posting, etc. Take care, Deb

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Reply by debbied2007

19 Oct 2013, 1:53 AM

Hi Tracie,

I hope all is well with you this fine evening. Another friday night at home...with you of course!

See, right from your young tender age you were a fighter, and you are still fighting! Good for you. Strength comes from within and sometimes no matter what anyone else says, you know you are going to beat the odds. It's so strange what gives us strength. Strange meaning, at the time, we don't know that we are gaining strength, nor that we have it. But when we look back on our past, with fond memories of course because it is the past, we realize WOW, I did that! I actually lived to talk about it and to have a smile on my face while telling it, because no matter what, I did it.

Yeah, menopause, wow, I'm telling, I cannot think straight. I had to write an exam today for an interview and WOW...one more thing to tie us to keep lower level positions because we can't think straight. I'm not fully blaming menopause...I looked at the 3 questions and I knew I could answer them with ease, but it was a STRUGGLE!!!! I don't like this stage of life at all. I feel like my hands are tied and my brain is not working. Oh well, yet another thing to get through :) During thanksgiving I was talking with my niece and her mom is going through menopause right now, so is my other younger sister. So I guess in a way, I'm blessed! they are 7 and 5 years younger than me. My daughter made a comment about "why do you have to go through this so young?" so now I can tell her, just look at your aunts...they are a lot younger than I am and are going through it...you are one of the lucky ones

. LOL.

OMG, I can so relate to the girls "being bailed out".  This was one of the hardest lessons my girls learned, especially when their dad went broke. He used to send them, minimum $1000 each, each month. Never paid child support, but would bail them out of every situation possible. DAD, can you please send me $$$$, I don't have enough to buy this/that or the other thing. To this day, I do not give my girls money, I lend it to them and expect full pay back. But of course, when they pay it back I sometimes will take it...and sometimes won't. I just don't want to have them dependant on me as they were to their dad.

I'm sorry to hear your brother doesn't look well, I take everything back and I wish him good health. If we don't have much, at least we can wish good health on others! I can relate too much with you my dear friend, it scares me.  The items you post are like a mirror of my life and what I am going through, or have gone through.

I think I've learned my lesson...once again. I wish nothing but the best for your niece's fairy tale life...because too quickly it can fall apart.  I think people who post such gibberish are looking for something, I don't know what it is. My second youngest will post stuff like that, but I know exactly how she is feeling. She wants the outside world to believe; but momma knows the real story. You can't hide behind FB and appear to be happy! Even if she is happy and elated, posting the gibberish your niece did, was uncalled for!!!!

I too, wish for those friends who are near by to just go for a coffee! Perhaps we can go for coffee together apart! We can sit there, look across the table and just imagine a conversation, what we would say to each other. Take turns listening and talking!!!!

For the next week is our municiple election, so hubby and I went and did our democratic right to vote. As I was standing there waiting for him, one of the volunteers asked me if I always do the advance voting. I responded, yes, usually we are away during the week of the election. she asked, OH, are you going somewhere HOT, vacation???? I was actually stunned and didn't know how to respond and started stuttering, uhh...uhmmm...she said you don't have to tell me and just laughed. She said, perhaps he's whisking you away without you knowing...I shook my head, no...she said, are you whisking him away...I said yes (and in my head, said...to the hospital). He has to be at the surgery intake at 8:00am - the surgery can be anywhere from 1-3 hours based on complications. The 1 hour is of course no complications. He will be in ICU for 24 hours post surgery.  I told him to make sure he told his "SISTER"...because I did not want to have to deal with her. I cannot remember if I told you about the last ICU incident, I've since quit all communication with her. I'm so mad at her right now. I don't know if the anger is being re-directed from all this stress I am under, but at least she isn't being pushy about it and is communicating directly with her brother. That I am ok with.  I usually have her family over for TG dinner and she usually sends me a message about a week before, asking if it's still on. Not this year...I'm sure her brother's state had a lot to do with her knowing there would be no dinner! Wow, look at me COMPLAIN!!!

Well, tonight I made dinner and Don came down to eat.  He is doing that more often, rather than me serving him his dinner in bed. Our discussion last weekend opened his eyes abit about how lonely I am feeling.  On the really bad days, he will have his lunch/snack or dinner in bed. I don't have a problem with the days, I guess it's just the long lonely dark nights that get to me.  Most days I'm glad I'm not a shopper...otherwise, I would put us in the poor house.

I saw this on FB tonight, and just had to share: "Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes; come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?"  I hope this puts a smile on your beautiful face. Take care my dear friend,

Sending you hugs, sunshine (don't forget to watch the lunar eclipse tonight), smiles and positive thoughts. Take care,

Deb

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Reply by marstin

19 Oct 2013, 3:58 AM

Hi Deb,

Well, this must be my lucky day! That check that I've been waiting for came in today and I zipped right up to the bank to cash it. Then my aunts called me (my mom's sisters) and we had a great yak session. Now, a message from you! It truly is a great day.

It's funny, your remark about being a fighter reminded me of a conversation I had with my brother's ex-wife years ago when she said to me, 'You are amazing! You have gone through so much in your life and still keep smiling and keep on moving forward'. I took a peek back at the things that I have come through and how normal it all seems to me and yet I guess for someone looking on, it's huge. Step by step by step. I guess it was all preparing me for this huge change in my life. I can only hope the worst is behind me and life will become much more tranquil. I could sure use some happy.

It is hard to have to play the heavy with your kids. Yes, my mom always wanted my kids to not stress over money. She paid for them to get their hair done all of the time. spending money for trips, taxi fare etc. She doted on them so much. The older one is quite good with her money and manages to make it stretch but the younger one will blow through hers quickly at times and then be angry that she's broke. I have helped them out over the years but not to any extreme. Now I don't have a spare cent to be able to do that. All I can say is I'm doing the best that I can.

So, I talked to the guy that has my second mortgage and he has decided to come out and see the house. I had forgotten that the money we borrowed from him was to do reno's on the house and because I said that I still had a few things to be finished off, I guess he's curious about whether anything has been done. I was okay at first when he mentioned coming out but now I'm a bit annoyed. He knows that I have money coming in soon so it can't be that he's worried that he won't get paid so I don't know why he has to come out. All it means is that I have to try to straighten this place out this weekend and get it clean for Monday. More stress. I nearly got into another fight with my youngest tonight about it because she was ticked off that I wanted them to help whip this house into shape. She grumbled that she had to work and had to study for exams for next week. My response was well if you guys ever helped with anything in this house maybe it wouldn't be such a big issue. I bit my tongue before I played the 'I pay for this roof over your head' card. I just said that we were at the end of this excuse game and I wasn't putting up with it anymore. She backed down.

Ha!Ha! I pictured us sitting out somewhere having coffee by ourselves having a conversation with each other and the looks on peoples faces as we talked to an invisible person. How funny that would be.

No, I don't think you told me about Don's sister. You have one of those sister-inlaws too? That lady at the election place would feel so bad if she knew just what was going on in your life. Sometimes people just don't know when to stop talking. Is it Tuesday that Don goes into the hospital? This sure has been a long haul for the two of you.

My niece is one of those people that needs to surround herself with people who think she's wonderful. She talks herself up all of the time. She has always been a different sort. She does things for other people but always by using someone else's resources to do it. Always wanting to look like a great person but never really giving of herself. Does that make sense? I have always been there for her through all of her ups and downs and now I feel really betrayed by her. Oh well, just another person to turn their back on me. The trust won't be easily won back.

That darn loneliness. I go to the grocery store (safer than clothing stores) just about every day. I often walk out with empty arms but I chat with staff as I wander around. I also go to Tim Horton's every day and talk to the people working there. They have been great through all of this and know how rough things have been. Some knew Len too. Every Sunday night after his AA meeting, he would go in there to get me a decaf coffee before coming home. I sure miss that.

Wow. My youngest just headed out for the evening and warned me to lock the front door. She said she worries about me being here alone and leaving the door unlocked. It's been a habit because they are always in and out at night but lately we've just been feeling unsafe. I don't know why but it's silly to leave it unlocked when I'm home alone.

I love your dryer quote! I'd love to come out wrinkle free but you'd have to put me on the fluff cycle because I'm a bone rack. My oldest brought her friend in to see me the other night, very strange, and I think it was to show how thin I've gotten. I just need a five star vacation somewhere to eat, drink and relax then maybe I'd gain some weight. Someday.

Well once again Bella is whining to go out so I'd better get going. Hope your days are bright and sunny, without the fog we keep getting.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by debbied2007

24 Oct 2013, 4:06 AM

Hi Tracie,

I hope your week is going as well as it can - and your good news keeps coming in! :)

Well, the surgery went as well as can be expected - he's home now, in bed recovering. I'm so glad he's home, the days and evenings at the hospital are so exhausting, tiring and just draining of energy! I'm off work until Monday, as he needs help at home. So...this is it for surgeries, YIPPY! What a huge relief and now I'm walking around like nobody's business...my shoulders are light and the stress on my face is diminishing. However, I have to admit the last 5 years have aged me! Friday, will be my dad's 5 year anniversary...then the 30th, will be my step dad's 4 year anniversay

. I thought of putting something in the paper, but of course, left it to the last minute and now it's too late. I guess I can strive for next week, better late than never!!!

I too hope the worst is behind you...I don't know what's in store for you, but hoping for nothing but the best! Ahhh yes, the fight with the kiddies. I know those to well; however the girls have all been on their best behaviour of late, which is good and I'll take it. I haven't been blamed for anything AND they are sending us some really positive texts. I'm actually quite amazed, because it's times like this they make me proud!

You know...this week was going as well as it could go, considering what we are dealing with, and my sister in law just ruined it!  That family makes me so angry...I know why I let her push my buttons, but that's another posting - anyway, they borrowed an item from us, our truck. When they returned it, they forgot the canopy...and they also said they filled up the tank. We don't use the truck often, just to bring items to the recyle, or if we have a mountain trip where we are going to go on gravel roads. So I used the truck 3 weeks later (they still hadn't returned the canopy) and the tank was 1/4 full...FILLED IT...NOT.  AND, they returned the canopy today...their flippin' kids spray painted it!!!! OMG.  OK, I can take the 1/4 tank...it's not a big truck and I'm not too sure how much gas was in it when they took it...but to damage the canopy! There are words I would like to say right now, but, I'm afraid, that would probably get me kicked off this webiste! So of course, I'm trying to get as much information as I can about the paint, so I can google how to remove it...and they are so non-challant about it...like it's not a big problem. They are always "borrowing" from us. His sister is a couple years younger than us, and has a very young family. When we had the girls and she was a "SWF", we definitely didn't borrow anything from her. They have 6 kids, and actually, had the nerve to ask us to babysit a few years ago...while they went on a holiday...can you believe it. I said NO WAY, we've raised our girls without your help...there is no way I will be babysitting your children. There are just little things like this along the way that's actually building up and I don't know if it's because I'm under a lot of stress, or if this is actually the straw that broke the camels back, but I'm FED UP! I'm actually stepping away from this and letting hubby deal with it....the relationship that is!

Well, I hope I'm not as lonely as I was for the last month. That was tough. How are things with you my dear friend? Are you getting anywhere with the downsizing...selling lots of items? Getting motivated to clear up the items???? Has Len come to visit lately?

My sister called today...it was so nice to hear her voice.  Most times I wonder if we were all raised by different parents. I'm so different from my sibblings...I'm the shy, reserved quiet one. They are all very social, outgoing and friendly. But, the one thing we all have in common is our need for "alone time"!

Early October brought back a lot of memories of when I was up north, helping to take care of my dad and how "his wife" put me and my sister though so much crap! I guess I need to forgive her for that so I can get over it.  I actually couldn't wait until she was OUT of my life. She really made my life a living hell sometimes, because she had so much control over my dad and his life, she took full advantage of it.

I really don't know why I am in such a downer mood and on such a rant! Thanks for listening...LOL...

Well, hopefully, tomorrow, I will go for a walk. Tonight I helped our granddaughter study for her Friday spelling test. She's aced each one since they started (I think friday will be her 4th or 5th one). She's so confident, it just amazes me how love can bring out such goodness and caring from little ones. Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, she would go up and hug grandpa's pillow and kiss it, because, every morning she goes up to say kisses and hugs him bye; this was her way of dealing with him being away. So today, after school when she came home, I said to her "guess who's home?" She said "Grandpa?" YUP...she said, I'm going to go say hi and cuddle with him. She's gone from this little girl who rockets off of grandpa's tummy and goes flying across the king size bed, to finding that perfect place to cuddle in the crook of his arms and side. PERFECT! I took her to the mall tonight...she's 5...she wanted to go clothes shopping because she's gonig to need a lot of clothes for winter. Geeesh!!!!  We didn't buy anything, just returned the library books and walked around the mall...because we can.

Well, once again TracieBugs, I hope all is well with you. Thank you for listening to my rant, I try not to rant about his family with him, because...really, who wants to hear negativity about your family...I know I don't. He's doing better, I'm glad. I'm not as stressed...LOL...if only my stress would help me lose the extra pounds, but it doesn't. My body type is the type that when I'm stressed, I get that extra tire around the tummy. No matter how much I walk or run, I can't lose it.  That's genetics for ya, hey! Take care, sending you sunshine, as I've heard Vancouver has been under a rain cloud for about a week!

Hugs, Deb

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Reply by marstin

24 Oct 2013, 6:10 AM

Hi Deb,

I am so happy for the two of you that the operations are behind you. I guess chemo is next? It sure has been a long process but you did it! I know that it's Don that has gone through the physical pain but you my dear have suffered along with him. I get what you say about aging so much in a short time because everytime I look in the mirror I can't figure out who's face is staring back at me. The stress is obvious.

The love between a grandpa and his grandaughter is such an incredible thing. Your granddaughter sounds like sucha delight to have around. My parents used to babysit my girls all of the time and when the oldest was just a baby, they would take her everywhere with them even to the coffee shop to meet with their friends. She was grandpa's girl and would work out in the garden with him or lay on the bed with him and watch tv. I sometimes thought it was his way of doing things all over again and treating her like he should have treated me. He passed away on her graduation day and it just devastated her that he never got to see it. He was so proud of her.

I'm afraid to say it, but I think I've finally let go of my anger at my brother. I'm not sure how it happened but I feel so relieved. I am not a spiteful kind of person generally so it just dragged me down and yet the past few days I think of him and feel bad that he is such an unhappy man and doesn't even realize it.

Well, the mortgage guy came out and wandered all through the yard and the house. I'm sure glad that we did a good cleaning because it's not on my list of priorities these days and he looked almost everywhere and took pictures. I warned him that the suite was a mess but he still went and looked at it. I'm not sure exactly what it was all about but he was figuring out what he thought it would cost to finish things off and pondered whether I would get my investment back. Ha! Like I have money to do anything at this point. He did kind of push for me to finish up within the month and put the place on the market. My back went up a bit. I hate being told what to do. He was quite pleasant though. He was so impressed by the arbutus tree I have in the front yard. He was taking so many pictures. It seems that he has tried on many occasions to grow one and met with failure and his friends just laugh and say, they won't grow here. I told him about Len bringing it back from the island and planting it and the darn thing actually taking root. I said that Len was like that, he could make miracles happen all of the time until he came face to face with cancer. This tree now stands about 6 to 8 feet tall. I always smile when I look at it. Apparently these trees can't be transplanted so I guess when I move it won't stand a chance if someone trys to take it out. It's kind of sad.

Wow, Don's sister sounds like real brat (not really the word I would normally say) . I hate people who have no respect for other peoples property. I'm afraid I would have lost it when they brought back the canopy with paint on it. I imagine if the shoe was on the other foot that they would be indignant that someone would dare wreck something of theirs but don't care because it doesn't belong to them. Grrr!

I went to my meeting today. It was really good, probably the best one I've been to so far. I came out of it feeling happy but exhausted. It does have that affect and I have learned that sometimes it brings out all kinds of pain but I guess it's a healing kind of pain to be able to share with people in the same situation. The sun was shining and it was an good day. I ran into a guy that used to be the bingo caller at a place that mom and I went. I see him quite often and he always asks how I'm doing since he knows what I'm going through. I mentioned the mortgage guy and said that what I really need is man power. He laughed and then said do you mean people to do heavy work? I said yea and he gave me hell. He gave me his brothers card months ago so that if I needed any work done that I could call him. I tried to explain to him how hard it is for me to ask for help and he said call us! He has two brothers and said that they would all come over and do whatever it is that I need done. Wow! The power of strangers one more time. I just have so much trouble asking for help but I guess there are people out there that truly mean it when they say let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Oh, I have to tell you about when I was cleaning the other night. I was clearing out a box of things I had brought home from my moms. I still have so much stuff to go through. Anyway, I got to the bottom of the box and spotted what I thought was a piece of paper. What a shock to find that it was $55 folded up. I looked up and said 'Thank you!'. It was the year I was born so I think my mom planted it there. It was so like her and brought a smile to my lips.

Well, time to get to bed. Another busy day ahead tomorrow. Hopefully another glorious sunny one.

Hugs,
Tracie

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