Hi Tracie, thank you for your postings...I don't know how I missed your May 24th posting, as I was wondering if you were extremely busy and didn't want to post just in case you needed some time...then received your June 9th posting and voila, I now had 2 postings to read .
Again, another similarity, the caregiving, the raging parent and the empathy for others, and yet, thinking we didn't deserve it in return. For me, those lead to a lot of anger issues. My mom was my raging parent. She had her favourites (and still does), but now that I am older and since about 32 (around the time I met Don), I started understanding why she was the way she was and had to forgive her in order for me to move on with my life. She was always competing for my father's attention with me. I know that sounds strange, but that's how it felt. Ohhhh, there were some mean and horrible things she did to me, and this just enforced my thoughts that children should be seen and not heard. So I would hide out in my room and that was my sanctuary. As the oldest sister I always had my own room, the one good thing about being the oldest daughter I guess. I'm sure there were more, as I do have a lot of good memories from my childhood.
It makes my heart smile when you talk about Len and how he treated you. He sounds just like Don - just the love, affection, respect and care given by these two men, have made two very happy and loving ladies! I know exactly what you mean by that "not good enough" feeling; I have it every now and then, but a lot less and less. I still can be passive, which usually brings on a lot of anger, as I feel I am giving more and receiving less; I guess as parents this is our role...perhaps not, but that's how it is. The twinkle in the eyes, oh yes, there is so much love shown through the eyes and the smiles. Words aren't everything unless they are backed up by the actions, gestures and expressions. I always get compliments from colleagues/friends/family on how much love Don and I have for each other, and how we show it so openly. This makes me smile, because it is real!
It's been a tough couple of weeks and I'm at my wits end. I just don't know what to do about my daughters. I have good news and bad news...my 2nd oldest called about two weeks ago and she's expecting (yay) in December. I'm so excited, as she doesn't have any children yet (the last to have a child). She's scared, but she has so much support around her. With my big family and her spouse, well, she will be supported well. Her background includes child care and development. So she's going to be a wonderful mom!
My daughter, who went off her meds...well, let me just say, it's been 3 weeks of full on stress! I checked my blood pressure this morning and it is so high (even though I am on my pills). I have an appointment with my doctor to increase my BP pills and will be booking an appt with a therapist; there is also a support group at the local health centres on Wednesday evenings for families who are supporting those with mental issues. Since I last posted, I've found out a lot more information about her not taking her meds...she was off them for 5 weeks and not 1 week. On the 24th, she went MIA and came home with a stranger (lucky he was a police for the Dept. of Defense who picked her up, while driving home at 4am). He was just dropping her off and making sure she was ok. The things that could've happened! She said she needed to smarten up - so I asked if she would at least take her sleeping pills, and she said yes. However, on Sunday, she tried to commit suicide; her boyfriend took her to the medi-centre and she was hospitalized, but was able to leave the next morning...without any therapy! So I called a friend who's daughter went through the same thing a few years ago and asked for help. On the 29th Cheryl was hospitalized again for a few hours (at her own admitting) and took herself out; but we did manage to get a crisis team hooked up to her. Then on the 31st (Friday) she had a psychotic episode - I basically had to call the cops and tell them she has a crisis team and they told me to call the police to get her to the hospital. Which basically happened (a lot of stress, tension, discussions and tears thrown in here too)? So she was committed again; however, wasn't released until she promised to do a couple of things, which she has not followed through on. She's been back on her meds and is slowly interacting with her family again. During this time, both Don and I have been raising our granddaughter (for about two months now) and I thought things were getting better. Yesterday, I woke up in the morning and the only thing I had to do was get our granddaughter breakfast; I didn't have to make sure she got dressed, brushed her teeth, get her snacks for school or ensure her back pack was emptied of paperwork. I was so excited and commented to Don that this is a break through, I didn't have to do anything.
2nd youngest daughter interlude (the one who was mad at me and quit talking to me) - on Saturday (yes, my one free weekend of no episodes or MIA's and thinking things were going back on the mend with Cheryl) she decides she's going to spend the night with her daughter with us - that was great. We were talking and getting over the anger issues. We had a wonderful time together - had a fire in the fire pit - talked, laughed and enjoyed each other's company. She goes home on Sunday and her husband kicks her out, says he's going to move back north to be with his ex wife, as they've been talking all night on facebook and realized they missed each other!!!! So she comes back home and is quite upset. Her and Cheryl talk and I listen for awhile; and tell her, if you need us to do anything let me know and walk away. So now she's staying with us; our niece will be staying with us for one week, while looking for a place to stay and get ready for school in September.
Back to the previous scene where I thought Cheryl was doing pretty good. Well, last night, my two daughters decide they are going to have a few beers at home, which is fine, I told them just to be respectful and quiet. Which basically they were; but I had to wake up this morning back to the full mommy role of taking care of our granddaughter again. Tracie, I am so stressed. I have a colonoscopy next week; the week after Don goes for surgery and my two daughters are slowly falling apart!
We are going to the mountains to hike this weekend. Today, Don asked if I would go even though the weather won't be so great, and I said YES!!!!
Again, I know exactly what you are going through when the girls gang up on you and blame everything on what we did or didn't do - I get that once a year, whether I deserve it or not. Then the apology comes and I'm back to being the parent gives and gives, until the next blame game.
I cannot believe your brother's comments - it's almost like pity with a bit of jealousy involved in his comments! I'm so glad you are ready to go to the group - it's going to be a good experience once it is embraced! I really do enjoy your babbles Tracie - sometimes I feel my babbling is too much, but once I write everything down, I just leave it and hope that it isn't too much to read. I wish I had time to clean my house....oh well; life really does throw us too much at once, sometimes. I told Don this morning that my daughters are going to kill me! I wish I could just pick up and run away and have my girls fend for themselves (I would take my granddaughter though). There's so much more going on at this point, but if I continue on, this would be my "Dear Diary" again! Well, I do feel better. I've been on this post for some time, just typing, not thinking, but pouring it all out. Thank you once again for being there for me Tracie! I hope your week gets better. I sometimes wonder why our girls can be so mean. I don't remember being like that with my mom. Perhaps I was...hmmmm. It rained all weekend and Monday...Tues and Weds will have sunshine, only to have rain for the rest of the week and weekend...I'll take the two days.
Take care, sending you hugs, sunshine and a great big smile :)
Deb