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Reply by debbied2007
19 Jun 2013, 10:35 PM

Hi Tracie, thanks for your posting once again!  Things seem to just get good then worse again!  My daughter is doing very well with her meds.  I think this may be week 2 or 3, but she is interacting with the family, being active with her daughter and taking good care of herself (ie. exercising and watching what she eats...and actually eating!).  But I'm not keeping my hopes up, as I do not know for how long this will continue...not to be negative, but I need my reality check in "eyes" this time, as I was emotionally broken the last time she decided to not take her meds and "cure herself"! 

I only have a limited amount of time right now, so will go through your posting and respond.  I will pick up where I leave, at a later date/time :)

Alien Brother, wow, kinda like that one here!  Laughing  and the lawyer secretary sounds controlling...so does your sister in law, which is perhaps why your brother is ok dealing with her...she makes all the decisions, no confrontation from your brother...and oh well, if it costs, it's not issue to him, as he has money!!! 

Tracie, I do not think you are bitter at all.  You've been doing this alone for so long, including your brother, girls, estates (not one but two) and trying to get your house and yard in order...while trying to grieve.  You go ahead and vent, I've had my vents and you've listened with an open heart and mind.  I'm truly blessed we found each other!  Even if your brother does what he says he's going to do (or doesn't), well, at least the thought was there.  I hope he managed to do it though.  Just to give you a  little break from even the littliest things :) 

It's nice that we can laugh and think about running away - fortunately, I get to run away, as I have an excuse on weekends to run away, and leave my daughter to fend for herself.  Tonight, cross your fingers, toes and nose...I think it's in the 11 or 15 million...can't remember, too much happening around here! 

It really sounds like you still have a lot of work ahead of you.  From a previous posting I will quote..."I wish I had a magic wand"...to just wave it and take all your stress away...wave it and make all the chores completed...wave it and just make what ever your wish is come true...I know what that would be.  Sometimes, I think back (I think I previously said this), but I wish I was a little girl again, just to be in the comfort of my daddies lap and arms (insert your mom here); cuddling me and telling me it's going to be ok, and me believing it, because whenever he said that, eventually it was ok.  I miss my dad so much right now. 

How did your first group session go?  Making new friends is something, I hope, you enjoy doing.  I'm unfortunately, not good at making "live" friends.  I'm great one on one; but dread groups. 

Well, I had my colonoscopy yesterday with good results - no polyps, so no colonoscopy for aonther 5 years.  Unfortunately, Don's pre-op appointment didn't go to well.  We found out only one surgeon is available...he doesn't want to go back for a second major surgery, so he has calls into his surgeons to ask...what the heck....right from the beginning the main surgeon stated they were going to have one major surgery so he didn't have to go through two or three surgeries.  The receptionist at the GI Surgeons office is next to useless.  At one of the appointments, we sat and listened to her trying to make an appointment for her mom (during office hours; loud and we could clearly hear it from the waiting area) and how her mom couldn't go to the time of an appt or that appt for what ever reason.  SHe spent about 45 minutes on the phone, making a personal call, while the patients waited.  Some even walked out.  Now that is major here, as it takes months to get an appt with a surgeon and it must be recommended by your family doctor.  Anyway, she screwed up three times; 1 - the oncologist sent information over to the GI surgeon well in advance of Don booking his appt for surgery, and she said she didn't receive it; 2 - the lung surgeon said he sent information to the GI surgeon and she said he didn't... but 3 (MAJOR) she was supposed to book the surgery along with the liver surgeon so only one operation happened...and she didn't, only one surgeon (GI) is scheduled to be in the operating room.  So, once again, we are on the waiting list.  The Pre-Op nurse talked about taking your health into your own hands...so basically that is what is expected of patients now!  I cannot believe this, because Doctors office's are so hard to get a hold of (they don't even have an answering machine!).  Anyway, my call to go has arrived, feeling frustrated, annoyed and down right upset...thanks Tracie...oh, and today, I received my lay off letter...what a kick in the pants that is...seems like I get to get up and stand just enough to get kicked back down again.  Talk later, send you ehugs, sunshine and great smiles...just because...Deb
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Reply by marstin
21 Jun 2013, 6:35 AM

Hi Deb,

Do you ever long for the days when things just kind of moved along without being filled with land mines every time you turn around? I'm sure you do. I can imagine that you are feeling a bit betrayed by your daughter and give yourself a kick in the butt for not realizing what was going on with her. Maybe it's just that she has gotten that good at hiding things or that it took that long for it to become apparent that something had changed. You have so much on your plate.

The medical system is so out of whack. I know that here, doctors (or their receptionists) can't just pick up a phone anymore to book an appointment with a specialist. These days the referral has to be faxed to the specialist and then you wait and wait and wait for a response. How frustrating it must be for you and Don to think that everything is going as planned and then to find out that someone has messed it up so badly. Our society seems to have forgotten that these are human beings that they are dealing with not just a name on a piece of paper. I am so sorry that you have this to battle too and then to top it off, a layoff notice. Life can be so incredibly unkind at times.

Thank you for being so supportive and understanding because at times I truly start to think that maybe I am losing it and creating issues in my life. With what you have written to me, I can look at it from someone else's perspective and say 'Wow, that's alot to deal with'. My alien brother has been over twice in the past week and has been working on getting the light working in my daughters room. Yesterday he checked the light in the hallway that's been acting up. He was trying to get the cover off and was making fun of Len for buying something like that when 'Crash!'. The flourescent bulbs came flying out of the fixture and hit the floor. They always say don't speak ill of the dead. I could almost hear Len laughing.He did look a little stunned and I think for a fleeting moment that thought went through his head. He came back tonight and replaced the bulbs. Funny how when the wife's away, he can spend time with his sister. Still though maybe it's not a bad thing that he can't be around more because he constantly has to criticize work that Len did. Only 3 times tonight though. Lol! He must have been envious of him to constantly have to take shots at him. He mentioned something about my walkway needing some gravel and that although he couldn't do it, I should get a guy to bring some gravel and lay it down. I just chuckled and said I don't have any men or any trucks to do it. He just kind of looked at me and it was almost like the light went on. No big brother I don't have anyone to do the heavy work around here. Just worn out old me.

Oh that crazy secretary at the lawyers office. I had to drop a paper off there the other day and I all I could think was how wonderful it would be if I didn't have to see her smug little face. The gods were kind and she hadn't gotten there yet so I put it through the mail slot and did a happy dance all the way back to my car. You might be right about her being similar to my sister in law. I mentioned something to my brfother the other day about finances and the lawyers secretary and he got really annoyed and said 'I don't give a f---. That's pretty apparent since he doesn't worry about spending money that isn't just his. He sure hates anyone questioning his decisions. So much like my dad was.

So, my group session went fairly well. I was extremely nervous and when I was called on to tell a little bit about myself I just fell apart and could barely speak through the tears. One of the guys in the group calmly asked me a few questions and I was able to get a grip on myself. Whew! Pretty emotional. I know what you mean about making 'live' friends. I talk to people all of the time but always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I think it's due to lack of confidence and lack of trust from younger years. At least when Len was around I felt so secure and never questioned his love for me.
It's hard to step back out into the real world and try to figure out a way to fit in.

Well it's getting late and it's been a long day so I should head for bed. Lately I've been having bouts of anxiety when I go to bed. I guess the worry about money and the fact that time is running out is starting to wear me down. It will work out. My 'angels' tell me so.

Hugs to you my friend,
Tracie
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Reply by debbied2007
21 Jun 2013, 5:32 PM

Hi Tracie,


I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HEARTLESS YOUR BROTHER CAN BE!!!!  How dare he talk ill of your Len!!!!  That just infuriates meYell  But good for you, taking it like a grain of salt.  You are one strong woman my dear buddy! 

Well, things are finally looking up - Don is going ahead with his surgery and will have a minor one in early August for his liver.  He's still trying to figure out what the Dr's are going to do about the lung; so on that front, still waiting.  It's sunny here today; daughter's on her meds; granddaughter is slowly getting to know her mommy again; and surgery is happening; I will be off work for the month of July to take care of hubby; so I can actually smile today Laughing. 

Well, with the lay off letter, I have until December to decide if I want to relocate to Winnipeg (YUCK - NOT); then once I deny the relocation, then I will have 120 days to decide what option I would like to do (education leave; go on a priority list; or just quit); then after that I have 1 year to go ahead with one of my options, so, basically, I have until March 31, 2015 - however, I will be short 3 years from retirement, so would need to find a job between now and 2015...good luck to me...

I guess with your brother visiting rarely is a blessing in disguise.  My goodness, the moment one of my brother's step in my home, I put them to work.  They don't live near me, not even in the same province, so visits are rare. 

Somedays, it's good when the god's shine upon us, and realize, just that one little gesture can add bounce to our steps and brighten our moods.  Some days...not all!!!! Wink

I'm glad your group session went well - good to hear, as I was a bit worried about you, and good to hear you let it all out.  My heart goes out to you, it's so painful to talk about the death of a loved one.  Here's a great big hug for you [] (don't know what the emoticon for hug is...lol).

Well, never a day goes by that something eventful happens...and it did exactly that yesterday morning.  Don and I were leaving for work, and our neighbour was standing outside her garage, arms folded and just staring off to the distance.  I said, Good Morning, she looked at me with anger...said, morning!  Then said, "Can I ask you a question?"  I said of course, and stepped towards her.  She said, "Are you having an affair with my husband?"  I was taken aback and said NO.  Don was in the car and the windows were closed.  I pointed towards him and said, I'm very much in love with my husband, I would never have an affair!  She said, you and your daughter, I saw both of you having sex with my husband.  I was shocked and said, NO, we don't have sex with your husband.  I gestured for Don to roll down his window and he did.  I said, she thinks me and Cheryl are having an affair with her husband; she says we are having sex with her husband.  At this point, he didn't say anything.  She pointed her finger at me and said "it's shameful, both of you, having sex with my husband.  I've seen it, my children have seen it, just shameful".  I continued to defend myself and told her I was not having sex with her husband!  Then, she told me, she had to move her bedroom from this side of the house to the other side, because me and my daughter were using our "invisible powers" to have sex with her husband.  This is when I finally realized she was not mentally well, and discontinued the defence!  She kept talking and accusing me as I jumped in the car.  Don kept saying, sorry about that, to her accusations, because no matter what she says, she believes me and my daughter are having an affair and we have powers and use them to have sex with him.  Wowsers, I was shocked.  Later that afternoon, I had to go home by myself to pick something up.  I was terrified, shaking and so nervous about seeing her.  Low and behold, as I was pulling into our neighbourhood, so was our neighbour's husband Surprised.  I was hoping the wife wasn't spying and looking out the window, I just pulled into our garage and closed it immediately, ignoring him fully; as I usually talk to him and talk about whatever, nope, not this time!!!!!!  I did what I had to do and got the heck out of there!  Now this has put our neighbour relationship at an awkward state.  Again, I'm still in shock and now worried about their family.  They have 4 children!

Ahhhhhh life, seems to just throw curves at you just to let you know who really has the power, NOT ME!   Well, the weekend is here, thank goodness.  Happy Aboriginal Day!  Hapyy Summer Solstice Day!  And just, happy day!  Sending you positive thoughts, sunshine and a big ole smile, just because!  Take care Tracie, enjoy your weekend.  Take time out for yourself, either to treat yourself or just to think positive thoughts about yourself, or do both.  You deserve it!  I'm envious of your strength and marvel at it!  But also, worry that you should be taking care of yourself too!  Big E-HUGS!!!!

Deb
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Reply by NatR
21 Jun 2013, 5:43 PM

Dear Deb,

reading your note about what you are dealing with, on top off everything else - just had to add a note

perhaps you should speak to the husband about his wife's accusations and behaviour 

i once had a mentally ill neighbour who made my life hell, throwing stones, making accusations eetc I talked to public health nurse  - it was a very small town

The husband ( who was not aware of what was hapening) was notified and the wife was whisked away for treatment.

not saying this will happen in your neighbours case - but you need to tell someone

thast my personal opinion, it sure helped me out of a bad situation  

wishing you well today  
best wishes to Tracie too 
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Reply by debbied2007
21 Jun 2013, 7:20 PM

Hi NatR, YES, I will be telling her husband once I can talk with him.  Several weeks back he mentioned that his wife was hospitalized about 3 years ago, due to mental illness.  I'm glad I was fore warned, as it would have come as a complete shock to me.  Of course, they are a very nice family and we've enjoyed being their neighbours since 2007.  So, yes, I was shocked!  If I don't talk with him, I definitely will get my hubby to.  The initial shock and nervousness (being scared too) is over and I feel I can handle it now!  Thanks NatR; hoping all is well with you.  Cheers!  Deb
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Reply by marstin
21 Jun 2013, 7:29 PM

OMG Deb please be careful! I can only imagine how frightening that must have been or I guess I should say how frightening it is. I wonder if you should contact the police department and ask their opinion. It couldn't hurt to know what they would suggest you do if it continues. With her having 4 children that makes it even worse. You truly don't need anymore stress. How's your blood pressure? I've had to phone the police on a few occasions when my youngest was being threatened by some crazy girl and they were great. At least they might document it in case anything else goes on. Not a good thing to have to be afraid of your neighbor.

Oh my brother just lives in a strange little world that makes total sense to him. I'm sure that he thinks he's supporting me in some weird way by putting Len down for unfinished projects or doing things differently than he would. Don't forget that he thinks he lives in a perfect world. I just have to laugh at him because I know he really doesn't mean any harm just feels the need to be superior. This is also a guy that spends more time thinking about death and dying than the normal person. He commented the other day that if he was facing a terminal illness he would figure out a way to check out early so he wouldn't have to go through what my mom or Len went through. I said to him that the will to live becomes even stronger when you are faced with things like that and you just know that you really don't want to die. Like I say, he's different.

I hope your job situation turns out for you. At least you get a month off to spend with Don and relax a bit. I'm sure you could use some time out. I'm glad to hear that they are at least going to get started on his surgeries. The waiting is what drives people crazy.

I've been working feverishly at selling things off on craigslist. It seems to work far better than to have garage sales where everyone wants stuff for nothing. I still have the storage container in my driveway but will soon have to give that up. I've loved having it. I have a bunch of people coming over tomorrow to see if they want some of the stuff in there. I really just want it all gone so that I can get some of the garbage hauled away from here. I can't do it with the container sitting there. So busy but feeling like I'm running on the spot when it comes to the interior of the house. I'm going to have to get some help on that but I don't know how I can do it without the funds to pay out. Oh well, it will work out. I'll just have to sell more stuff. Lol!

Well, I guess I'd better get to work on something here. The sky is looking a little bit dismal but it's not raining yet so I guess that's a plus.

Take care & hugs to you,
Tracie
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Reply by debbied2007
02 Jul 2013, 2:37 AM

Hi Tracie. Just a quick note for now. Hubby had his surgery last Wednesday and he is recovering well. He has one more in 3-4 months. I've been spending about 10-11 hours a day with him. Watching him sleep. Lol. But he appreciates it when he wakes up for a biand d I'm there. I've been playing a lot of solitaire On my phone. Just sitting and enjoying my own company. I hope all is well with you!!!!!  When I have a moment I will write more. Another good news - my manager called me and mentioned I will get absorbed by another unit in our department. Seems things are slowly falling into place. Take care and stay cool from the heat. Sending u a virtual great big hug, sunshine, smiles and hugs. Deb
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Reply by marstin
07 Jul 2013, 10:30 PM

Hi Deb,

I thought it was time that I settled down and wrote back to you. How wonderful that Don has at least one surgery behind him. It's always that waiting that wears a person out.  What good news that you won't be losing your job! Things are definitely on the upswing for you.

I've been working away at selling things on Craigslist and have had a few more garage sales. The garage sales have been a good way of getting to know the neighbors in the area. It only makes me want to stay here now that everything is coming together. I'm quickly running out of money and have to get this place on the market and yet I am having so much difficulty forging ahead. Some days I just want to sit down and cry. There is still so much to do. Len's friend has been coming by and doing what he can and brought a friend with him to help unload the container today. The other guy expressed his sympathy at the ovewhelming task of clearing everything out of here. There is just so much stuff. The container gets picked up on Tuesday. I could have kept it longer but at some point I just have to let it go so that I can bring a dumpster in and get rid of the mountains of garbage that has to go.

I think I told you that Len's older daughter (not biological) has been coming around now trying to make amends for being absent when he was dying and has been clean for about 3 months. My girls are still so angry with her not only for causing Len pain but for past things that she did before she began to have issues. Anyway, things got really bad this week and I was sooo stressed. July 15th with mark the one year passing of Len and the girls had asked me months ago if we could go to his family cabin to celebrate him. I came up with the idea of maybe spreading some of his ashes there. Anyway, at one point way back I mentioned going to the island for this and his daughter asked if she could come. Always being the people pleaser, I immediately said 'oh sure' and then was so mad at myself. I truly hoped she would forget about it. No such luck. Of course when I brought it up to the girls, they burst into tears and were furious with me. It got ugly a few days ago and his daughter kept at me on facebook about how they should allow her to come and that it would be so wrong if they didn't  and how guilty they would feel later on if they didn't allow her and didn't they know how sick she was. I finally got a little annoyed and started pushing back. Everything was about her and her feelings and no real thought to the girls at all. She's in her mid 40's and has always been so self absorbed. I felt like I was being squashed in the middle. I pointed out to her that the girls had gone through so much in the past year and a half and that I had to take their feelings into consideration. She has been absent from our lives for years except for when Len would call her on her birthday or she needed a babysitter. She never phoned any of us on our birthdays. (Mine was last Saturday and it was all over my facebook page and yet she never wished me a happy birthday at all) I spent Friday spilling it to Len's friend, then coffee with my niece and then ran into one of the guys that Len had been in the hospital with at one point, who is now a councellor, and of course everyone had different ways of dealing with it all. Lol! Anyway, she came over yesterday to help me with the garage sale and was all weepy about the girls hating her. I told her that she had to give them time, she had been out of their lives for a very long time and comes on very strong. Anyway, she came up with solution that I think people from her meetings helped her to get to.  She asked if we would allow her to have a small amount of ashes so that she could go somewhere with her mom and do their own little ceremony at a place that they all used to go to together. Whew! I mentioned it to my youngest and she said that it wasn't that she hated her, just that she was afraid of what emotions might come up when we are at the cabin for the first time since his passing and truly didn't want an almost stranger to be there watching her. It made so much sense to me. Like I needed added stress these days. Sheesh!

Other than that, life has been crawling along and the weather has been incredible. I still try to get out on the deck and read every few days for an hour and actually managed to finish a book. First time in many years.

Well, I guess it's time to get back to work here. I hope things keep moving ahead for you and that the sun keeps smiling down on you.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by NatR
08 Jul 2013, 12:00 AM

Hi Tracie and Deb, 

just wanted to say its great to see you both writing and supporting each other.

there are things you can understand and "get" instantly.
hope that you each enjoy some of the warmed weather and take each day on - as it comes.

wishing you both a good summer, keep on keeping on,
sincerely
NatR hugs 
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Reply by debbied2007
08 Jul 2013, 6:33 AM

thanks NatR, your support is so appreciated!  I read a lot of your supports, and wish I can "like" them, because I believe in you and what you are saying.  I too, am so happy I "get" my friend Tracie, we are two who get it and know exactly what we are saying...Take care, enjoy your summer, and CHEERS!  HUGS, Deb
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