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Fine Line of Support/Enabling 
Started by nannypoo
28 Jan 2013, 5:06 AM

Before my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, I had a sick feeling she was slidding down a slippery slope.  I got very angry with her and refused to be her goat, sorta speck.  I offered to do all I could that would aid in her wellness but stubbornally refused to help her stock up on the unhealthy items.  If she wanted those things she would have to find some other way to obtain those things.  yeah yeah sounds great but not so easy.I was watching her in a very short time become fatiqued and frail  .anyhow.  One day she lost her voice.  After a few wks she saw the doc and was told it was a virus.  So I'd watch her take in yuck stuff and not take in enough essentials...and got increassingly frustrated with the sillyness.  A person cannot get well if they don't take care to do so!!!!!!!!!  Ahhhh...hair pulling....gotta let go to maintain my own sanity...so I decide..  tricky once again.  After the diagnoses I decide I must accept her as she is and let go of the anger because I don't want to miss or waste anymore valuable  time with my mother, whom of course I love very much.  Makes me crazy but love like crazy.
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
28 Jan 2013, 7:32 PM

Welcome to Virtual Hospice Nancy. 

Such a trying situation and, as you quickly discovered, you are not alone. I see that you have already met Tracy (aka Worried Daughter) who is experiencing similar frustrations with her mother. I'd also like to introduce you to Glasslady001 and  Cindie 46 who started these discussions.
It is hair pulling when someone you care about makes choices that don't make sense to us. I think you hit on a key point - acceptance. It is hard to let go of the anger. But as you point out, you want to make the time left a positive experience. You're on the right track, especially that you recognize that you also have to mind your own mental health through all this.

I'm glad you chose to share your thoughts with us. Bounce ideas off us, share the good moments and never hesitate to just blow off steam. It has to come out somewhere. You won't be judged here. We'll listen and support you.

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Reply by NatR
29 Jan 2013, 2:00 AM

Hi Nannypoo;)
I think I crossed paths with you earlier on another thread of conversation about mothers that drive children frantic.

You have found a place to type your stress out and share your worries and concerns.  You are able to say what ticks you off and no one will tell you you are wrong.  You get to just vent.  

We all need a place like that from time to time.  You will find others who are going through the same things as you...but a bit different.

We cant all be like the Brady Bunch and have sunshine and light happening in our families.  Unfortunately when one of our close family gets sick it isnt the easiest thing to help or try to help them.

I guess what I want to say is....try not to take the reaction personally.  When your mom isnt grateful or is critical or makes bad choices - remember that you tried to help, you offered your input and you can often not make a difference.

I have to say that in some ways...(and I am getting into the senior category so I speak for myself as well)  Older people tend to be like spoiled children at times...saying that its going to be their way or the highway.  I dont know why that happens...but I kind of am understanding that we feel entitled to be our own worst enemy at times...maybe its trying to stay in control of our own destinty, maybe it is just stubborness..maybe it is a life of difficulty and some of us just want to rub others the wrong way...

I know you are family and your mom should listen to you.  But for whatever reason she is captain of her ship and you cannot take the wheel from her...not at this moment anyway.

I apologise if I am getting too carried away..but I am just trying to be the one sitting on the fence...and yet...as a senior...trying to understand that sometimes senior members of the family feel like they must stand up and make sometimes bad or unhealthy decisions for ourselves.  This must make me sound like a pretty difficult person to get along with...I do have a sense of humour so you have to understand...:)

Colleen gave you the best advice...take care of yourself...make the efforts that you can to help, intervene, offer your care and concern...and then...you have to let go and remember that your health matters too.

What you said at the end of your letter is what hit me the most.  After all the irritations you feel - you LOVE your mother.  That is priceless.  She is lucky that she has that love and that you care enough to keep on trying.

I do hope that in some small way I could offer you some peace...to let you know that its not the winning of the battle that matters..its that you tried, that your mom knows you love her and that you do what you do because of that love.

Give yourself a pat on the back for being a wonderful daughter.
It is not an easy thing to caregive for our parents.  They want to take care of us, and did so all of our lives...often trying to keep doing it long after we left the nest...trying to help...and now you are trying to help.
Hugs..from my corner of the forum to yours:)
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Reply by Brayden
29 Jan 2013, 3:38 AM

Dear Nannypoo,

There is very little that I can add to NatR's insightfull comments but I could add that you might find that a daughters advise is not accepted even if it is the best advise. You might consider trying to get other professionals that now should be involved with your mother's case to communicate your concerns to her. i.e. doctors, social worker, dietition. Your mother might listen to them and change her ways. If that does not work, then you may just have to go with the flow and tell yourself not to get worked up over it. Please keep posting and venting if need be. Wishing you the very best.

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Reply by nannypoo
30 Jan 2013, 6:16 AM

Today I got to snuggle my mom, rub her back, love her.  The nausiousness and fatuique is severe.  I wish I could be there more then I am.  I felt the urge to run over to just hold her.  She sounded so exhausted on the phone.  I got home and did just that.  She kinda shoed me off but not before I could love her.  As I was seeing my self off i heard her enter the bathroom.  I slipped my shoes off and ventured in.  There heaving up straight bile.  More back rubbing.  Only a short time before took a new med for nausia which seem to make her feel worse.  God. Dear God.  She is suffering.  I want to be there and I will every single chance I can.  I will.  I talked to all my siblings and they are all arranged to come out to stay for a time each with mom.  This is not an easy time.  But oddly I feel blessed.
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Reply by NatR
09 Feb 2013, 4:54 PM

Dear Nannypoo

the words you type give insight into your love and concern for your mom despite disagreements. 

There is nothing, and I repeat Nothing worse than watching a loved one suffer, be so ill.

i am so glad that you are able to comfort your mom, glad you were there at the moment she needed you.

so glad you are rallying the family to cover all the time that you can, to help your mom

Let us know how you are doing, and how the past few days have been

sending you a virtual hug - special thoughts and strength as you do the right thing for your mom

best wishes
NatR ;)
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
17 Apr 2015, 4:12 PM

Hi Nannypoo,

It has been quite some time since you've visited. I wanted to check in and see who you are doing.
Thinking of you.
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