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03 Mar 2013, 6:34 PM

Dear NiteLad,

What a heart wrenching position you are in. We are listening and here when you need us. I wish you strength and courage to be there for your mother while at the same time allowing yourself to be that young child who has is losing his Daddy. 
Our thoughts are with you.
Sincerely,
Colleen 
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Reply by marstin
03 Mar 2013, 7:01 PM

Hi Nitelad,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I can feel your pain and uncertainty. For each of us that have to deal with loss it is a different journey. I was with both of my parents as they passed although my dad and I were always at odds. My mom was in comfort care the last two weeks of her life and was unable to speak above a whisper. I do remember her speaking loudly and clearly to my 23 year old suddenly one day and said 'Let's get out of here'. My daughter said' Where are we going Grandma?' and my mom shrugged her shoulders and said 'I don't know'. She had thrown off her covers and was ready to go. It was so heartbreaking. It's like they regain a bit of strength just before the end.We spent nearly every waking moment with her until she passed, but that is not always the 'right' decision. I don't believe that there is one. Whatever you decide to do is right. For your mom, although life hasn't always been great throughout the years with your dad, the love is still there and it is wonderful that she can care for him so gently.

How do people get through this? That's a tough question. For myself having suffered a double loss, I wasn't really sure how I was going to do it. Even now 7 1/2 months since my husband's passing and 5 months since my mom, I am still not fully functional. There is such a range of emotions and none of them make sense. All I can say is that you face each day, each moment as it comes. Don't expect things from yourself other than to keep breathing and allow yourself to feel the emotions.

This forum has been such a support to me throughout my journey. No one to judge or tell you what you should be doing, just loads of love and comfort from those that understand.

I send you many hugs to help you through this painful time. Please let us know if there is something that can be done to help you.

Tracie
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Reply by NiteLad
04 Mar 2013, 3:42 AM

Hi everyone.  No new news.  Dad is still hanging on.  Mom is not leaving his side.  They don't think it will be long now.  I have stayed at home, and have been coping by cleaning - ok, detailing - the house.  Feeling conflicted about staying home versus sitting by his side.  But I just can't watch him die.  I know my Mom understands, and tells me to just remember Dad as I last saw him, as he has declined even further.  I know my Dad would rather I didn't see him die either.  And I really don't want to be there either.  But it is still tearing me up.

So I have been cleaning... and cleaning... and doing laundry... and cleaning.

I don't think anyone can 'do' anything.... but just reading my words and letting me know I am not alone does help.  And letting me know others have made it through this nightmare.  A day at a time.

Love and Peace....  NiteLad 
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Reply by marstin
04 Mar 2013, 5:37 AM

Thanks NIteLad for sharing again. I believe that things go the way that they are supposed to go. When my husband passed, I was not by his side. I had checked on him about an hour and a half before and given him his medication. By this point he needed medication every hour. We were getting legally married that day and I hoped to get just a few more minutes rest. I awoke at 3am thinking my youngest daughter had gone downstairs to administer it but she followed me about 5 minutes later. when she went to give him his medication she found that he had passed. Part of me feels a bit of guilt that I wasn't there at that moment, but the other part of me believes that it was meant to be that way. I think he woke us up on his way out. The suffering was over for him as it will soon be for your Dad. Remember the happier moments and know that you were a great son even when it wasn't easy to be. Although there are no words that will bring you consolation, just know that you have support at your fingertips.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by NiteLad
05 Mar 2013, 5:43 AM

Hello everyone.

Dad slipped away at about 430 this morning.  Mom juat appeared at my bedside to say he was gone and hold me.  I have been in a haze all day and have been on some heavy duty medication from the doctor.  But at this point I think that is good - to be somewhat numb and just sleep.  Rather than throwing up and having a migraine.  THe service will be two weeks away, which is good as I could not deal with a mass panic to get things set up any sooner.

And Tracie..... funny thing.  At about 400-415am I was woken by the sound of what I swore was someone dropping their shoes onto the mat by the from door entryway.  I went up to check, but nothing there.  So I went wack to bed.  It turns out that was around when Dad died.  Dropping his shoes off on the way out?  Very weird.

Will keep writing.... just wanted to let you all know Dad's pain is over.  Going to sleep and rest more, my brain if not so much my body.  And loving that I have my little cat sticking close to my side and sleeping almost ON me.  She knows.  These little creatures know when we need comfort.

Peace.....  NiteLad 
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Reply by marstin
05 Mar 2013, 6:23 AM

Hi NiteLad,

I was thinking about you all day and had a sinking feeling that your dad's time had come. I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this pain. It's a long journey and not an easy one so just take each day as it comes and don't expect much from yourself. We waited a month before we had my husbands memorial so that I had time to work out a few things. We held my mom's a week after she passed, on what would have been her 87th Birthday. It was a very special day.

It does sound like your dad came home to say goodbye. Our dog, who was Len's adoring fan, still gets up in the middle of the night and appears to be playing with someone and almost smiling when she looks towards the headboard of the bed. They say that small children and animals are more in tune than the rest of us. I'd like to believe it's so.

Please keep in touch and let me know how you and your family are doing. I'm here for you whenever you need to talk. Take care of yourself.

Hugs to you,
Tracie
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05 Mar 2013, 1:47 PM

Dear NiteLad,

My sincere condolences. Tracie's words to you are perfectly beautiful. I echo their sentiment and offer my thoughts of peace for you and your family. I look forward to your messages as you travel this next segment of the journey.

Take care of yourself and remember we're here when you need us.
Colleen 
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Reply by NiteLad
08 Mar 2013, 4:45 AM

Hello friends.....
 
I am doing OK.  Not great, but better than yesterday.  And yesterday was better than the day before.  We have had lots of friends and neighbours drop by with flowers and meals, so we have not had to think too much too soon.  I saw my family Doctor on monday morning, and got some anti-anxiety medication for a few days to get me through the worst part of the grief.  I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping and eating.  I am glad the memorial is not until next week because I think my head would explode if it was sooner.
 
I had a shower the other morning when no one else was home, and used up ALL the hot water.  That sort of thing used to drive my Dad crazy, so it felt kind of naughty and made me smile.  I also had ice cream for dinner the last two nights as it is all I really felt like.  Seems like I am still feeling like a little boy, not a grown man..... but that's ok.  I am sleeping a lot - medicated sleep - but I am OK with that as well.  I went out for a walk today, and for the first time felt like I was starting to come out of that dark cave.
 
My Mom and Sister are the ones mostly organizing the memorial, which is fine with me.  I think that is how they are coping with things.  I just can't ... especially with how controlling and rigid my sister is getting about "how things should be".  I have almost told her to F* off a few times.  That is the only thing really upsetting me family wise.  For the most part I think we are still in a bit of shock.
 
Hanging in there.....
 
NiteLad
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Reply by Plum1
08 Mar 2013, 4:57 PM

Dear Nitelad,

How poignantly and truthfully you describe your feelings! My heart is aching too as I read your message. I am wondering whether your father has lived through the night.

How difficult for you as you wish to respect your father's possible feelings of discomfort at his children seeing him in such a vulnerable condition, and yet feel so badly at losing your Daddy and wanting to be with him to the end. And then acknowledging that you hope he will die because you cannot bear another day of struggle and inner pain. Just no way out of such a heart-wrenching and exhausting vigil. I pray for your strength to face whatever each day and night brings.

Your mother sounds amazing! There is a strength, coming from love, which is shining in her, and being expressed in tenderness. Perhaps it is this very intimate time between your Dad and Mom which is most important for your Dad as he leaves this life.

You are a remarkable family. The love you have for each other will surely continue after your Dad does die, and it will give you the courage to enter your grief. I also trust that whatever healing is still needed with regard to your relationship with your Dad will take place gently and surely.

Sending you energy of love and peace,
Plum1
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Reply by Plum1
08 Mar 2013, 5:08 PM

Dear Nitelad,

Having been away from the Forum, I was a little behind in al the developments in your life when writing my last message.  Now, I realize that your Dad has, indeed, passed away. It has been an extremely intense time for all of your family - certainly for you. Each of you has responded, and is stil responding, as the person you are. It is good that you can let your sister do what she needs to do, in her way. That is giving you time to recover physically and emotionally.

I am glad to hear that you are receiving support from family and friends. That is important, and so healing. And I am glad that you are accepting the medical support you need. It is very important for you to get all the sleep you need.

Things do often unfold in a way that is best. I am glad for you that the Memorial will be next week when you will likely be more able to enter into it as you wish.

For now, I offer my deepest sympathy and love in your loss. I honour the little boy in you who has lost his Daddy. I pray for all that you need at this time.

Plum1
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