It has been a lot of time since I have written. I have been reading a lot of other peoples posts and have found comfort in them. I realize that there are so many of us out there dealing with terminal illness.

My husband is just continuing to slowly detererate. It is so hard some days to watch him lossing more and more. It makes me so sad. I have been having a hard time sleepiong. I wake up in the night and can't seem to get my mind to shut down. I have tried "going to a happy place", taking over the counter and prescription sleepign pills. But they make me feel so depressed the next day that it isn't worth it.

I still can get out of the house for a few hours at a time and have been doing some volunteer work and go for walks with a friend on a regular basis, weather permitting. But sometimes the sadness overwhelms me.

How do you deal with the long term slowly deterierating of someone you love. Most of the time I can deal with the physical aspects of his detererating. It was hard when I had to help my mother and then my mother-in-law with the daily dressing, undressing etc. But I never thought I would have to also do it for my husband. Today I am just so sad. I seem to tear up over any little thing. And knowing this could still go on for an undetermined amount of time it hard. I do try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes it is just overwhelming and I just want to sit and cry and have a pity party.

I do have good friends who I see, but not as often as I need. I have always been a caregiver and it is hard to realize that sometimes I need someone to take care of me. It is hard to reach out and ask for that care.

I appreciate this forum where I can express how I feel and realize that noone will think less of me for not being the strong one all the time. I don't like feeling so vunerable.

Thank you for "listening" and I did just call a friend just to hear a cheery voice. Most days I can pull it all together and be "ok" but today has just been one of those days that I jsut can't seem to find the energy or strenght to pull it off.

It is the continually day to day with no hope of it getting better and knwoing it is going to only get worse. I was going to do some painting today, but think I will maybe get out for a walk or something else.

I feel the need today for some "normal" interaction. Not sure what that is, but will see waht comes.

It has been to cold and a strong wind, so I didn't get out for a walk. I did get out and ran a bunch of errands and that was good. It helped my mental state. Then On Thursday I went to lunch with one of my daughters and then got a massage and that did a lot to lift my spirits.

I try to go at least once a month for a massage. I find that it really helps, not only physically, but mentally. I have heard that a massage realizes endophins. ALso got good hugs from my daughter. I miss that physical aspect. I hug my grandkids as much as they will let me.

Just having a good conversation is nice. My husband was never much of a talker, but now it is even less. I get tired of hearing myself rattle on with no response. So when  I go walking with a friend I talk non stop. Fortunately she understands and is a real talker herself. I do miss that ineraction when we can't walk.

Have you read the conversation started by eKIM: Self Care for the Caregiver and the Child Within

I think eKim and the others sharing on this thread would welcome discussing this concept. I invite you to post a message there or perhaps to this thread started by eKIM as well.