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Reply by sunflower1973

27 May 2013, 2:03 AM

Hi all,

I am feeling very stretched in all directions going to appointments with my mom, my own family and career. I use my calendar tool in my phone and it seems to go ok. I am scared one day i will forget something important but till that time I will carry on. My mom was staged, she has stage 1 class 2 breast cancer caused by too much estrogen. She has seen her onocologist and is now on Tamoxifen and hasn't had any side effects so far (knock on wood). She will start her sixteen sessions of Raditation next week. Going to these appointments with my mom is emotionally draining. My dad was doing ok for a whiie but he has shortness of breath again and will not tell the doctor. I guess it is his choice and have to respect that but it hurts a lot. I am beyond crying I am just exhusted and carrying the stress in my muscles. I am taking care of myself and going to chiro and bi monthly messages and try to do yoga and walk when I can.

take care,
Sunflower

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Reply by NatR

27 May 2013, 2:36 AM

Dear sunflower,

it sounds like you have a lot going on, for sure. I am glad you are taking time for you.

is there any way that you can attend a doctor appt with your Dad? Maybe then you can get him to come clean with the symptoms he is having?

I hope that you can ease your worries somehow - and if yoi cant get your dad to deal with his health problem - then you may have to just let it sort itself out.

hoping you get some rest tonight - sending you best wishes
NatR

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Reply by sunflower1973

27 May 2013, 3:23 AM

NatR

My dad has his next onocologist appt. in July. My mom has said she will say she is having a side effect day and will have me go with him, I hope that helps.

Thanks for the well wishes.
Sunflower

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

27 May 2013, 2:59 PM

Hi Sunflower,

I've experienced a similar situation with my father. Early on, he had said to me that the only thing he feared about dying was pain. I assured him that whatever made him uncomfortable, the palliative care team would help him. But I also told him that he had to describe his pain and not be brave about it. So often we want to show doctors that we can handle things. I know I do that. But that puts the burden on the health professionals to guess who we feel.

Sounds like a reasonable conversation right? Ah, but here is where I went wrong. I went with my father to his appointments and sometimes "filled in the blanks" on his description of his symptoms. I had his consent to do so, but he was getting more and more frustrated with my "help" as time went on. He didn't say anything, but he was getting angry. I had taken away his control under the guise of help.

Long story short, I have learned to step back. He is managing his symptoms with his care team his way on his terms. We both feel much better. It's better for our relationship and he knows I'll be there when he can't talk for himself.

Having said all that, every situation is different. Perhaps you could have a moment to talk to your Dad's doctor, nurse or social worker and tell him or her about your concerns. They are there for you too. This is new territory not only for your Dad but for you and your Mom. You can ask our professional team about communicating with your Dad's palliative care team. Just go to this link:

Ask a Professional

I hope this helps.
Colleen

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