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Reply by marstin

27 Aug 2013, 6:32 AM

Hi Pollyanna

It truly is difficult to understand how life for those around us just goes on as it always has when our worlds have been shattered. The laughter, the talk of doing things with partners that not so long ago were part of our normal lives too. I remember feeling like I was in a fog and not sure just which way to turn. Even going to buy groceries was extremely painful because each time I reached for something I realized I was reaching for something that he would have wanted. Yes, you are right the first year is a huge struggle and although I have just passed that milestone I must admit that I still find myself crying at the drop of a hat. It is a day by day process and truly is a roller coaster of emotions. I believe the love you hold in your heart is yours forever and his memory will never leave you but as time goes on, the pain will very slowly ease a little bit. Don't expect too much from yourself, you are very fragile right now. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve and your emotions are bound to be all over the place. Surround yourself with people that will support you on this journey and always know that we are here to walk beside you and listen to you whenever you need to talk.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by NatR

27 Aug 2013, 12:10 PM

Good morning Pollyanna,

you are right - Life is unfair. There are no guarantees of long and happy lives, no guarantees of good health, no guarantees of anything, it's terribly unfair.

your dream of you and your husband being together is gone, but you just need to remember one thing. You had his love and he had yours right up to the end. What a gift you have him. And you will always love him. That won't change.

its really hard to see beyond the pain but you will. My advice to you is to speak to your doctor about some medication that will help you cope. Honestly, you will not be grieving any less. You will just be able to handle it better.

i don't push drugs I am not a medical professional but I do know that life crisis are hard to take - and we are all different in our reactions and abilities.
At least talk to someone about it. Don't get buried in pain. You are not being disloyal to your husband.

keep in touch and i hope that today you can feel supported, strengthened. We all need someone to lean on.

Sending you a big hug.
best wishes
NatR

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

28 Aug 2013, 1:12 PM

Hi Marstin, Pollyanna, Nanalovesu and everyone else on this thread.

Would you please join me in welcoming a new member Angie6. She just started a new thread here:

My sweet 49 year old husband just died.

Let's let her know she's not alone.
Thanks
Colleen

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Reply by sickness

29 Aug 2013, 3:03 AM

Pollyanna...

i'm hearing your pain and deep sorrow. Why,why,why is a million dollar question.... I ask that question fairly often... There are murders, pedophilers, etc that are out in this world and they get to grow old?! Why.... And then cancer , stupid cancer, comes along and effects and takes the good ones!? Why?

Keep busy, keep strong, and yes you are a strong person, even if you feel like the weakest person alive right now. Love your boys, be there for them and lean on them for support too!

The deep love that it sounds like you had with your hubby, You will never forget his touch, smell and voice. treasure them always.

(( hugs ))
Nadine

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Reply by pollyanna

22 Sep 2013, 4:26 PM

Hi there, I have not posted for awhile, just dealing with many firsts! I see a counsellor and have joined a support group. I can't believe how many of us are out there.
I went and watched my late hubby's ball team play two nights ago and I kept looking for him or feeling like I would get to talk to him after the game finished. NOT!
It has been 7 weeks but it still does not seem real sometimes. Everybody says to me that I have been through so much the last year and a half but I would do it all over again to have him back at home!
This week is my birthday and he always would sneak off to DQ and buy me a cake,hide it in the freezer where I would eventually see it and have to pretend I hadn't and then act surprised when he brought it out.LOL I will really miss that :(
So many things I miss about him even his perfect imperfections as I called them that sometimes drove me crazy but oh how I would do anything to let him drive me crazy again.
I almost feel like I have post traumatic stress from watching him the last week of his life as he slowly slipped away. It's painful to watch your love one die.
My oldest son kept his friend alive one week ago after that friend fell off the back of a truck, banged his head an suffered a brain injury, the friend passed away four days later when the life support was unplugged. Now, I am so worried about my son as he was just getting back on his feet after losing his Dad only to have this happen :(
Life is so unfair...
the unfairness of it ALL makes me angry!
taking my Mom to church, tty soon
Pollyanna

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Reply by JennJilks

22 Sep 2013, 4:42 PM

Unfortunately, life isn't fair. There are only lessons.
The pain in watching your husband die will lessen as you recall the good times.
Good things happen to good people, as well as bad things.

Hopefully, your son learned much about death and dying while caring for his father. I'm sorry you are in pain.
Life just is. My children are wrestling with a family whose 8-year-old is palliative with a brain tumour. It is painful for all. But there are lessons for the rest of us.
I hope your chlidren treat you to a special birthday.
Remember to celebrate the time of your husband's birth and do not dwell on his death.

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Reply by marstin

22 Sep 2013, 6:52 PM

Hi Pollyanna,

It is so difficult to watch a loved one at the end of life and know that there is nothing that you can do except be there. With a year behind me, I can say that some of the horrible things that I witnessed have slipped away to be replaced with happier memories. I'm not saying that it's always like that and I still have moments that bring back all of the pain in a rush but it does subside a bit. Your grief is still so fresh and raw and I remember so clearly how difficult it was not to conjure up those final days. I still to this day have times when I'm somewhere that we used to go together and can envision him standing beside me and miss him so terribly. It truly is a day by day process that has many dips and turns. Please be gentle with yourself and do not have any expectations as to how you should feel. We all grieve and heal in different ways.

I am so sorry for what your son is dealing with. My youngest daughter (21) was the one to be the first to witness that her dad had passed on when she volunteered to go give him his medicine. My heart broke for her, she was daddy's girl. The following day my mom, who was like my daughter's second mom, was admitted to hospital. For weeks we went daily to the hospital to spend time with her so we didn't even have a chance to grieve Len's passing as we put our heart and soul into caring for my mom. We lost her 7 1/2 weeks later. Even our social worker at the hospital was devastated by our losses as she had been Len's, then my mom's social worker. Life can be so cruel. In this past year there has been so much pain for myself and my daughters and I worry about them constantly. We have drawn so much closer to each other and faced many challenges along the way. My oldest daughter (23) in her wisdom has said that people she has known for years expect her to be the same person she was before all of this happened. She said that in many ways it's easier to be around people who didn't know her before tragedy struck because she is not the same person at all. She has shut down in many ways. My youngest still climbs into my bed each night and talks about her fears and how badly she misses her dad and grandma. I think we all find our way somehow but it's never easy. Even last night my oldest sent me a message saying that one of Len's old friends had messaged her and said to say hi to her dad. Even after a year it's like tearing a bandage off when you bump into or talk to someone who doesn't know of the loss.

Like JennJilks said I hope that when your birthday arrives, that your children will remember what your husband used to do for you on that special day and treat you to those special touches. My daughter's always make sure that I get a box of Purdie's chocolates from their dad on special occasions in memory of how he pampered me.

I hear your anger and understand it so well. As with tears, pain and loneliness the anger is such a huge part of this healing process. It's not a pretty thing but it is okay to vent. I am happy to hear that you are in councelling. I waited nearly a year and truly wish I had begun earlier but I guess it just wasn't the right time for me. I do know that being in a group of people who truly understand makes a huge difference.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

22 Oct 2013, 3:10 PM

Hi everyone,

BevB just joined our community. Her husband has terminal cancer and she doesn't know what to expect. I'm sure you can relate. See her message here:

newbie here...husband has terminal cancer

Let's let her know she's not alone.
Thanks
Colleen

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Reply by KathCull_admin

11 Nov 2015, 4:31 PM

Hello everyone,
The last post on this thread was written before I became part of this community. But here in November 2015 it has been so helpful for me - as I am sure many others have found. My husband died in August of this year and I find myself thinking and feeling many of the things you have described.

I too find the words, “How are you doing?” difficult to answer. How am I doing? I don’t know.

As I begin this part of my life as a widow I am wondering what the last couple of years have brought you. What advice or suggestions would you make?

Thank you again for the words you have written because of the experiences you have been through. They have comforted me.

Katherine

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Reply by NatR

11 Nov 2015, 7:30 PM

Hi Katherine
i cant offer you the support answers you need but despite that - I am sending you loads of good thoughts, and hope that one day at a time - you will find your way through the difficult parts of this journey.

best wishes always
NatR xx

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