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It's affecting my relationship 
Started by Springday
25 Jul 2013, 1:45 AM

My mom had had cancer for two years and has now been in hospice for a month. She is suffering greatly and the last two years have been extremely challenging. I am feeling so much grief and anger and have not been very graceful at times. I take anger out on my partner and for some reason feel sudden and recent insecurity in my relationship. I constantly feel like I am not getting "enough" of anything from him and seem to be coming from a place of "lack" which is not what I want. We fight almost every day which is adding stress to an already very horrible situation. My poor mom has very little peace or grace right now which I hope will chance before she passes. Please help...these emotions are all so confusing.
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Reply by marstin
25 Jul 2013, 5:42 AM

Hi Paige,

I'm glad that you have found this site. Here you can vent all that you want and those of us on here will do our best to support you. I have not been in your shoes but did lose my husband to cancer a year ago and my mom within weeks of that. I remember trying to be there for both of them as they each battled their own health issues and feeling so torn. The grieving starts long before the actual loss, and anger is a normal feeling. I wonder if your husband is just feeling inadequate and truly doesn't know how to make you feel better. You are so wounded right now wanting your mom to survive but in other ways wanting her to just not hurt anymore. It's difficult to find the energy to put into anything more than caring for this lady who gave you life and yet I'm sure your husband is probably feeling shut out. Men think so differently from us and with it not being his parent that is so ill, it's probably difficult for him to understand that you are not really attacking him, it's that you feel so helpless and frightened.

I'm sure that others will answer your posting also with their words of support. Just know that we are here for you whenever you need to talk.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Springday
25 Jul 2013, 7:39 AM

Thank you so much Tracie, and your words make alot of sense to me :)
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Reply by Springday
25 Jul 2013, 10:02 PM

And yes, men DO think differently for sure. He thinks I am always on the attack and angry at him and he says I always seem like I am "lacking"...that he doesn't give enough or nurture enough or support enough...I suppose he's right in some aspects ...this is all very confusing.
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Reply by marstin
25 Jul 2013, 10:45 PM

Paige, do you have any other outlet for your emotions? Do you go for walks or run or work in the garden? I found that simple gardening helped release some of my emotions since I wasn't able to run or walk very far. Do you have any children? It would probably help your state of mind if you could find a way to take your mind off of things if only for a short time each day. With your mom in hospice care, you may be able to find a councellor to help you to understand why you are feeling like you are and possibly be able to explain it to your husband as well. You are under so much pressure right now and I'm guessing that you feel like you're just going to blow up.

Just remember to take care of yourself. It's an important thing in all of this and yet so often we forget that we need to be kind to ourselves when our lives are in turmoil.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Springday
26 Jul 2013, 2:13 AM

Tracie, yes I have outlets such as hiking most days, playing music in my band, counselling, talking to friends/ family. I don't have children and I try to take time each day for myself to meditate/ pray. But there is something in my relationship that just feels off. I can't put my finger on it...I constantly have a knot in my gut about it.
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Reply by marstin
02 Aug 2013, 6:28 PM

Hi,

Just wondered how you are doing?

Tracie
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Reply by Springday
02 Aug 2013, 6:43 PM

Hi tracie! Thank you for checking on me...it gave me a warm fuzzy on a day where i really needed it. I'm ok but this is a time in my life that I wasn't prepared for (maybe one is never prepared for it)...unfortunately mom continues to suffer ...pain, nausea, heavy sedation , depression and anxiety. It is agonizing to see her this way...she is not eating or drinking much and is so weak. And my partner continues to feel the need to fight me...my emotions are all over the map and I certainly have a short fuse right now and am more  grumpy and irritable and intolerant than usual, but he has no tolerance for that it seems. it is SO important for him to be right and make a point that he has to REACT and "call me on my behaviors "....so then it turns into a fight and I DON'T WANT FIGHT IN MY LIFE...especially right now...I've tried explaining this to him and talking til I'm. Blue in the face and asking for some patience and compassion from him right now but he insists on getting defensive and argumentative...sorry for venting :(
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Reply by Springday
02 Aug 2013, 6:48 PM

Oh no... somehow I replied the same message several times! Does anyone know how I delete them? Sorry about that :)
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
02 Aug 2013, 7:11 PM

No problem. I've deleted the repeated messages.
Colleen 
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