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Reply by marstin
02 Aug 2013, 7:34 PM

Hi,

Oops. I have no idea on how to delete postings but maybe Colleen will know how.

Just wondered if you are spending more time with your mom since she went into hospice or if the amount of time you are with her is about the same as it has been the past two years? Although I haven't personally gone through what's happening with you and your husband, I witnessed it with my brother and his wife when my mom was in comfort care and her time was running out. My sister in law has always been used to being pampered and the focus in his life and I felt like she got jealous of the amount of time that was being dedicated to my mom. She had visitors come and stay at their house for a week so that my brother was torn between spending time with our mom and feeling forced to entertain to please his wife. His wife won in that situation because he had to live with her. This kind of situation was a repeat from when my dad was close to passing away, she took my brother on a cruise.  I can only guess that those who have never had to share their partner with anyone else, become jealous that the focus isn't on them for once. When my brother told me of his plight, I told him it was time to stand up his wife and let her know that he was going to spend this last bit of time with our mom. I think mom passed away that day or the next so he never had to fight his wife. I don't know what the answer is in dealing with your husband but it does sound like he resents that you are not putting his wants and needs first. How can you, this is your mom.

Keep on venting and don't apologize for it. We are here to listen and support you.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Springday
02 Aug 2013, 8:09 PM

Yes I am spending more time with mom lately for sure! I don't think he is jealous- it's more the other way around- he is so self centered that I am not feeling supported by him...
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Reply by marstin
02 Aug 2013, 8:43 PM

It could just be that he doesn't know how to supportive and is trying to be strong for you. Also because you are feeling so angry, he's feeling vulnerable and not sure just how to help you. Pain so often comes out as anger and I'm sure he's also in pain watching what you are going through and not quite knowing what to do. It's hard to find a balance when there is so much sadness happening. Maybe just give him a big old hug and see what happens. The two of you need to find a way to get on the same page somehow.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Springday
20 Aug 2013, 9:44 AM

my anger is out of control and I don't know what to do with it. I have pretty much ruined my relationship with my partner and will self destruct soon if i don't get a grip. I don't have time for lengthy phychological work ups or therapy because I am in crisis now. do you have any practical things i can do now to help me and to properly direct my anger? All that comes out are my feelings of lack from my partner...that he is inadequate and not meeting my expectations for support during this difficult time. I am hurting so bad and so angry. Please help. I will also post this to the forum. Thank you.
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20 Aug 2013, 12:49 PM

Dear Springday,
Your distress is tangible, even through the words on the screen. My heart goes out to you. I don't think there are simple solutions, but you are wise for recognizing that you can help yourself by redirecting your anger. That's the first step. But where to go from there? I'm going to encourage more people to join this conversations. Hopefully it will help to just know that we're here. 
Colleen 
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Reply by Springday
20 Aug 2013, 1:04 PM

maybe if I had one or two people willing to hear my anger for a few days...it is sure alot to ask though.
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Reply by NatR
20 Aug 2013, 1:54 PM

Dear Springday, 

have read the above messages and feel so much like giving you a hug right now.

not only are you dealing with the illness and impending loss of your mom,  but you are getting little or no support from your husband.

not knowing you in any way, but having gone through some learning curves in my life ( ongoing process I am afraid) please Insert smile here  :) - I want to throw you a life preserver of sorts.

Tracie gave you wonderful advice and support - regarding counselling, talking things out, distractions and down time - all great things to try - and it sounds like you are doing some of those.

my comment on all those distractions is that they would work 100% of the time if we could just take our brains out  - really stop thinking about all the bad and scary things - then pop it back on after a much needed break!

since we can't do that, we carry our worries and concerns in the back of our thoughts always.

Being a caregiver, being a daughter caring for her mother, you deserve all the kindness and  support you can get.

here on the Forum, you have the perfect place.  We don't judge, we have felt grief and loss, we try to help you and others as you go though that tough time.

i know things are overwhelming you.  I hear you saying that your husband seems to be expecting more from you and he can't give you what you need either 

by the way, you do deserve all the support you can get.  If he can't give it, rely on those who can.  Try to avoid a big argument or battle, but carry on doing what you feel in your heart to do.

you Can  do this.  Your mom deserves your attention and love.

so keep strong - keep focused And come here to cry, shout, vent, or what ever you need to do

You matter, you are doing your best.  One thing at a time is enough - try and avoid  arguments and extra stress - I know - an impossible task, but still hoping you can try 

sending you a big hug for all you are carrying, for all you are doing for your mom.

best wishes, take a deep breath and write back,
you are not alone,
sincerely,
NatR

 
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Reply by marstin
20 Aug 2013, 4:27 PM

Hi Springday,

Do you have a gym near you? When my anger gets out of control (yes, even now almost a year later) I envision a punching bag. I think that physical exertion is about the only way to deal with the pain you are in. Short of that you might be able to get something from your doctor to help keep you calm. I also found that venting on here helped me keep my sanity when I truly thought that I would lose it. I had few people around me who understood what I was going through and then came upon this group of strangers on here who I am now proud to call my friends. We are all here to listen to your anger, your fears and most of all to be able to understand the pain you are going through. You are not alone.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Springday
20 Aug 2013, 5:12 PM

I definitely felt some relief in reading your responses. Thank you. Yes, I will just need to come here to vent before I vent in my boyfriend. he doesn't expect anything from me...it's more that I have expectations of him kind support and bottom line is that he is either not able or willing to give me the kinsquander amount of love, support and state notion that I want. This is an issue bigger than this situation- it is a thread woven thruought our relationship. This is the source of me anger- I am in a constant state of disappointment, insecurity, doubt, feeling rejected and unimportant, hurt and anger...totally toxic- I understand but can't seem to shift it now- it has magnified 100 times with the present situation
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04 Sep 2013, 2:03 PM

Hi Springday,

I've been thinking about you and wondering how your mom is doing. It's been a few days since you posted to withdrawn. How are you managing?

I ask all these questions, but have no expectation that you answer. It may be difficult to do so right now. Just know that we are here when and if you need a virtual shoulder.
Take care.
Colleen
 
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