Discussion Forums



withdrawn 
Started by Springday
15 Aug 2013, 8:04 AM

mom has become very withdrawn and has a fairly "flat" affect much of the time. this change has ocurred just in the last 3 days of a 7 week stay in hospice. She has not talked about her death and i don't see the point now in forcing the issue. especially now that she seems shut down. Is this a normal or commin response for the dying person? Or is she depressed and scared and needing me to encourage her to talk? I don't know what to do for her.
Report this post      
 
Reply by Digger
16 Aug 2013, 3:27 PM

Sounds like your Mom is having the experience that is appropriate for her, as are you. However, you can help with the fear and depression by being present and bearing witness to it. Often this is done by acknowledgeing the fear, breathing in time with her, holding her hand, massageng feet, etc.


Use binary communication if you need a response. 'Squeeze my hand if you are afraid' or thirsty or in pain, are examples of this. Conversation may require more energy than your Mom has right now and as she engages her dying there is less and less interest in the outside world - normal in my experience.

Assuming she is not in pain, there is nothing to do except to be a compassionate presence.


Dale 
http://companioningeol.blogspot.ca/
Report this post      
 
Reply by marstin
17 Aug 2013, 1:56 AM

Hi Springday,

I don't think what is happening with your mom is uncommon. On my mom's final days my daughters, niece and I spent most of our time gathered around her and talked about the good old days and what was going on in our lives. My niece would fix her hair and put her moisturizer on her and do mini massages. Sometimes she would be awake but often she would sleep. I think that just knowing someone is there brings them comfort. I don't think that you need to encourage her to talk, just being there is probably enough. She feels your love even if she lays there quietly.

I hope that you are taking care of yourself as you go through this. It can feel like an all consuming time in your life but you are important too and I know too well how easy it is to forget that.

Hugs to you,
Tracie
Report this post      
 
Reply by Springday
17 Aug 2013, 10:01 AM

Thank you. I now have a big decision to make. Do I go away for my one week vacation that is all bought and paid for? I need to ask mysekf "if mom died when I'm away, would I be ok?" I don't know the answer to this...it is a very hard decision for me. Any thoughts? I wish there was a live chat option on this website so I could talk to someone now :)
Report this post      
 
Reply by marstin
17 Aug 2013, 3:05 PM

Hi Springday,

That is a tough decision to make. I guess what you need to ask yourself is what would your mom say for you to do? When my dad was quite ill my brother had a cruise booked and my dad told him that he should go. He went, feeling quite torn about it but with my dad's blessing. A few days later my dad passed away. I think that because our parents have always put us before themselves, that this is how it was meant to be. Have you talked to the nurses or doctor about this? When is your holiday booked for? I can feel the pain and fear in your words and wish I had words of wisdom to give you. There truly is no right answer. Sometimes I think that our loved ones hang on for our sake. I know my mom kept battling right until the end because of wanting to help me deal with the death of my husband and not wanting me to do it all alone. Is your mom still able to respond to you? If so, ask her what she thinks. I know that in the end we all have our feelings of guilt for things we did or didn't do but also need to realize that our parents always wanted what's best for us.

Hugs to you,
Tracie
Report this post      
 
Reply by Springday
18 Aug 2013, 5:27 AM

I decided to cancel vacation and stay close to mom. 
Report this post      
 
Reply by marstin
18 Aug 2013, 6:28 AM

Hi Springday,

It's good to hear that you were able to make a decision on such a difficult thing. You are a wonderful daughter and it shows what an incredible bond you have with your mom. Each moment that you have with her will be a memory that you will be able to relive again and again in years to come. Although I would never have tried to lead you in any direction, I think you have made the right choice for your peace of mind. I know that I felt so fortunate to be with my mom right up until the end. It is a very difficult time yet the love that is felt is so deep and so beautiful.

Hugs,
Tracie
Report this post      
 
Reply by moderator | modératrice
25 Aug 2013, 1:46 PM

Springday,

How is your mom doing? How are you?
Thinking about you.
Colleen 
Report this post      
 
Reply by Springday
25 Aug 2013, 6:28 PM

Hi there. Mom actually woke up yesterday and was present and alert for most of the day. I have heard that this calm before the storm day is common? Or maybe she is rallying a bit? The day before that she didn't wake up at all. The staff had to finally wake her at 2am. It makes it a little confusing for everyone...especially her.
Report this post