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New here, husband has terminal cancer 
Started by Cowtown
08 Sep 2013, 4:32 AM
I'm just going to make this short and sweet. 
My husband is 39 and was diagnosed with bile duct cancer in January. I'm looking to connect with other caregivers/spouses in similar situations so we can support one another along this journey. 
I won't write our entire story here as I have it all documented on my blog at www.ihatetheshower.blogspot.com (I hope me posting that is ok? Like I said, I'm new)
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Reply by marstin
08 Sep 2013, 5:53 AM
Hi Cowtown,

I just read some of your blog (I'm also not sure about whether it's allowed or not even though I've been coming here for about a year now) and thought I would respond just to welcome you here. On this site you will find people who are dealing with issues similar to yours, some like me who have dealt with things similar to yours in the past, and many caring hearts. Most of us have been brought together by the common bond of needing a place to vent and share our emotions while dealing with the illness of loved ones.

How difficult it sounds to have so many relatives showing up at your home when probably all that you want is to spend alone time with your husband. Although I know that they mean well and are concerned about him. it might have been a better idea for them to at least check it out with you to see what your feelings were about them staying there. No wonder you are so emotional. You're already dealing with a disease that you have no control over and now have lost control of your home.

I remember the heartbreak of watching my guy in so much pain and the horrible weight loss and the lack of energy. It is a difficult thing to watch and know that you can't do anything. Please don't beat yourself up for crying, it's not a weakness. You have every right to cry,rage and feel all of the other emotions that are happening right now. Your world has been turned upside down and you're probably so frightened by all of this change.

I'm sure that there will be others who will answer your post. We are like a virtual family of shoulders to lean on and I encourage you to continue to share the load with us, we are here for you.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
08 Sep 2013, 12:13 PM
Hi Cowtown,

Welcome to Virtual Hospice.

First off, to clarify the rules around sharing personal blogs - absolutely okay. JennJilks, Mark99 and Passirose also share some of their blog posts (either as links or cutting and pasting excerpts) when things they've written are relevant to a conversation here. Other people link to articles they found helpful and relevant. Commercial postings - selling services or goods - are understandably frowned upon. Personal blogs usually don't fall into this category and your definitely doesn't.

I'm glad you've met Marstin. She is such a supportive force in our community. There are several people caring for their partners. For example, please meet:
There are also other members, like Marstin, who have been there and will support you along the way. You are not alone.
Colleen 
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Reply by NatR
08 Sep 2013, 1:37 PM
Dear Cowtown,

welcome!
you are in the right place for advice, encouragement and a listening ear.  I will check out your blog.

the biggest part of dealing with serious life issues is how to get through it.  I am so sorry your husband is so sick, so young.  You are the caregiver and spouse, you need an equal amount of support, encouragement and understanding.

i hope you will find that here.
I will watch for your posts and I encourage you to vent, ask questions and draw strength from the circle of support here.

sincerely,
NatR 
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Reply by sickness
09 Sep 2013, 3:18 AM
Hi Cowtown

Welcome!

I have yet to read your blog also, but this is a good site  to be at!
My husband is palliative with colon cancer and is literally being eaten up by this damn disease!  He has been supper amazing with this disease and has been battling this for at least 10 years..he is 52!

i am sorry that your husband is going through his terrible journey....but it is also not easy for the caregiver too!   Be there for him..but also be kind to yourself.

i am going to read your blog......will keep in touch......good luck, stay strong and remember we are here for you through this hell!

Nadine 
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Reply by NatR
09 Sep 2013, 1:22 PM
Dear Cowtown,

good morning :)  I began reading your blog last night - not the whole thing but enough to realize you are swimming in a deep pool by yourself.

i hope you will feel the support here - that you are missing in your real life corner.  I have every sympathy for your husband but you are feeling swamped by the piles of things you need to deal with - kids, hubby, unasked for company who say they are there for your sick husband, their family member - but who also add greatly to your stress level and need to care for them as well.

i hope that you will be able to sit them down and in a kind but firm way / say that they need to do more, that you also need support and assistance

i by no means have the answers but given your circumstances I would also be raging at the world, the moon.

you are not alone - please remember that!
you are among friends who understand your heavy burdens.

hope today is better / sending a cyber hug and support:)
best wishes,
NatR 
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Reply by NatR
11 Sep 2013, 12:09 AM
Hi Cowtown,

how are you doing?  I realize just how much you are dealing with, and wanted you to know you are being encouraged from a distance.

when you have time, let us know how things are.
hope your kids are settling into school - which will give them time with friends, to carry on a routine.  It must be so very hard  to be the mom, spouse, caregiver and decision maker.

you are in my thoughts, and your husband as well
sincerely, 
natR 
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Reply by Cowtown
11 Sep 2013, 3:59 AM
Hello all and thanks for the warm welcome.

Since I started this thread, my husband has been admitted to the hospital. He was getting very dehydrated again because he can't eat or drink and his pain wasn't well managed.
They did another scan which revealed more growth in his lymph nodes, and it has also spread to his liver and small bowel. 
He will remain in the hospital this week while they try a new drug to help with the narrowing of his small bowel, and to get his pain under control.
He's done with chemo now. Focus is on pain management and symptom control.

so how am I doing? Typical me: someone has to stay strong as life still goes on, especially when kids are involved. So far I'm managing with the assistance of some great friends who are providing childcare or dog sitting to allow me time to visit with Darin while he's in the hospital. I'm tired too, but I think some of that is in part due to the crap I've been eating this week as I'm constantly on the run. 

I'm not going to write much more as I'm pretty tired tonight and just want to turn my brain off and read some trashy vampire novels before turning the lights off. 
Again, thanks for the warm welcome and I look forward to the virtual support. :) 
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Reply by marstin
14 Sep 2013, 1:02 AM
Hi Cowtown,

I am sorry that they found that your husband's cancer has spread. How are things going with his pain management? I remember how difficult it can be to find the right balance in medications so that the pain is minimal and yet they can still be alert enough to at least carry on a conversation. It's such a tough time and for you having young ones it has to be even more difficult. How much do the younger ones know about what is going on?

Staying strong is an expectation that we have of ourselves and is sometimes a difficult thing to do. It's good that you have some people that you can depend on to help you out. On this journey you sometimes find that the ones you would expect to step up and help are the ones least capable and some that you don't know well, will go the extra mile. It can be a real eye opener. I remember that from when my world was falling apart and when I came across this site I felt relief that I had found some of The best people with the biggest hearts in the world.

Trying to deal with the reality of what is happening so quickly, trying to carry on with everyday living, and worry about the future can really eat at you. For myself I found that it is easier to just focus on one day at a time and try not to look too far ahead. It just feels a little more manageable and a little less overwhelming.

Are your inlaws still there? I'm hoping that if they are that they at least are being useful.

Take care,
Hugs, Tracie
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Reply by marstin
22 Sep 2013, 6:24 AM
Hi Cowtown,

Just wondering how you are doing. I just happened to read your blog again tonight and was sorry to hear how quickly things are moving for you and your family. It is a very difficult time and I'm glad to hear that you have Darin at home with you. We had my husband at home with us for his final month and i will never regret that time together. That closeness is something that you will carry in your heart forever.

I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you if you need someone to lean on, now or later.

Hugs,
Tracie

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