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An offer of sex...in the midst of this?...oh my 
Started by Bizzy
23 Sep 2013, 10:52 AM

This evening a neighbour came to me and expressed their interest in me sexually.

Two years ago when my partner was first diagnosed with a terminal illness and we hadn't had a sexual relationship in months this happened to me and I was so shocked at my response and so embarrassed I never spoke to anyone about it. Two years ago when my boyfriend had stopped all sexual interaction with me,  I had no idea other people would still approach me. Elizabeth Kubler Ross addressed this situation in one of her books and I realized it was okay that this happened. She also had no judgment and showed how hard a decision it was to be in such a situation.
I've grown some and when it happened this time I was aware of it and handled it.  Nice compliment but I'm not interested. 
I just want to put this out for two reasons.  One,  is to be aware that other people are going to notice that you are not having a sexual relationship and they will offer it or initiate it.  Don't be naive as I was.  It can happen.  Also, it is a difficult decision to make when the pain is so fresh. 
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Reply by marstin
01 Oct 2013, 9:14 PM

Hi Bizzy,

I must say that some guys have the sensitivity of a gnat. I have found in the past year that when you have lost a partner, (or that your partner is terminal) that the creatures come out of the woodwork. They know that you are vulnerable and they are ready to take full advantage of that if they possibly can. Sometimes they want to 'make you feel better' but most times they are just preying on you. This doesn't just happen in a sexual way. Before Len passed away, a guy that called him his best friend came over daily saying that he wanted to buy a house and ours was the one he wanted.You can imagine how well that went I'm sure. As soon as Len passed away this same guy started saying it to me. I finally told him that if he ever said it to me again that he wouldn't be able to walk for a very long time. He got the message but still keeps a close watch on my house waiting for a for sale sign. Another friend of Len's was doing some reno work for us and kept trying to bump the price up. Once Len passed there was many times that I wanted to fire this guy because he was pushing the costs up and working so slow. I kept him on because he was a 'friend', not that I liked his personality, and I believed he was a contractor since he planned on finishing the work around the house that Len hadn't finished. After months of shoddy workmanship and large paychecks, I fired him. He was furious of course. When I said something about being a contractor he cackled and said 'I'm no contractor, I'm a woodworker'. As he was friends with the electricians working here, once he was fired, they stopped coming around. Because of his way of blowing through the money that had been set aside for this, the work never did get finished. I could write a book on the ways that women are taken advantage of because they are widow's. I have learned so much and become very distrusting.

On the flip side of that I have also found strangers who have offered to help with things with no motives in mind, just because they are good people. These type of people are rare but they are out there.

I guess the important thing is to try to be alert to what is going on around you and understanding how many people are out there just to take advantage. Tough thing when you are already broken inside but totally necessary. Becoming a victim will only make a horrible situation even worse.

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Reply by Bizzy
02 Oct 2013, 9:30 AM

Thank you Tracie for illuminating and expanding on this topic.  It never occurred to me that there would be predators in more than one form to look out for in this time of vulnerability but you are so right.  Your insight and experience is going to save me from getting hurt unnecessarily probably a few times over.
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