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Reply by marstin
17 Jul 2014, 9:07 PM

Oh Melinda, I am so saddened to hear that Stan has passed away. This has been such a tough journey for the two of you and you have done an incredible job of caring for him. We just arrived home half an hour ago and as soon as I saw your name in my emails, I was worried. How are you holding up? I don't think we can ever be prepared for that final breath and all of the emotions that come flooding forward at that time. Just know that I here for you as you take these next steps ahead and although they will be hard to handle, you have an incredible amount of support right here. With loving hearts all of us on here will be ready to listen. I only wish that you and I lived closer so that I could give you a huge hug and be there in person.

In my heart and in my prayers,

Tracie
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28 Jul 2014, 1:30 AM

How are you Melinda? I've been thinking about you today.
Colleen 
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Reply by Melinda
28 Jul 2014, 11:47 AM

Hello.  I am doing okay. The awful anxiety of the first week is slowly going away. Last night was the first night I was able to sleep somewhat...though I do remember having vague nightmares. My family has been wonderful and so supportive. Friends have been in and out..lots of phone calls. I actually am craving some time alone. (hope I don't regret those words). I do have a Jack Russell companion and I don't know what I would do without his presence around the house. Though I think today he will miss Stan. They would cuddle up on the couch together while I was at work. Speaking of work, I am going back part time starting today. Hope that goes okay...I have lots of clients and I know they will want to give me their condolences. I had to run to town for something about 4 days after Stan died. Cried all the way home because I kept running into people who wanted to give their condolences...that was really nice....but I found my emotions all over the map.
Stan is in a better place..he was starting to suffer so much the last week. It was so heartbreaking to watch him struggle. It was one of my worst dreads...watching him suffer. I am so grateful for him that he did as well as he did right to the end. And his rose colored glasses stayed firmly in place! It was amazing. He told me he wanted to be put into a coma until it was all over. He told me he loved me (sorry crying right now) and then the nurses started pushing the morphine and he went to sleep until he died the next morning...I really wish we had talked more...but his denial was so strong that he refused to discuss any plans. Can't continue..will write more later. Melinda X0
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28 Jul 2014, 1:01 PM

Dear Melinda,

Thank you for writing this morning. So many journeys and explorations all of which are so emotional. Good luck starting work today. I wouldn't be surprised if you find yourself in a similar situation as when you had to run errands in town. People will offer their condolences. What else can they do? No one will be shocked if there are tears, so don't worry about them. Just have tissues near by and don't expect anything of yourself. Do what you need to do or express to take care of you and don't give a wit for anyone else right now. They will understand.

Don't you wish people could be like animals at times like this? I'm sure you're Jack Russell knows exactly what to do and what not to say. I'm glad you have him. Katherine actually started a thread about pets. Did you see it?

What pets can do

Let us know how work went today if you feel up to it. We'll be thinking of you and virtually be by your side.
Colleen

PS: Feel free to start a new thread if you prefer not to always revisit this one. I'll make sure everyone migrates over (if you wish).
 
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Reply by marstin
28 Jul 2014, 5:54 PM

Hi Melinda,

I thought that I would give you time to grieve with your family and close friends. I remember (vaguely) the first few weeks of dealing with everything and how busy it was. As things begin to settle down and everyone gets back to their normal lives, your time begins to find your new 'normal'. Athough you have dealt with many difficult times in your life, I think each one comes with it's own challenges and pain. Just let those tears flow, you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling.

I believe that pets know more than we give them credit for. Our Bella seems to feel every emotion that happens in our household and when Len passed away she seemed to just know and snuggled in with the rest of us and was sad too. Since she was Len's baby I thought that she might not do so well but in time she rallied around although she still tends to be much more excited when she hears a male voice.

I'm sure that today with be a difficult one for you as you take that step back into your work environment. Maybe for a few moments it will take your mind off of what has happened. Please be gentle with yourself, you are very fragile right now.

Sending you a big, warm hug.

Tracie
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Reply by jorola
29 Jul 2014, 12:38 AM

Hi Melinda,

I know this has been hard for you for so many reasons. I agree withe Tracie - let the tears flow.

I worry you have headed back to work already but you know what is best for you. Some need to get back into routine while others need time away.

try to get some sleep. It is so hard to do anything when we haven't had sleep, isn't it? I find my emotions are right on the surface too without sleep.

I am glad you have your puppy. My pets have been a godsend to me. They are always good for a cuddle or a love. Their unconditonal love is so comforting.

Please take care of yourself.

Jodie
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Reply by Melinda
03 Aug 2014, 7:46 PM

Thank you for all your kind replies. Not having an easy time. The neigbours had company over the past week and listening to all the laughter and family time was really hard. They have included me in various activities but its just not the same..I come home to an empty house.
Feeling lonely even though I have all kinds of people around me. Feeling alot of anxiety and depression. Not all the time, it comes and goes...depending on how tired I am. I know its only been a matter of weeks since Stan passed, put it seems forever. Missing his presence in the house and someone being there..even if he was sleeping all the time. I have never been alone before and I don't care for it. I am okay during the week when I am working but obviously the weekends can be a problem. Must plan things to do!!
A friend of mine is leaving her husband and hinted that she would like to come and stay with me temporarily. I just don't want to deal with her and her issues...but it was so tempting to just have a person around. But now I am glad I said no..no matter how lonely I am, I want to work on just me and be able to have a good cry when I want to.
Also another friend asked me if I wanted to sell various items...that he would be interested.
(Boy, they come out of the woodwork!) I told him I was sitting on everything for at least a year and that I was in no rush to get rid of stuff...and I had to check with my family first.
So it begins!!  Melinda
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Reply by marstin
03 Aug 2014, 8:47 PM

Hi Melinda,

It's good to hear from you. As everyone around you goes on with their regular lives, you are in this deep pit of pain and loneliness and I'm sure it makes you somewhat angry and the question 'Why me?' comes to mind. I don't think I ever felt so alone in my life after losing Len even when there was people around me. You spend so much time with your partner that it's like someone let the air out of a balloon when they're gone. It's such a huge adjustment to go from being a part of a couple to just being alone. Everything was so connected to Stan.

Your choice not to have your friend come and stay with you is probably for the best. Having to explain to someone why there are days when you don't want to speak or even get out of bed is just too much work. I couldn't stand having people watching my every move or teary outbursts. As much as you want people around you, you don't. Most of this is internal pain and you don't want to put on a happy face, you don't have the energy for it. Sometimes you just need to be alone. They aren't what you need to fill the loneliness. You'd just like to turn back the clock and that isn't possible.

Gotta love those people that come out of the woodwork and want to make sure they're first in line for any possessions that you might at some point want to let go of. I'm sure you would just love to haul off and whack them across the head. I know I did with my idiot neighbor who was so intent on letting Len know that he wanted our house and once Len was gone, kept telling me. They are vultures. Even with two years behind me, I am determined that my neighbor never has the opportunity to buy my house. It's hard to imagine how insensitive people can be but they're out there and they prey on the weak and broken.

How has it been with being back at work? Does it help keep your mind occupied during the day? I hope your co- workers are taking good care of you. Did you get your new bike so that you can hop on it and escape the house?

Sending you huge hugs and want you to know that I think of you daily.

Tracie
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Reply by Melinda
03 Aug 2014, 9:46 PM

Hi Tracie...its so amazing to realize someone knows exactly how I feel. I thank my lucky stars for finding you!! And I am so pleased you confirmed my choice of not having my friend stay with me!! You're right..I did not want to pretend to be okay. Each day is "slightly" better than the last and I will be okay. It will take lots of time and patience with myself. Just really hate the depression and anxiety I get sometimes. But I know its normal.
Dusted off the kayak this afternoon and went for a long ride. My little dog stands on the prow and off the two of us go! He loves the kayak. It was wonderful to be out on the water. Must make a point of going everyday while our short summer lasts.
I have only made it out three times on the bike. Stan died and its been a mad house here.
But tomorrow my neighbour and I plan on getting out together...so that will be nice. I quess exercise will help with the depression. And I have lost 10 pounds..so pleased. So much of my weight gain was stress. I find I am not craving carbs or stress eating...so hoping to go back to my normal weight eventually.  Did you ever get the result of your test? I get my scope results in August though they told me they found nothing. And what's going on with your house?? I will be glad when all the paper work is done for Stan so I will see where I stand also with my house. I think it will be all good. But it will be nice to see the final tally.
Hoping to be able to stay here! Great to hear from you my friend. Take care. Melinda X0
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Reply by marstin
04 Aug 2014, 6:53 PM

Hi Melinda,

Pretending to be fine takes so much energy and only makes others around you feel better. There is nothing wrong with feeling broken, weepy, angry, and incredibly down. You are grieving and it will be a long time before you find your new 'normal'. For myself I found it to be such a rollercoaster as I would hit some major highs and the feeling of 'I got this', only to come crashing down moments later. I don't think anyone escapes the process.

I can so clearly picture you and your little dog getting out in your kayak and feeling the wind in your hair as you paddle along and leave everything behind you. It must be quite the sense of freedom.

It sounds like you have a very supportive neighbour. I sure could have used people like that when I started my journey. Recently, I've been taking myself up to my local Tim Horton's and sitting outside with a bunch of the regulars. Most of them are older guys but at least it keeps me from feeling so alone and they are good for a few laughs. My daughters think I'm a little crazy but it sure beats being in this stupid house all day talking to the dog. Besides, it stays around 90 degrees in this place with our heat wave and it's hard to handle. It sure is making it difficult to get anything done around here.

I haven't gone for my ultrasound yet. I believe it's on the 13th. It sure takes a long time to get any tests done here. Hopefully everything will be fine. I don't want to cause my kids any more worries.  That's quite the weight loss for you. Are you eating properly? I know it can be difficult to cook for one.

I'm still finishing off paperwork to do with Len. I hope yours goes more smoothly than ours but I imagine it will since you were much better prepared that way than we were. I still haven't put my house on the market. We had so many glitches with the ensuite that it totally knocked me off course. It really doesn't take much then I fall into a slump and can't seem to get moving again. The realtor kept calling and emailing me and I got a little irritated so I stopped responding to her. My time, my way is my motto. I haven't signed any papers with her so... I keep running into the realtor that sold my Mom's house and she had come across a place that might have been perfect for us but I jammed out on going to look at it. I'm not even sure if I can afford to buy something else. I wonder if it's a sign that I should be using her skills. I try to listen to that inner voice of mine. I may get her to give me an estimate on what she thinks this place is worth because I found that the other realtor's estimate seemed awfully low for this area. I guess I have to put my personal feelings aside and just focus on the financial aspect of things and choose whoever I think can get me the most money and fairly quickly. I wish I had someone to discuss the in's and out's of real estate and money so that I knew what the hell made the most sense, to rent or buy. It's exhausting. Lol!

I hope you and your neighbour are having a nice day and the sun is shining down on you.

Hugs,
Tracie
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