Hi Ladies,
We never know just how grief will affect us I don't think. When it's a long drawn out illness, I think we start the grieving process long before we lose our loved ones. Everyone reacts differently to what's going on and as we are the closest to the person that is changing before our very eyes, the fear and pain are there everyday. Our bodies go into overdrive to do the caregiving and our minds try to not think too much but the sadness lingers daily. Those hot, scalding tears that come out of nowhere I think are sheer exhaustion and sorrow. I believe it's your body just allowing you to find a way to deal with all that is happening in your life. You are trying to stay in charge of things while part of you has broken down and can barely function.
Melinda, no one knows the price you've paid to get to this point except you so if you're not crying endlessly, it's okay. In the two years since Len has been gone I have found myself feeling strong and powerful and ready to face anything then suddenly reduced to not being able to even take one more step. When you've had to be strong for so long, it's hard to let go of that control and that may be part of why you don't cry the way others think you should. I think it took me a good 4 months before the cotton that I had wrapped myself in, unravelled and I could feel anything and then I wanted to go back to my cocoon and not feel much. Each journey is different.
Last night I was sitting at Tim Hortons with my new group of friends and one of the guys that I vaguely knew from many years ago was sitting there talking and I remembered hearing that he had lost his wife about four years ago and that his son had gone through and is still going through a lot from losing his mom. Anyway, everyone else left and I took the opportunity to ask him about his situation. We sat there for probably another good hour as we shared our stories. What an incredible feeling to be able to talk to someone who actually got what I was going through and the toll it takes on the kids. I think we would have talked all night if someone else hadn't shown up and the conversation shifted. It made me think about this site and how quickly we bond on here with others who actually 'get it'. Such a huge relief to be able to share and know that there is no judgement, only understanding. How fortunate we are to have found this safe haven and in the process find friendships that could withstand almost anything.
Hugs,
Tracie