Hi Melinda,
It's so good to hear from you. I've been thinking about you (with a little envy) and wondering how your trip was. I keep remembering our trip to Hawaii in 2010 and just have to close my eyes and remember the sights, sounds and smells. I would love to get away somewhere tropical again but I know it won't feel quite the same.
I so remember the first trip I took away from home after Len passed away and the pain of coming home and having no one to share it with. I felt so lost and empty. Most people who haven't lost the other half of themselves don't really understand how painful that is and how it drives home how alone you really are. Watching other couples interact makes it even worse. That used to be you not so long ago.
It's unfortunate that you feel that you would be judged for joining in on activities in your community. You need to surround yourself with some lightness and laughter. It is healing. I understand you totally when you talk about being shy because I used to be that way too. I think because I've had to claw my way out of this pit on my own , I have found an inner strength and I worry less about what others think of me and am just myself. Take me or leave me, this is who I am now. It took awhile to get here but I have gained that confidence in myself and my ability to conquer whatever is thrown at me. We are survivors so never doubt how incredible a person you are. It all takes a lot of time to get back on your feet. It took me quite awhile to be able to feel comfortable getting to know a bunch of strangers but the good thing is that if they didn't know you before, they don't expect you to be the same person you were and they accept you for who you are now. Is there a coffee shop nearby that you could just go to and take a book with you? If you did that quite often, you would probably soon start to say hello to others who frequent the place and get to know the ones who work there. There's some kind of magic in a coffee shop. I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable because you're lonely. I thought I was attracted last summer to one of the guys who joins us for coffee but in time realized that we were just good friends. Because he had gone through losing his wife a few years before we bonded that way but I think we both suddenly realized that the flame wasn't really there, just that we really liked each other on a different level and both backed up a bit.
Oh my house! No, I haven't sold it yet. The bonus is that house prices keep climbing. I have been looking for a place to rent (Close to my area and near my Timmy's) before I list it. We found a townhouse that was really cute but sooo many stairs and tiny but I thought 'Well, it's only for a year and then we can regroup. I knew I'd have to sell off most of our furniture but ... Went and signed the lease this past Monday, the landlady was a bit of a whacko and I think wanting to rent to asian people, but she finally conceded to renting to us. It was a confusing, hellish ride to get to that point. Anyway, she emailed me on Wednesday to say she couldn't get us a second parking spot and that maybe we should find another place to live. We went back and forth and she came up with all kinds of excuses to not rent to us. I finally got tired of her garbage and went to pick up my check which she had tried to cash even though our move in date was April 1st. I also got the lease that she has now broken for no good reason and will be submitting a complaint against her. My girl's were crushed but really proud of how I handled the situation. That made it all worthwhile. Tonight I found an ad for a duplex for rent just a few doors down from me and when I called on it, the lady and I got on really well and she's quite eager to meet me. We do that tomorrow. I think her husband is a contractor because she started asking about the size of my lot and how much I want for it. I've had other contractors circling around here so I don't think I will have any trouble selling and probably for far more than I would have gotten a year ago. I so look forward to being released from this house and starting my new life. I'm finally ready. It's taken me 2 1/2 years to get to this point though.
Yes, being lonely sucks. Nothing in life prepared you for what you went through with Stan, and all of the emotions that keep slapping you down like crashing waves. You're doing great Melinda and you are moving forward one day at a time. It's all that you can do. You're surviving and that's all that you can ask of yourself. In time, your time, it will start to get a bit easier. I doubt that you ever get over it, you just learn to accept that life moves on and you will begin to heal enough to at least start puttng yourself back together. It's a new you. A warrior at times and a weeping mess at other times. It's all a part of the process. Grieving sucks.
I'm always here for you Melinda!
Hugs,
Tracie