Hi Melinda,
Watching the person you love suffer for such a long time, is a tough thing to do. Although you are there physically, it sounds like you have resigned yourself to what is going to happen. Your grieving has already begun, the numbness has set in. I think our minds tend to find ways to protect us from the full impact of the inevitable. The day that Len passed away was to have been our wedding day. He decided after being together for 23 years, that he wanted to get married. I remember getting things ready, trying to find clothes that would fit him, thinking about how I would manage to get him over to my mom's where the wedding was being held and yet I knew in some way that it would never happen. At 3am that morning he passed away. I remember going through the motions of trying to contact everyone that was supposed to attend the wedding and people marvelled at how I methodically made the calls to say that he had passed away and there would be no wedding. I was almost emotionless. The following day my mom went into the hospital and for 7 1/2 weeks I floated along and knew deep inside that she would never come out of there but I was so calm. All it took was my brother's insensitivity by allowing his wife to clear my mom's bedroom of all of her clothing without discussing it with me about a week after, and I broke into a million little pieces. I have struggled since then to try to pick up the pieces and put myself back together again.
This week I will take a page out of your book and at least go and get my hair done. I owe it to myself to start taking steps to make myself feel alive again.
Hugs,
Tracie