It's sometimes hard to understand why people deliberately make things harder for themselves than they have to be. I think maybe it's a lack of feeling any self worth. I think that is why I continue to smoke. It could be that Stan has just given up and figures that it doesn't matter anymore what he does, the outcome will be the same. It doesn't help that he has an enabler who will help him continue on the road he's on. Len had been sober for 16 years and just before he was diagnosed, he sponsored a young fellow who was trying to get clean. He councelled this young guy up until he became too ill to do so. In return this guy came over every day and did work around here ( not much of a handy man but he tried) and was such a great helper as Len's illness progressed. When Len was in the hospital he would sit up there with him for hours going over the next days work. He was invaluable and would even give me time to run my mom around between medications when Len came home. I guess it was a win win situation. It's unfortunate that you have to deal with someone that is working against you in this battle. It must be so frustrating.
Yes, that doctor was horrible. She would put on this pained expression like we were too dumb to see what was happening with his body. I was well aware of it, how could I not be when I lived it every day. I always say that she killed him and even his regular nurse, who went away for about 10 days, was shocked at how quickly he declined. He asked me what had happened and I told him. He didn't know what to say. I truly believe that she ruined what was to be our wedding day.
Len really wanted to make things right as he got sicker. He wanted to be released from the hospital so that he could come home and put his affairs in order. The biggest problem was that they wouldn't release him and allow him to take the medication he was on in the hospital. It worked really well but I think there was a shortage of it or was too expensive. They wanted to put him on methadone and he fought them so hard about not wanting to take it but they won in the end. It was horrible stuff. He came home and every time he tried to do something he was so stoned that he would fall asleep. They had promised that he would be painfree and alert before they released him but then suddenly just told him he could go home and stay there when he was only supposed to have a day pass to celebrate Father's Day. I was not a happy camper. I guess his decisions about the mortgages wasn't all bad because it has made it so that I was able to stay in the house this long and pay the bills but that time has come to an end.
To add insult to injury, I think I may have told you that my mom passed away just weeks after Len, and my brother has caused me so much pain and stress while we deal with her estate. Although we were both named executors, he has been so secretive and refuses to work with me on anything. He refused to let me near any of the paperwork, even though I was with my mom nearly every day and knew what she had in her accounts etc. plus had been doing most of Len's paperwork myself so I knew how to do much of it. He hired a pricey lawyer for 'us' but it turns out that only he is the client not me since he excluded me from signing. We are just drawing to the end of it all and he has blown a large amount of our money on this lawyer and made things even more difficult for me. He doesn't need the money and has stated it on many occasions, but I certainly did. He has been downright cruel (cold, money hungry wife syndrome) and once this is done I don't think we will possibly ever speak again. It has been really stressful and he has been far from supportive in any way.
I did get a mild anti-depressant from my doctor but have been afraid to take it because I have so many things to deal with and don't want to risk having my judgement clouded. Maybe I should give it a try anyway. It might help me start moving forward again instead of being in such a rut.
I'm glad that Stan made sure that he got things in place so that you don't have that worry. It's enough to go throught the grieving process without having so many other things to have to focus on. I often think if we had gotten it all together, that I would be further along at this point and not so weighed down.
Hugs,
Tracie