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30 Mar 2014, 6:56 PM

What you have done sounds very prudent. Maybe any of Buddy's charge card(s) should be suddenly "lost" too. The Buddy should be returning the card to your husband right after he picks up suppies - no overnights wiht the card.  Hope you have power of attorney for your husband so that towards the end you can shut down his banking and get your husband to let you move whatever he has in his acount into a joint account so that it doesn't fall into the estate and estate taxes.   Good luck. What a trial for you.
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Reply by Melinda
30 Mar 2014, 7:36 PM

Yes, as soon as my husband became ill, we updated our wills. I have power of attorney and medical decision powers also. I tease him and tell him I can pull the plug! I can just imagine you having a panic when you read my words! But its okay....I have all my ducks in a row!!
I am just pissed off that he gave this man his Card and Pin and that Buddy took advantage of it. At one point he gassed up his truck, bought himself two packs of cigarettes, beer and the ten dollar item he was sent to buy.  I printed all this stuff out and showed it to my husband. He at least docked it off Buddys pay!! But apparently if I had not shown this to my husband, Buddy was not going to say anything!! I absolutely hate, hate, hate the way this man tries to take advantage. The worst part is my husband...he thinks this guy is "okay!!
Thanks so much for your concern! At least we all keep tabs on one another...which is what I like about this site.  Melinda
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Reply by marstin
30 Mar 2014, 7:38 PM

Hi Melinda,

You are a wise woman Melinda. Now that Stan's buddy knows that you are on to him, I would guess that he will know better than to mess with you. I sometime's think these curves are thrown at us so that we aren't constantly dwelling on our loved one's illness. I watched closely over decisions that Len made knowing that he was not clear in his mind and needed protection from bad choices.

Wow, only two neighbors! I felt like I was living in a fish bowl after Len passed away and that 'neighbor' of mine ran through the neighborhood telling everyone about it. Even people who didn't know us were told. It made me feel that we were more at risk because of it. I was glad that we had a dog who has a mean bark and was a warning to anyone trying to get near us.

Thank god you have a full life with many outside interests. That should help you to get through the aftermath. Since any friends or family that are close by, decided to walk away from me I found that I had to do a lot of soul searching and figure out how to keep myself going forward. That's when I found this site and am so grateful for it. Between this and focusing on what I want in my new life, and friends at a distance that check up on me regularly I have found an inner peace that will help in the future and I have grown so much. Such a painful journey but an enlightening one.

What we have here is rain. It has been a long winter for many of you with the snow stubbornly not wanting to leave. We are forcasted to have sunshine this next week so I guess I'll be getting outdoors and cleaning up my gardens to prepare for selling this place. Although it's taken me a long time to get to where I am, I can look back at how far I've come and feel a sense of pride that those who stood back watching and judging and waiting for me to fail or crumble were wrong, so wrong. I'm going to make it in spite of them.

I came across an inspiring quote a while back that I shared on this site. It was about picturing yourself driving down the road in the dark and all you can see is what shows up in the headlights. It's about your life right now. Don't try to see what lies in the shadows, it is not for you to see right now. It will reveal itself when you get there.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Melinda
01 Apr 2014, 5:48 PM

Hi Tracie
Stan woke up this morning with blood dripping from his bandage. He went into the bathroom and ripped off the bandage. Then he tried to stop the bleeding with kleenex. He became very frightened and was just about to shout for me when the bleeding stopped. My Doctor told me he would eventually bleed to death...I really hope it happens in his sleep. The public health nurse told him to NOT rip off the bandage next time...and to go to the hospital. I keep telling him to call 911 if I am not home...also he has my cell phone number and will call. The Radiation Doctor (who we see on Thursday) did tell us that they can radiate his neck if bleeding starts...looks like we are nearly there. My stomach felt sick this morning....God, what a horrible disease!!
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Reply by marstin
01 Apr 2014, 6:48 PM

Hi Melinda,

How frightening that must be for both of you. What a horrible thing to go through. I don't think any of us are prepared for how the decline in health will show itself but to bleed to death has got to be incredibly scary. I would guess that Stan knows that they feel that is how he will go. That poor man. For you to have to watch this unfold has got to be horrific. God, how I hate that disease!

I don't think people truly understand until they've had to watch someone they love go through this, just how devastating it is. It takes away our ability to think about anything else and the sights, sounds and smells stay with you for a very long time after.

I went today, finally, to get some blood work done and an ECG and was telling the girl doing the tests why my doctor had ordered so many things done. She was in shock at how things had unfolded. I find that I am like a bystander quite often and rattle off what has happened without showing much emotion. I'm sure it surprises people but it's like a self protection thing and I don't allow myself to feel, just talk like I'm reading a book. It's a strange feeling of detachment. I think you understand what I mean.

I hope that when you get to the radiation doctor that they can do something for Stan. I'm sending you a great big hug and wish that I could be there in person for you as you go through all of this.

Hugs,
Tracie
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01 Apr 2014, 7:15 PM

Dear Melinda
I am shocked  at what you and Stan are going through. Can your doctor make sure you have on hand an appropriate sedative so that if he starts bleeding again, you can help him take it to take the edge off the fear? We administered two to my mom while she was in crisis. We had them in liquid form  and administered with an eyedropper as she couldnt swallow. One was a straight anti anxiety drug...the other was a morphine. Im talking about the anti anxiety drug.
You are right  the sights sounds and smells...and the feel too..are deeply wounding. My heart goes out to you both. I got some new hand lotion with a nice smell and some of my mum's powder form of perfume and put that on her hands..and a little of the piwder on her covers in her last days..It wasnt that smells entirely were remived but we enjoyed rubbing  it into her hands and enjoyed the smell together. A fleeting pleasure and happy memories that the powder brought back. I had to use very little as she was very sensitive then...but she enjoyed  it.
And i was encouraged by her smile and remember the smile and smell. I kept the powdered perfume and put a little on my covers a couple of times when i have been overehelmed with grief. It is comforting. I am a smells person. If had been my dad i eoukd have used his Old Spice or a flower or herb he loves...even a drop or two of beer! ..anything that he would enjoy and would provoke a smile.Hang on. 
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Reply by marstin
03 Apr 2014, 6:34 PM

Hi Melinda,

Just thinking about you and wondering how things went today at Stan's appointment. Hopefully they can come up with something to make this all just a little bit easier.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Melinda
04 Apr 2014, 10:25 AM

Hello
Hard day yesterday...didn't sleep much last night. Just went to check on Stan and he is sleeping but there is blood all over his bandage.
Stan is not being offered him any more chemo. The radiation Doctor can offer to lightly radiate the neck. They will try two to ten shots of radiation which may not work. If it does work it will stop the bleeding for maybe two weeks to two months.  His neck is so compromised right now because he already has had thirty five radiation treatments in that area.
And of course Stan only heard what he wished too..which is perfectly fine!! The rose coloured glasses are firmly on..but I don't know how I am...feeling numb and exhausted this morning. Going to be a long day. Will check in later this week.   Melinda
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Reply by marstin
04 Apr 2014, 2:40 PM

Hi Melinda,

I guess it's a good thing that Stan has his rose colored glasses on as things progress. I can tell that you've had a long hard night. I think the toughest part in all of this is having to watch the progression of the disease without being able to do anything about it. As much as you resign yourself to the inevitable, it's difficult to not feel so raw and scared by all of the changes. It consumes your every waking moment. I can imagine that listening to the doctor talk about what they can try makes you want to cry because you know that it's not going to fix the problem, just prolong the suffering. I am so sorry.

Even though I can't be there for you Melinda, know that I am walking beside you and sending you strength as you move ahead.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Melinda
06 Apr 2014, 2:12 AM

HI Tracie.  Just spent a couple of hours sitting with Stan and quietly watching TV .
He has been cold all day even though he is wrapped up in an electic blanket with a heater on him. Then he became clammy and then he drew up..projectile vomiting. He is ok now..hopefully to fall asleep soon. We got a call from the Hospital and he is booked to start the radiation on April 16th. This means he will stay all week at the Lodge and come home weekends. My daughter did ask if I was going to put a DNR on him...but I do not think that is necessary..once the bleeding starts it will not stop. Poor Stan.
I find I do not want to go to sleep at night..then have to lie down during the day. And the awful panic attacks are back...terrible things! They do not last long and I know why they are back, of course! I dread going down the stairs in the morning and usually wait until I hear coughing...then I know he is okay. He is bleeding everyday now but it usually stops on its own.
He was quite disbelieving when the Doctor said he was getting palliative care! I really hope the radiation does help, even though I know it is prolonging things. The Doctor said if the radiation does work it will only help for two weeks to a couple of months...boy, thats a time line if I ever heard one!! That went over Stans head..which is fine...I heard it. I really wonder why Stan is going through with it...will all that radiation be worth it...he seems to think so. Well quess I should try and sleep...I do have a mild sleep aid, but right now I am very afraid to take it incase I am needed...Thanks again Tracie..will keep in touch..and its comforting to know you are walking beside me and feeling my pain...Melinda

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