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Reply by Melinda
06 Apr 2014, 2:13 AM

Opps..not feeling my pain, but understanding it....
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Reply by marstin
06 Apr 2014, 3:56 AM

Hi Melinda,

This is more than any two human beings should have to endure. Has Stan had an issue with throwing up before? I know that you don't think a DNR is necessary but if you have to call paramedics I think they are obligated to try to bring him back to life. A DNR will protect you from possibly having to deal with that. Just a thought.

I can imagine how hard it is to sleep at night. Near the end with Len I was awake quite often and always feared going downstairs to check on him in the mornings. I was glad that we had gotten a hospital bed for him so that we could adjust it to keep him comfortable and it was soil proof. It made caring for him so much easier once he was unable to get up anymore. Have they offered you the use of a bed for your home? It makes it easier at the end so that it can be taken away after everything is over.

I guess whatever makes Stan believe that radiation will help him is what brings him peace of mind. I'm sure it brings him comfort to know that you are there for him as things progress. If he makes it until the time he is scheduled to go into hospital, what are your plans then? Will you stay there with him or go back home? I know that when Len was in palliative care in the hospital they gave us the option of spending the nights there with him but I thought it better for my daughters to not have to be in that environment for days on end plus he was being so well cared for. We were happy for him in a sense  when they allowed him to come home for his final days.Even at that it was a huge undertaking to suddenly have to become almost nurses and administer his medicine and swab him mouth plus many other things. This is such a difficult journey.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and can push the anxiety away for just a little while. You need your rest to get through this.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Melinda
06 Apr 2014, 11:29 AM

Thanks Tracie...I actually had a wonderful sleep last night. I think it was because I expressed my feeling to someone who knows. Feel clear headed and ready to take on the world today!!
First of all Thank yOu for the advice on the DNR...I am going to call our family Doctor and discuss it with him. It would be a horror for the paramedics to....well you know.
I'm not sure about a hospital bed but I will certainly ask. I know I do have extended health
care at work so that would probably help with the cost. It would not hurt to be informed.
But with Stan I have a feeling it will be quick...according to my family Doctor...and the cancer is wrapped around that vein in his neck. We were told it would compromise that vein eventually and there would be blood. God, I do hope it is quick Tracie! I cannot imagine what you went through with Len and your Mom! It must have been a continuous fear. Awful.
Stan has been offered a private room at the Lodge where he will be staying. The Lodge is a two hour drive from our place and he will be having his treatments at the Hospital next door. I will not be staying with him..because I am kind of looking forward to the relief of the worry of finding him dead and getting away from the smoke. I need the mini vacation.
His beer is going to be a problem. Before, when he stayed at the Lodge for the whole summer, he used to walk to a local pub and drink and then walk back. He does not have the strength for that anymore.
He has always denied he is an alcoholic and poohooed  when I pointed out that he cannot drink at the Lodge. It will be interesting to see what he does with this!!
And the vomiting is another issue...yes, it is new. Is this what it is like...just when you think things cannot get any worse....They Do!!
Buddy was told to wrap things up...mind you it has not increased his "snail pace" but he will come to an end eventually. He is certainly not welcome when Stan is not here.
I have bought extra lock bars for the patio doors and they are going on today....I know we don't lock our doors here but I certainly don't trust Buddy. I know he has come here before when we are away and helped himself to beer.  Imagin him doing that!!! So from now on every thing will be locked solid while I am away.
Well the sun is shining...maybe get rid of some of this "snow"!! We still have two feet in our yard and the river in front of our house is still frozen solid. Enjoy your day Tracie! I know I am going to try and have a good one!  Melinda X0
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Reply by marstin
06 Apr 2014, 3:01 PM

Hi Melinda,

I'm so glad that you had a good sleep. Sharing the load certainly does make a difference. My daughter told me last night that a friend of hers that she had worked with, just lost her dad. She reached out to her and let her know that she could call anytime she needed to talk. The girl remembered that my daughter has gone down this road and that she knows just how hard it is so I'm sure that they will keep in touch.

I'm not sure how things work where you are but here, once you're under the umbrella of palliative care, you are able to get beds, walkers, wheelchairs, shower seats etc. at no cost to you. We just had basic medical and everything was supplied to us. It made things so much easier. If you can't get in touch with the doctor you might want to ask the nurses that come in. They're quite knowledgeable about these things or can get the answers.

For your sake I hope that when Stan does go, that it's under the watchful eyes of a medical team. I think we all would like to go at home but it is one of the toughest things for the survivors. I don't know how many times I went back in while I waited for the undertaker to show up, to check and make sure that Len was really gone. We also had to wait until the office opened so it was about 6 hours before they showed up here and even then I had to ask if they could make sure that he really was gone. They looked a little surprised but since I had no medical training I didn't want to be mistaken. I guess more than anything else, I was in major shock.

I imagine that once Stan is in the care of the hospital that they will keep him somewhat sedated so the smoking and drinking will probably not be a huge issue. In his weakened state they will just keep him calm. When you said that he was freezing and vomiting, it made me wonder if he's bleeding internally. I know my dad had an issue with internal bleeding and it took until a week before he passed away, for them to discover he had a tumor wrapped around his heart which was causing all kinds of issues including feeling very cold.

I'm glad you are being proactive when it comes to that buddy of his. It's those type of people that know no boundaries and he probably would come back looking for at the least, a beer, when he knows that no one is home. It's horrible to have to worry about things like that at a time like this but there are always those low life types just waiting. I know it so well. I still have a neighbor (different guy) who always talks about what a great guy Len was and yet wants to buy things from me at an extremely discounted price. It used to make me so angry but now I just laugh at him and say 'Take it'. Less for me to have to get rid of. Some people have no morals.

Wow! You have a river in front of your house? That must be incredible in the summer months. We have a share in Len's family cabin on Vancouver Island and it is so tranquil to sit back and stare out at the lake. Last year we spent the one year anniversary date of his passing out there and I think it was one of the best things we could have done although his memory was there at every turn. My one brother in law wants me to sell out our share of the cabin but I don't want to take that away from my daughters. It's part of their dad and he wanted them to have it. Always someone wanting to take advantage of a bad situation.

I hope today is a calm one for you.

Hugs,
Tracie



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07 Apr 2014, 1:05 PM

Why can Stan not have beer at the Lodge? If he is palliative and has his own room then there is no benefit what so ever to making him feel withdrawal.  My uncle an alcoholic smoker was allowed to drink and to smoke while in his palliative centre.
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07 Apr 2014, 1:10 PM

I would strongly advise also that you get a DNR in place. If the Lodge is 2 hours away, you don't want the Lodge to make a decision to prolong his life unduly or to let the hospital operate or take other extraordinary steps that will make Stan's last hours a nightmare. If your daughter agrees, then really it is important to act where and when there is a consensus. Spare yourselves having to make last minute decisions on which you might not agree. Because after Stan is gone you  and your daughterdon't need hard feelings about a bad decision made under extreme stress.
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Reply by Melinda
07 Apr 2014, 8:12 PM

Hello...funny you should mention the DNR. I just came from our family Doctor and Stan now has a DNR on him. The Doctor and I had an honest discussion and I agree its the best for this situation. I also know what will happen when he does pass and how everything will work...who to call, etc....  its a comfort.  Stan will start to bleed and it will not stop..this is how he is going to die. The paramedics will probably not be called and there will be no heroic efforts to revive him. Everyone will be on board with this. My biggest dread, as you know, is finding him dead in the morning when I get up. I always listen for sound first thing.
As far as the Lodge is concerned, it has a strict "no Booze" policy. Stan can hire a taxi to take him to the bar and thats how he is going to cope. Stan is not going to a pallitive care Lodge...its a place out of towners can stay at if they have to get treatment every day. Its free...otherwise we would have to rent a motel room. The Cancer Society funds the Lodge and it has been a blessing!!
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Reply by marstin
07 Apr 2014, 9:09 PM

Hi Melinda,

It's great that you have a doctor who will explain in detail how this will play out. As tough as it is, I would guess that it's better to be prepared. Was Stan there when it was being explained? We had such a horrid doctor that was making house calls to Len. She pressured so much about the DNR that I almost didn't sign it. I often think that doctors that work with people who have terminal illnesses, need to take a sensitivity course before they are allowed to practice in that area and be tested on a yearly basis.

How is Stan feeling today? Did you sleep last night? Maybe this will all happen when he is at the Lodge and you won't have to suffer through it. That's wonderful that the Cancer Society takes care of the cost of the lodgings so that you don't have to.  It's good to know that Stan is still able to get around since you mentioned him taking a taxi to the bar. I guess that if it makes him happy to be able to do this then why not. Hopefully his buddy won't be around when he's not home. That should bring a bit of relief for you and you might be able to relax a bit.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by Melinda
07 Apr 2014, 10:29 PM

HI Tracie! No Stan was not there...he knows nothing about the DNR yet..the health care nurses will urge him to get that in place...my name will not be mentioned. I feel quilty about doing it but maybe grateful in the long run. You have mentioned that nasty Doctor you had before..poor you! I am very fortunately to have such a great Doctor. He bends over backward to help us...and he is very honest when I ask questions. He does not think a DNR will be necessary..but it means he will come to our house and pronounce Stan and then he will call the undertaker...so no screaming ambulances and heroic measures...just peace and quiet. Funny I also mentioned that I have no medical training as you did!
Stan had a big bleed in the middle of the night over the weekend. Woke up covered in dried blood. The Doctor said this may be the way he goes...big bleeds that stop and start again.
He said if I am home to just stay calm and tell Stan I am applying pressure to stop the bleeding and Stan will drift away and it will be quick. Yeah right..stay calm!! We will see!!!
My daughter is hoping it happens at the Lodge and it is possible. Crap! Can't believe how numb I am! Oh I did mention the vomiting but the Doctor just shrugged..it is to be expected and to let him know if it gets worse. Stan is fine today and had a juice this morning and a boost later on.
I had an Aunt who lived on Vancouver Island years ago. I have made it as far as Calgary but have never seen the Rockies up close. Next year my sister and I are hoping to fly out and do the tourist thing....Yes, I live on the Ottawa River and it is beautiful. Always see wolves on the ice ..and deer...and moose. I have a kayak and it has provided me with many an afternoon of peace...though stress has made me gain so much weight I probably won't fit into it! lol! Okay, take care. Melinda
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Reply by marstin
07 Apr 2014, 11:04 PM

Hi Melinda,

Thanks for the update. I know with Len that I only asked the questions about DNR and whether he wanted to be cremated and when he said yes, I went ahead with the paperwork without telling him I'd put it in place. I knew the timing was right and I think it was 3 days later that he passed away. Your doctor sounds like a caring man who will take the reins when the time comes. You are very fortunate.

That numbness that you are feeling is an okay thing. I think it may just be your mind preparing for the outcome. I know that I was in an extremely calm zone in the last few weeks and welcomed it. I just went about the daily routine like I had been doing it for years. Hopefully you won't have to deal with the end but if you do, you may find that you just do what the doctor has explained you should do and find yourself on autopilot. Once it's over you'll probably be in a state of shock for a few days after. Our minds have a wonderful way of protecting us.

I can almost picture you floating down the river feeling calm and in touch with nature. I so enjoy being by the water and when we're at the cabin we sit out on the dock and watch the world go by. It's so peaceful. Maybe you could send a few of your pounds to me so that I can fatten up a bit and get my kids off of my back. Lol! I guess really, that it's time to start taking care of myself and do what is necessary to work on getting healthy.

Hope you have an uneventful evening and can just lay back in the tub for awhile or read a book to relax.

Hugs,
Tracie
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